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#FunnyBlogFriday – Vanessa Hudgens Nails

Another #FunnyBlogFriday event today! I’ve decided to write my true feelings in regards to Vanessa Hudgen’s nails. This has been bothering ever since I started following her on Instagram. It seems like a silly topic, I know…but you haven’t seen these bad boys. I typically stop, stare, drop my phone, and scream in horror.

I’m really trying to understand this:

These look like they belong to him:

Can someone explain this fashion sense to me? All of her nails are like this. She should be arrested for carrying a deadly weapon.

I guess it works for her if she were to be attacked by a mugger or sexual predator on the streets. It would be pretty easy to slice the guy in the throat with those knives. But I’m going to take a wild guess and say she’s not taking her safety into consideration when she gets her nails done.

How does she get anything done? How does she get shit out of her wallet? Or put her hair up? Or even pop a zit for crying out loud? I would be so paranoid that I’d chip something, or injure a child just by squishing their cheeks together. Don’t get me wrong, they’re pretty cool…but not for an everyday fashion choice. I’d feel like a 24/7 threat to society. Please, do us all a favor and lock me up if I ever get my nails done like this.

Have any of you guys put Bugles on your fingers?

I try to think about Vanessa Hudgens with normal looking nails, but I don’t think she’d survive.

I’ve tweeted about her nails on several occasions because each time it has me like:

I’m always taken by surprise with those needles like I’m in some kind of nightmare. A creepy, shriveled up hand with those long talons could scare the underpants off anybody.

I don’t go to the nail salon often because I get too overwhelmed and it’s expensive! I go to the cheap places that do a half-ass job because that’s all I can afford and I walk away decently happy.

If you’re a man reading this, first of all, god love you for reading this, and secondly, I’m going to describe the process to the best of my ability.

You walk in, only to typically have a hostile Asian woman direct you to where to pick the nail polish and sit the eff down and wait for someone to come by. You stand by the colors to pick one out, and it’s an obscene amount of colors, you couldn’t possibly choose. But you have that crazy Asian lady tell you to hurry up and pick and then you sit down and wait.

The woman comes over, asks what you want, you tell them, and they ask you questions you don’t understand not because of their accents, but because they are wearing a mask over their mouths and its muffled. So whatever they ask, you just say “yes” as confidently as you can. They begin pinching, scrubbing, ripping, and then lovingly massaging your hands and fingers. They make small talk with you but it rarely lasts.

The fun part is that you can never leave a tip on a card…it’s cash only. But you always hope that they’ve reached this decade and allow you to leave a tip on the card but that’s never the case. So instead, you find an ATM to pull money out so you don’t walk away being an asshole and not tip them.

They start to pull out all of these chemicals and contraptions, and you begin asking yourself, “Did I ask for the right thing? I don’t remember them using that last time…” You start to slowly panic on the inside, while keeping your cool and keeping an eye on this contraption from Transformers until you realize it is the right thing you asked for. They finish up with your nails, you hand them a few dollars for their time, and they quickly move onto the next client without even saying goodbye or “hope you like them!”

It’s an extremely awkward situation, hence why I go about three times a year. But the women that go weekly go in packs, spend the afternoons ordering the nail technicians around, making sure that’s the right color they picked out while they smack on their gum and flip through the latest People magazine.

I have yet to see a nail salon such as this:

I get overwhelmed by this basic experience that I couldn’t imagine asking my nail technician for anything more than the pink polish I chose. But Vanessa has diamonds and inanimate objects dangling off those babies. It truly baffles me.

So, Vanessa Hudgens (aka Edward Scissorhands), please, go get a normal mani.

Find more Funny Blog Friday friends below!

Art from Pouring My Art Out

Victoria from Angst Anarchy

Alanna from White Girls Be Like…

Jamie from Fits of Wit

Ben from Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn from Properly Ridiculous

Alice from Alice at Wonderland

Lisa from Buddhaful Brit

JC from JCS Bloggery

Sarah from No Cry Babies

Elke from The Pretty Platform

Jack from The Things I See Up There

Chicks A & E from Too Funny Chicks

Charly from Crazy Life

Kevin from Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin from That Nameless Color

H.E. Ellis from H.E. Ellis

Gina from Endearingly Wacko

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