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Slapping, Floggers, and Pancakes, Oh My!

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90% of Fifty Shades of Grey is made up of sex scenes, and that’s no joke. I finally finished this thing and I’m convinced that anyone who says this is like “the best book ever,” or “this is so well-written with such a complex story!” clearly has never actually read a book before. It’s so cute, really. I’ve read numerous reviews on this book and it’s always 50/50. You have the women who are gushing about it, loving every minute of this Godly wonder they call Christian Grey, and then you have readers who trash the novel in it’s awfulness with hilarious, I-can’t-control-myself (no pun intended) laughter. Now I won’t go into full detail of everything that already shows up in many reviews which is the fact that Christian Grey is a total “douchenozzle” who has no respect for women and gets off on having total control over another human being in the bedroom and out of it. And then Anastasia Steele, a 21-year-old who is more naive than your average sixth grader to the point that it’s unbelievable this specimen could even exist.

Instead, I want to go over some key things that stuck out to me that none of the reviews mentioned.

First off, Ana majored in British Literature, and often says how much she looks for the British heroins in all those classic novels she reads. They come swooping in at the right time, bedazzle the ladies, and it truly melts Ana’s insides just thinking about it. We don’t actually get a good sense of these characters until about halfway through, when she references Jane Eyre, Lizzie Bennet, and Tess Durbeyfield.
It’s all starting to make sense now…
Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester was a brooding bastard who was short, snappy, and cold towards Jane, but it was only because he was masking his true feelings for her.
Same goes with Mr. Darcy, only Lizzie is adamant on how much she hates the rich “douchenozzle” making her slightly more powerful.
And I haven’t read Tess of the d’Urbervilles, but from what I googled, Alec d’Urberville rapes Tess, crap happens, and then she kills him in the end. The most disturbing of all of this is that Ana specifically tells Christian that she wants an “Alec.” Really reaching for the stars there, Ana!

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Also, I don’t blame Christian for his weird pet peeve about food. He’s constantly force feeding her because frankly, she doesn’t eat anything! There’s maybe two times where she actually cooks food, and eats it. Though she is quickly losing her appetite all of the time…that’s weird, I didn’t realize you had one. 
She goes an ENTIRE day on several occasions not having eaten a thing.
Go ahead Christian, keeping shoving those pancakes down her throat. By all means.

I also need to get into the whole biting her lip thing. Any time she does this in front of him, he instantly becomes cold and snappy, but he wants to do very naughty things to her when she does this. It surprises her, as it naturally should the first time, but you would think ever since that VERY FIRST TIME he says a vile comment to her after the act, she would know.
But of course Ana is constantly biting her lip, but claims she doesn’t notice herself doing it. However, it happens on every other page and he reacts the same way every single time. So if I have to read about Ana biting down on her lip one more time, I’d be happy to rip the plump skin from her face and feed it to the dogs from Hostile in order to solve the problem. We all know what you’re doing you idiot. 

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Ana will cling onto anything remotely significant in order to make herself feel better about her situation. Since most of this book is made up of sex, there is a minuscule amount of dialogue that doesn’t include some dirty, pornographic comment about chains or floggers. So, when Grey remembers what kind of tea she likes, or that she would prefer to see London over Paris, she “flushes” with giddy excitement that he remembered something about her other than how her body reacts to an orgasm.
Well, considering he’s remembering one out of three conversations that actually pertain to interests, it shouldn’t be too hard to remember….
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The biggest, yet smallest mystery in this whole ridiculous book is trying to figure out why Christian Grey is royally screwed up. Here’s the kicker guys!
He admits his biological mother was a crackwhore! Those are the exact words…crackwhore. And the best part is that he barely remembers this crackwhore mother and eventually was adopted into this wealthy family who seem to genuinely love him and nearly melt as much as Ana does at the very sight of him. So, I’m sorry….what’s the problem here? You can’t just add that crap into the mix and not back anything up with it. I find that to be completely irresponsible of the author to just  throw that in there and expect us to be all like, Oh okay, that explains it. 
Also….
Christian tells Ana that she has “bewitched” him. Way to steal that one right out of Jane Austen’s mouth….what a disgrace.

Also part two….
THE CONTRACT. THE CONTRACT OF CONSENT.
We all know he’s asking Ana to sign this god forsaken contract so that he doesn’t end up arrested for beating the bloody pulp of out of her.

And this…

“So am I number seventeen?”
He frowns at me not comprehending.
“Seventeen?”
“Number of women you’ve, um…had sex with.”
His lips quirk up, his eyes shining with incredulity.
“Not exactly.”
“You said fifteen.” My confusion is obvious. 

Confusion that the chick can’t do math…..

Unless someone can clarify that for me, I’m just going to sit back and continue my fit of giggles.

And most importantly, the author can’t seem to get her story straight.

Her best friend, “Tenacious Kate Kavanaugh” is all for Hunky Mr. Grey to make the moves on Ana. She’s constantly reminding Ana how hot she is and of course this successful, gorgeous, and mysterious man would be “smitten” with her (I know they like British Lit, but come on, at least have them speak like regular American college girls). After they have his photo shoot done for their school newspaper, Mr. Grey asks Ana out for coffee immediately afterward. Suddenly, Kate says she shouldn’t go because he might be dangerous. What?

Back up here….when the hell did that happen and why? Nothing significant happened during the photo shoot except for maybe a few glares at their friend Jose, and some interlocking of the eyes with Ana, but other than that, nothing. So why on Earth would Kate be all like, “NO! HE’S DANGEROUS! DON’T GO!”

The sex scenes were rough to get through, and half of the time, I didn’t even know who and where anybody was. I wouldn’t have been shocked if the clown from IT showed up because I wouldn’t have figured it out til the end.

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And to add onto that…Christian gets heated when Ana mentions the thought of going to Georgia to visit her mother whom she hasn’t seen in six months. She quickly states that it was just a thought and she wasn’t sure if she was going. They get back to his apartment, have sex 700 billion  times or so it felt, and then the next morning, he was asking when she’s returning from her trip.
“Friday,” she says. Friday. When did that happen in all that time she was being slapped, with animate and inanimate objects shoved in her down there, and orgasming 10 times in a row? Please, fellow readers, when?

And let me point out the random religious references that don’t make any sense.
“Breakfast,” he whispers, making it sound deliciously erotic. 
How can he make bacon and eggs sound like forbidden fruit? 

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To sum it up, actually wait….you can’t sum up this book, because nothing happened. That’s right everyone! Absolutely nothing. He hands her the contract at the beginning of this “novel”, and she ponders the thought of it during the remaining 400 pages…and she never ended up signing the stupid thing, after all of that.

Even in the beginning of the story, she is seething with hatred after she leaves her interview with Mr. Grey, who practically handed her a job. I finished the chapter wondering why Ana hated him so much, because honestly, he didn’t seem like that much of a prick at first. Let’s be realistic here. She asked the guy if he was gay in an interview for the school paper. Rude much? She met the guy five minutes before and is asking him something completely personal and down right stupid considering being gay has nothing to do with his success. And to top it off, she throws Kate under the bus because it was her question, not Ana’s. Just goes to show this girl has no common sense whatsoever and she could have easily judged whether that was a good question or not. Ana, you’re killing me. 

This is your typical, he loves me he loves me not story.
One that makes you wonder what has happened to humanity.

I like to dream of men who whip me with their belts because I rolled my eyes at them, or bit my lip, or hesitated when speaking. Sounds like a blast.
Now I will bring all of those in the “BDSM Community” to a halt because I am not bashing nor hating on your sexual preferences. Do what you will. But the thought of having a man stalk me by tracking my cellular device, knowing where I live without having to tell him, and where I am at all times of the day doesn’t necessarily scream BDSM to me. That screams psychopath.

There are times when I was like, okay, I can see the appeal for Christian Grey, he’s a little sexy. Until this happens…..
“I wondered if we should continue your basic training.” It’s like sex boot camp.

Overall, Ana is an insecure girl who finally stands up to Christian Grey at the end after he whips her with his belt and she realized, like OMG this actually hurts me. She pretty much changes her mind, packs her bags, and leaves Christian who is  stunned by the turn of events. However, it ends just like it did in Gone With The Wind, with Ana folding over in her bed realizing she made a horrible mistake and the belt whipping feels much better than her grief. Are you actually kidding me right now? 

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In the wise words of Scarlet O’Hara, “Tomorrow is another day.”

All of these gifs are from giphy.com

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One thought on “Slapping, Floggers, and Pancakes, Oh My!

  1. Pingback: Trying To Fathom Alec D’Urberville’s Appeal Through Ana Steele | You're Fine

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