#FunnyBlogFriday, Humor, Internet Things, You're Fine

#FunnyBlogFriday – That Time I Quit Coffee Cold Turkey

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Coffee is my crack. Coffee is my life. It’s what I breathe.

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I decided to write about coffee today because I’m writing a piece as part of my memoir that has a bit to do with my love for coffee. It sounds a little silly saying that, but there you go. I started to drink coffee when I was little, and only by stealing the last cold gulps from my mother’s morning cup of glory. It wasn’t until later into college that I began to actually, you know, NEED it. Once I moved into my first apartment, I bought my first Keurig, and then the addiction began.

At my first office job, I found myself drinking approximately three cups a day. Sometimes more if it was a really rough day.

“That is so bad for you,” Sam complained. He doesn’t drink coffee, at least not much. Maybe only a couple of times a week does he drink it, but he certainly doesn’t need it like I do. I never cared that it was “so bad” for me. In fact, coffee isn’t all that awful as long as you drink it moderately and you don’t drown it in cream and sugar — which are all the things I don’t do.

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I was never really into drinking tea. I never liked the taste – I even preferred lemonade over iced tea in the summer time. One day, I decided I needed to be healthier and slow down with the coffee and switch to tea.

I’m all like, “I don’t NEED coffee. I can quit with the snap of my fingers.” So what did I do? I went out and bought two boxes of tea. I wasn’t even sure what kind to buy – there’s chamomile, green, earl grey, and the list continues. Coffee, you have a choice between light, medium, and dark roast, and whether you want breakfast blend or French Vanilla. Not so complicated. I bought a blueberry green tea, and a Sleepy Time vanilla tea.

The first thing I did that morning was make my cup of green tea in my travel mug to take to work with me. I actually had to Google whether or not to put cream/milk in it. I’m new to this, so shut your pie hole and don’t make fun! I decided to just leave it the way it is. It’s blueberry – how bad could it taste?

I sit my bum at my work desk and start punching in the meaningless numbers – meaningless to me since I went to school for the arts, not business. I start sipping at my tea and I’m like, “Okay, this isn’t the greatest, but it will do.”

An hour passes, and I’m still not quite awake like I normally would be. It was as if I were completely drugged up, barely responding to my accountant buddy and slow as molasses. I’m thinking I need another cup of tea, and I search the conference room for a k-cup until I see an English Breakfast Tea. I have no idea what that means, but I make it and stomach it to the best of my ability.

By the time 11 am rushed in, I looked like this:

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The inside of my head looked like this:

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I could barely look at my screen because my head hurt so bad. I thought I might puke from the pain. It hurt so bad, I couldn’t even focus on the reason behind my pain.

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Was I being possessed by the devil? Is there someone out there performing voodoo magic  to make me feel this way? Is this what death feels like?

No, this is what happens when you give up coffee like cold turkey. You can’t. As I quivered at my desk unable to speak or lift a finger, my accountant buddy shook her head and said, “Go make yourself a damn coffee.” She’s not the best role model as she’s worse than I am – she drinks two cups of coffee, and two red bulls in the afternoon. She’s like an energizer bunny. Like a trained dog, I did as she told. I stumbled back into the conference room, rummaging through the K-cups like I was preparing for battle and made myself a fresh cup of Breakfast Blend.

I barely made it six hours without coffee. I’ve accepted this. At least I tried, right?

Check out some more funny bloggers who may or may not be participating in today’s Funny Friday!

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Jamie of Fits of Wit

H.E. Ellis of H.E. Ellis

Alice of Alice at Wonderland

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Chicks A&E of Too Funny Chicks

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Gina of Endearingly Wacko

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21 thoughts on “#FunnyBlogFriday – That Time I Quit Coffee Cold Turkey

  1. I, like the character of Lorelai Gilmore, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. And as any good New Englander will tell you, we drink coffee like fish drink water because we are G-damn Patriots. No silly British taxed tea for us! So as a fellow coffee drinker I salute your allegiance to your country. Drink up!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Since it’s really the caffeine that you’re addicted to, you can always buy yourself some No-Doz or Jet Alert (caffeine pills) and take one of those when you’re dragging but still drink your tea but be all superior like, “I can quit coffee whenever I want”. I actually keep some Jet Alert in my desk at work at all times in case I need a quick burst of energy. Be warned that one pill is like two cups of coffee, so I always just break off pieces of the tablet. So there’s your helpful advice for the day. 🙂

    P.S.– a lot of those herbal teas are an acquired taste. It’s pretty hard to go wrong with a plain English breakfast tea.

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    • Thanks Gina! I’ll have to look into those. To be honest, I think I would just miss my coffee because I love the taste. Even coffee ice cream is still one of my favorites. There’s also a Nekter Juice Bar right next to where I work and I buy the ginger shots if I really need a boost – and it’s healthy! Go me!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I drink a cup each morning and a cup when I get home around 5:30.
    And yes, it’s a necessity. I, like you, have tried to quit and experienced the withdrawal headaches. Not worth it. Why try to ruin a good thing?
    Coffee lover for life.
    PS you’re showing up in my reader now!

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    • The night time is when I resort to tea instead. I’ve had an occasional cup at night and then I’m not tired to go to bed and Sam’s all like, “See, maybe you should lay off the coffee.” I then get mad and say it has nothing to do with coffee when deep down I know it really is. It’s a real struggle, but a struggle I’m willing to have.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m like your boyfriend except I don’t drink it all. I know many people who do though (by many I mean everyone I know. Seattle practically invented Starbucks) and it’s amazing how hard it is for people to quit. I am one of the lucky ones that doesn’t need it in the morning, because I’m bitter with or without it. BTW, I totally forgot it was FBF, though I do one every Friday anyways…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My boyfriend doesn’t drink coffee either so he doesn’t understand why I come at him like Cujo when he tries to speak to me before I’ve had my coffee in the morning. I personally don’t know what goes on inside the mind of a non-coffee-addict, but I also blame my parents for letting me drink coffee since I was a very small child. And my mom for drinking multiple cups a day while she was pregnant with me lol

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