Belmont Shore Has Been Invaded – Some Unhelpful Tactics To Ward Away The Bad Guys

Sam and I live in a cute little neighborhood called Belmont Shore. We moved here because it’s tucked away from the madness and ghettoness of Long Beach. The city has been up and coming the last few years, and it’s not as superficial as LA can be, or as crazy with traffic and people. But our cute little neighborhood is being invaded with bad guys. Lemme explain.

Typically, when I get home from work around 5:30pm, I go for a jog along the beach. I stay on the busy sidewalks where the street lights are so that, for one, I can actually see where I’m going, and two, if I’m stolen in the darkness of the night, there’s a better chance somebody will see me, and I will be featured on Unsolved Mysteries, and a caller will buzz in and be like, “Yo, I know where she’s at.” And then I’m found alive and well, and even more badass than before.

But the other evening, on Monday to be exact, I did my usual run around 6pm. A few hours later, I see on Facebook that a jogger on a street adjacent to mine was robbed. Three masked men approached her, threatened her, and stole her wallet and headphones. Why they didn’t take her cellphone/iPod considering she was wearing headphones for a reason is beyond me. Sound like amateurs? I think yes. Anyways, within five minutes of the woman reporting it, the men approached another woman getting out of her car to her apartment and stole her purse. I could be getting this information wrong, but regardless, they robbed two girls in a matter of five minutes, all within a short walking distance from my apartment.

To Sam and I, this seems completely random and out of the ordinary. Especially since we are aware that more burglaries and car break-ins have been happening lately too, all in the surrounding streets. As we chatted with our neighbors last night, this is apparently normal for this time of year.

Sam and I think alike and said, “That’s very ballsy of them to rob someone at 6pm considering how close we are to downtown.” Back in New England, you don’t often hear of people being attacked in the middle of rush hour.

“It’s because of the holidays,” our neighbor explained…………

I guess the holidays bring out the worst in people in SoCal. They break into your cars to steal your Christmas presents that you don’t have room for in your apartment. And they rob you as you are getting out of your car because you probably have Christmas presents. And they rob your house like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas because you have presents and they don’t. It’s completely bizarre.

Sam just assumes that I’d be taken into the night, and my little fists and build would just weaken at the presence of a strong, threatening man. This may be slightly true, but I’m actually kinda-sorta a nutjob.

Here are my tips on how to scare away a bad guy that tries to steal your shit, or steal you:

1. Start acting like a maniac – nobody wants to kidnap a crazy person…especially in the middle of the day. I’m really good at this tactic.

2. Hold your keys with the sharp ending sticking out between your fingers – does this make sense? To the attacker, you’re just holding your keys. But as soon as he attacks, you jam the key in his eye.

I mentioned this approach and my neighbor said, “You’re thinking like a Mexican!” Yes. Yes I am.

3. Just scream “I HAVE MY PERIOD!” – men get so grossed out with even a mention of a tampon. This should work like a charm. Unless your attacker is a woman…that means none of this crap will work.

That’s all I got folks. Please share some clever tips on how to scare away the bad guys.


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