Humor

The Laws of Food

Starting a new health kick is hard. I get in the zone and I do really well for like, three whole days until I’m like, “I NEED A CUPCAKE! JUST ONE! THAT’S OKAY, RIGHT?!” I remember I did a detox cleanse for a whole week, and I barely lasted two days. I totally cheated my way through it. The first day you could only eat fruit, and I was like, “Okay, I love all kinds of fruit. This should be easy.” The second day, all veggies, nothing else. I’m like, “Oh shit, I like a total of three veggies, and I use the term ‘like’ loosely. More like tolerate.” The third day got weird. Only hamburger meat and tomato slices. I’m still scratching my head as to why this combination, but on the bright side, I ate the hamburger meat and picked at the tomatoes. The fourth day, only milk and bananas. I don’t remember the rest because I probably quit after that. But I snuck in small bites of cookie dough ice cream to survive and I still lost five pounds.

ddd

They don’t make health kicks easy. For instance, I’ve started to eat good old fashioned oatmeal in the morning. I used to skip breakfast because I’m not the hungriest so early in the morning, but they say it pretty much sums up how your day is going to go. But how can I enjoy my day with this crap?

Serving size: a pinch.

Serving size: a pinch.

If you look closely, you could probably estimate two whole bites out of this oatmeal. And this is one package. You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow. No wonder why I’m starving by 11am. My breakfast is the equivalent to eating a granola bar, and probably more expensive. Granted, I’m not THAT hungry in the morning so this should be fine for me. But what about the people who are the most hungry in the morning and they are trying to be healthy like me by eating oatmeal? Do they shake up three packets instead of one? I’m not just picking a bone with the Quaker company for their stupid serving sizes. Serving sizes in general are dumb, I don’t care how realistic and honest they are. Don’t tell me that a cookie’s serving size is one cookie. Or that a serving size of potato chips is 5 chips. Other things about serving sizes that piss me off is that they mess with your brain.

For example, I bought a lemonade yesterday with my lunch. It’s a light beverage so I wasn’t really paying attention to how much I was consuming, BUT, it said the serving size was 8 ounces, yet the bottle was 16 ounces. WHY? Why can’t you just sell me the serving size rather than remind me that I’m consuming over the serving size amount? It’s a mockery I tell you. My lemonade mocked me.

He gets me.

He gets me.

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13 thoughts on “The Laws of Food

  1. I’m the same way with breakfast. I think my bad habit of not having it was from college, where the first year I had a cafeteria plan, and I would skip breakfast to sleep in. Ever since, I could go until 11 or so before I started getting hungry, but then gorged the rest of the day. Whatever, food…

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  2. this is really funny hahaha, but true in some cases. I can’t eat oatmeal because my body just doesn’t like it i’ve tried so many times i lost count, but a breakfast that is balanced with real whole foods tends to do the trick for me (eggs, vegertables (or furit if you dont’ like veggies) and cheese or a piece of light bread) it usually keeps me full until lunch or sometimes i’ll have a snack of nuts (cashews are the best)!
    http://www.batelmiller.wordpress.com

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    • I had never really given oatmeal a chance until now. I’m actually a huge fan of breakfast on the weekends after I’ve slept in, but so early in the morning my stomach gets all weird. And I wish I liked nuts (the food)! I’m told over and over again how good they are for your body but I just can’t do it. I’m such a picky eater haha

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