I recently read a post by Damsel In A Dress, “10 Things That Make Me Uncomfortable”, and I loved her post so much, that I wanted to share 12 things that make me cringe. I realize that I’m a pretty awkward person, and some of these things others may not think twice about, but I just need to throw it out there. We all have our ticks that make us want to bash our head into a pillow and scream. These are mine:
1. The vacuum suction thingy at the dentist.
I really don’t mind going to the dentist. I’m prone to cavities. They tell me to stop eating chocolate and potato chips, but I’m like, “What’s the point of them existing then?” I love when they clean my teeth because they reach the places I can’t. But that suction tube that they use to clear away the toothpaste and water, I hate it. For me, it’s like nails on a chalkboard.
All that water rushing into my mouth tastes and feels good on my imperfectly pristine teeth. Until he whips out the suction vacuum and removes all that heavenly water. Why can’t I just spit it out? I feel like I can’t mention this to my next dentist because it would be a weird conversation to have.
“Before we start, can you make sure to not use that vacuum thingy to clear away the water in my mouth?”
‘The vacuum thingy?”
“Yes, the vacuum thingy. It feels weird and it makes me want to rip my jaw out and throw it in a wood chipper.”
2. Girls decked out in all designer.
The women who are wearing Armani jeans, a Gucci blouse, Dooney & Bourke sunglasses, and a Louis Vuitton purse…oh, and Prada heels. We get it, you have money, and you’re flaunting it for the whole world to see. You need to take it down a notch. It’s too much for us poor people to handle. If you are wearing normal, everyday clothes, and you have a Louis Vuitton purse, I’ll be like “OMG I love your purse!”. If I see you how I’ve mentioned above, I won’t give you the light of day because you look like a circus animal.
And I’ve noticed women who dress like this have that nasal voice you hear on reality shows, which makes it even funnier.
“Do you have any water that has no carbs or sugar in it?”
“Mmmm yes, I know what you speak of,” I’d say.
Oddly enough, I feel like guys can pull this look off without looking like a total douchebag. You’ll still kind of look like a European hipster, but the women just look like crabby princesses who haven’t eaten a cheeseburger in their life.
3. Zits that clearly need to be popped.
If you’re talking to me, and you have a honking zit that is just pulsating with the beat of your own heart, I’m not listening to you, I’m listening to the zit. PLEASE GET RID OF IT. I know you’re not supposed to pop zits and what not, but come on, it’s better than just leaving it out in the open to join the party. Trust me, I’ve been there, and I know having a third eye is embarrassing, but I’m getting that crap if it’s ready.
4. Wet Jeans
No, I don’t mean pee. I remember in college one time, a drunk girl went to give me a high five and missed and slapped my beer right out of my hands onto my lap. My jeans were covered in Bud Light. I started crying. Spring Break 2013, a drunk guy stumbled and dropped his entire rum bucket all over me. I was pissed. Apparently I’m always in the wrong place at the wrong time when it comes to beverage mishaps. I don’t think there is anything more uncomfortable than wet jet jeans. I see those commercials and movies where the characters playfully run out into the water and soak their jeans with salty ocean water, and they are loving life.
Just picture me running out playfully into the ocean, and the second my jeans get wet, I stop in place and burst into tears like a little kid who just dropped their ice cream cone. I’d shake my hands around motioning how icky I feel and the day would be ruined.
5. Facebook posts that ask what time Walgreens closes on Main Street.
You know that really expensive smartphone you just bought a few months ago? UTILIZE IT. It’s called Google. I feel like it takes much more effort and patience to sit around and wait for a response on Facebook as to what time Domino’s closes because you have the late night munchies. It takes no effort at all to look it up on your stupid iPhone. That’s what it’s for – that’s why it was made – to be smarter than you – and to do all the work you don’t want to do. So please, stop asking the general public what time the convenience store closes because you ran out of tampons.
6. Facebook posts that continuously bask in the greatness of one’s significant other.
If you have a picture of your boyfriend with cursive letters that say ‘Always and Forever, 01/01/2015’ as your cover photo, I will puke all over my laptop. Please stop. Please stop posting photos of him for every #ManCrushMonday on Instagram. Or posting photos of his magnificent abs, because guess what? We don’t find him attractive, and we don’t care! It’s the same thing with kids. You sound like a mom bragging about how wonderful their kid is all over the internet when nobody actually gives a shit. Yes, we know, your boyfriend got you flowers today, and took you out on a fancy date like he does every week. How nice for you. Some of us have our own significant others to think about it. I don’t think about yours.
7. The obsession with the iPhone.
I don’t get it. They are pretty cool, but you know what’s not cool? Spending a couple of months saving up to buy the latest iPhone, only to find out as soon as you’re purchasing it that the newest iPhone will be coming out next month! And now it’s outdated and worth nothing if you break it, and you’ll probably have storage issues and will have to update the software every couple of months because it’s so behind, and you can’t figure out how to transfer the music over, and blah blah blah. I’ve been there, and honestly, I don’t understand the hype of the iPhone. Have I mentioned that you are pretty much carrying around glass? Similar to a diamond? You break that shit, it’s over. It won’t ever be the same and you will spend a butt load of money to have Apple fix it. I don’t get why the lines form like, three days in advance every time a new iPhone comes out just have the next one come out in six months.
There are some folks out there who take a selfie four times a day. FOUR. I don’t mind the occasional selfie if you are feeling confident and beautiful, but if you are laying in bed thinking about whether or not you want to get up on a Saturday morning, don’t snap a picture of yourself and caption it, “Don’t want to get up, so much to do today!” During that time that you spent taking I don’t know how many of those selfies just to get the right angle, then picking out a filter, and then thinking up the caption, you could have gotten out of bed, brushed your teeth, and poured yourself a coffee. Your day could have started already.
These are the captions for selfies, and what goes through my mind as I see them.
“Finally hitting the gym today!” Are you actually working out, or just taking a picture and pretending that you are?
“Sitting in traffic, blah.” So is the rest of America on this rush hour Monday morning.
“Had so much fun at the beach today!” Are you there by yourself? Where is this ocean that you speak of? All I see is your smiling face next to a pile of sand.
“I’m such a coffee addict.” I don’t see the coffee you are drinking. I don’t believe you. Real coffee addicts like myself, don’t feel the need to remind everyone on Instagram that we are coffee addicts.
“It’s raining out (cue sad face).” We have a window.
9. When people walk around a public place blasting music from their phone rather than using headphones.
I’m talking about the people who go to the park, and all you can hear is Kanye West playing from their phone that is located in their hand. I can never understand this. Why are you not using headphones? I’m not a Kanye West fan, so I really would like to stop listening to him from afar while I’m trying to read on a park bench. It’s bizarre and obnoxious. Or those people that enter the subway and all you can hear for five minutes until your next stop is heavy metal crap ringing in your ears and you can’t even hear yourself think.
10. When you see a girl wearing a pretty dress, but she hasn’t bothered to put on heels or even her makeup.
I understand some girls do not like to get all dressed up, but it really weirds me out when I see a girl wearing a pretty cocktail dress, but there is nothing happening in the hair or face. It looked like they rolled out of bed, threw on the dress, and walked out into the world. You don’t have to go all crazy and get your hair and makeup done and where stilettos, but at least brush your hair. A little foundation doesn’t hurt, and you can find really cute flats to go with the dress. Just put in a little bit of effort other than a nice dress. It doesn’t even out without it.
11. Pink jerseys.
This grinds my gears. It is incredibly difficult to find any sporting shirt/hat/jersey in the women’s section with out it being baby pink, jeweled up with rhinestones, or “faded” in a stylish way. Can’t I just have a plain Red Sox shirt in their colors like you would find in the men’s section? Why is this so hard to find? Not only do us girls get questioned every time we are like “Yeah, I love baseball!” and then quizzed on who’s the pitcher for your home team, but we have to deal with all this pink frilly shit too. We already know we are not taken seriously when it comes to sports every game, but don’t make it worse with all the pink! I want a regular navy blue Red Sox hat. And a regular green Celtics jersey. And I want to stop buying my sports crap in the little boys section because I look like a creep browsing through the racks because I’m buying for myself and not my nephew. The only upside to buying in the little boys section is that it’s about 30 dollars cheaper. At least we have that.
12. Political conversations.
During any election, I can’t be near Facebook or Twitter. I try my best not to say a word because then arguments from all sides of the spectrum flow in like a swarm of bees and then you are stung multiple times and then you die. Your self-esteem has been smothered, and you think, “Maybe I should read up more on my own political party,” but it doesn’t interest you after the first sentence. Sometimes, you are dragged into the conversation when you didn’t ask to be.
For example, a complete stranger walks up to you and says,
“Man, did you watch so-and-so’s speech last night?’
“Well it was spectacular. He truly is amazing.”
“You don’t think so? Oh those hoodlums on that whatcha-ma-call-it news station are a bunch of idiots I tell ya.”
At this point, I cut them off and run for the hills. Why do people do this? Are they looking to start a fight with a complete stranger? I hate when people start talking to me about politics and just assume that I’m on the same page as them, and will agree with absolutely everything they say. Enough is enough man.