Coffee is my crack. Coffee is my life. It’s what I breathe.
I decided to write about coffee today because I’m writing a piece as part of my memoir that has a bit to do with my love for coffee. It sounds a little silly saying that, but there you go. I started to drink coffee when I was little, and only by stealing the last cold gulps from my mother’s morning cup of glory. It wasn’t until later into college that I began to actually, you know, NEED it. Once I moved into my first apartment, I bought my first Keurig, and then the addiction began.
At my first office job, I found myself drinking approximately three cups a day. Sometimes more if it was a really rough day.
“That is so bad for you,” Sam complained. He doesn’t drink coffee, at least not much. Maybe only a couple of times a week does he drink it, but he certainly doesn’t need it like I do. I never cared that it was “so bad” for me. In fact, coffee isn’t all that awful as long as you drink it moderately and you don’t drown it in cream and sugar — which are all the things I don’t do.
I was never really into drinking tea. I never liked the taste – I even preferred lemonade over iced tea in the summer time. One day, I decided I needed to be healthier and slow down with the coffee and switch to tea.
I’m all like, “I don’t NEED coffee. I can quit with the snap of my fingers.” So what did I do? I went out and bought two boxes of tea. I wasn’t even sure what kind to buy – there’s chamomile, green, earl grey, and the list continues. Coffee, you have a choice between light, medium, and dark roast, and whether you want breakfast blend or French Vanilla. Not so complicated. I bought a blueberry green tea, and a Sleepy Time vanilla tea.
The first thing I did that morning was make my cup of green tea in my travel mug to take to work with me. I actually had to Google whether or not to put cream/milk in it. I’m new to this, so shut your pie hole and don’t make fun! I decided to just leave it the way it is. It’s blueberry – how bad could it taste?
I sit my bum at my work desk and start punching in the meaningless numbers – meaningless to me since I went to school for the arts, not business. I start sipping at my tea and I’m like, “Okay, this isn’t the greatest, but it will do.”
An hour passes, and I’m still not quite awake like I normally would be. It was as if I were completely drugged up, barely responding to my accountant buddy and slow as molasses. I’m thinking I need another cup of tea, and I search the conference room for a k-cup until I see an English Breakfast Tea. I have no idea what that means, but I make it and stomach it to the best of my ability.
By the time 11 am rushed in, I looked like this:
The inside of my head looked like this:
I could barely look at my screen because my head hurt so bad. I thought I might puke from the pain. It hurt so bad, I couldn’t even focus on the reason behind my pain.
Was I being possessed by the devil? Is there someone out there performing voodoo magic to make me feel this way? Is this what death feels like?
No, this is what happens when you give up coffee like cold turkey. You can’t. As I quivered at my desk unable to speak or lift a finger, my accountant buddy shook her head and said, “Go make yourself a damn coffee.” She’s not the best role model as she’s worse than I am – she drinks two cups of coffee, and two red bulls in the afternoon. She’s like an energizer bunny. Like a trained dog, I did as she told. I stumbled back into the conference room, rummaging through the K-cups like I was preparing for battle and made myself a fresh cup of Breakfast Blend.
I barely made it six hours without coffee. I’ve accepted this. At least I tried, right?
Check out some more funny bloggers who may or may not be participating in today’s Funny Friday!
Alanna of White Girls Be Like…
Victoria of Angst Anarchy
Jamie of Fits of Wit
H.E. Ellis of H.E. Ellis
Alice of Alice at Wonderland
Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog
Jenn of Properly Ridiculous
Chicks A&E of Too Funny Chicks
Sarah of No Cry Babies
Gina of Endearingly Wacko