Humor, Internet Things, News, Sarcasm

Lolo Jones Ruined My Valentine’s Day

SINGLE SINGLE, READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Lolo Jones snapchatted Sam last night, therefore I have been dumped. I don’t have snapchat, so these amazing things never happen to me. The biggest thing to ever happen to me on social media was when Cheryl Strayed retweeted me, and I nearly had a heart attack. I personally don’t understand the purpose of snapchat. If you wanted to send me a funny pic, you could just text it to me. What’s with this 5 second bullshit? I don’t get it….

Anyways, the first thing Sam does is come into the bedroom where I’m doing anything but homework, and with a huge grin he yells, “I’m leaving you!” What I find laughable about this whole thing is that, if I understand how snapchat works, that shit is gone forever, and nobody would ever know that Lolo Jones sent him something. Poor guy.

As of now, I’m taking applications for the next man. But I’m sure you want to know who I am and if I’m even worth the long application process right?

1. I like to cook.

f

Cheesy Garlic Bread.

2. I have a wide variety of music.

I still jam out to this.

I still jam out to this.

3. I’m laid back.

s

Me everyday.

4. I live in Southern California.

And who doesn't want to visit this place?

And who doesn’t want to visit this place?

5. I am a lover of all creatures.

Except bugs...those can take a major hike and die in a wildfire.

Except bugs…those can take a major hike and die in a wildfire.

Now the standards I have when flipping through the applications is not very high. First, you need to be able to clean because if you are dirty, then we will be in the next episode of Hoarders because I sure as hell am not clean. Second, you have to listen to my rants when I’m upset. I go on rants quite a bit, so you need to be patient. Third, I like back scratches. Fourth, if you look anything like this:

a

.

.

You will not have to fill out an application, just to save us both some time.

The deadline is Friday. I will take you to Catalina because that was where I was supposed to spend Valentine’s Day, but Sam has gone off to elope with Lolo.

Good luck.

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3 thoughts on “Lolo Jones Ruined My Valentine’s Day

  1. Sam’s missing out. I mean you can blog like a madwoman, you make garlic bread, and you are almost on hoarders. Okay maybe not, but if you’re on hoarders, at least you don’t have to watch it right?

    Like

  2. Pingback: We Didn’t Run into Dragon and Nighthawk | Jessie Janelle Reyna

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