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What I Would Say To My 14-year-old Self

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Today is my 24th birthday. Before you yell and scream, “Happy Birthday!!” I must point out that I’m like a turtle on my birthday and like to hide in my shell. Don’t get me wrong, I love birthdays, but I’ve reached an age now where I don’t really receive presents anymore. I now think of things I need rather than want. This year is a little bit different as I can now think of things I would love. For instance, Amy Schumer is coming to LA this weekend. But the thought of driving all the way up to LA exhausts me. I really would love a new pair of running sneakers, or this running shirt:

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A professional massage would be amazing as well. Even though I won’t be getting any of these things, Sam has a wonderful weekend planned ahead, and I’m grateful for it. It is also our five year anniversary tomorrow. I don’t even think of him as a boyfriend anymore. Just my significant other. “Boyfriend” just sounds juvenile at this point. I know his sleeping pattern, his mannerisms, any and all weird noises that erupt from him.

I’ve never been one to go all nutty on my birthday. “It’s My Party” is not my theme song every year. In fact, those who are all like, “It’s my birthday month” need to take a serious hike. It is NOT your birthday month. You are not the center of the universe just because it is now March and you just happened to have been born in this month. That’s not how birthDAYs work, hence the word “day”. I’m all for the birthday week, making sure you have fun filled activities to keep you entertained as you age, but if your birthday lands on the beginning of the month, don’t expect me to care three weeks later when the month hasn’t ended yet. And since today is my birthday, I don’t even care that I made you feel bad. Success.

My point in this post is to think back to my 14-year-old self back in circa 2005. Ancient times, I know. Back when J.Lo was Jenny From The Block, and everybody in the club was getting tipsy.

Here is what I would tell my 14-year-old whiney, puberty driven self.

1. That acne isn’t going anywhere. Learn to live with it.

2. Stop crying over that mushroom haired boy from math class. The future is much brighter.

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3. You’re going to be wrong about absolutely everything.

You think you know everything. You think you have it all figured out. You will go to college, get straight A’s, major in Art and find a kick ass job. Things will happen much differently, but it will all be for the best.

4. Those highlights don’t look good on you.

5. You should read more.

6. You don’t need a cellphone. That time will come.

7. Pagers are no longer in. I don’t care if your sisters have one. They won’t last.

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“It might be important!”

8. Stairway to Heaven will be playing at every single dance as the finale slow song for the rest of your dance days. That’s never going to change. And no, your crush will not ask you to dance for those long ass 20 minutes.

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9. Axe Body Spray will forever be stained within your senses.

10. Being weird is considered cool now. So go ahead and be your weird self.

11. The Harry Potter characters get cuter. I promise.

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12. Stop attempting the hoop earrings. That will never be your “scene”.

13. I bet you’re totally rethinking that period thing now aren’t you?

14. You’re going to hear a lot of “I don’t want to die alone” from fellow whiney, puberty driven friends. Keep sticking to your major eye roll.

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I hope your Thursday is merry and bright.

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10 thoughts on “What I Would Say To My 14-year-old Self

  1. Great advice and Happy Birthday, fellow aries!
    I still do things for my birthday. Not obnoxious club trips where I post 120 birthday month memes leading up to the douchey night. I just like to get all my friends together and hang wherever. A pub, my house… I use my birthday as an excuse to see all the people I love. It works.
    Oh, I can’t make hoop earrings happen either.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally forgot to tell you Happy Birthday earlier. Enjoy the rest of your birthday month! I really enjoyed some of those things you told 14 y/o Jessie. I’d tell 14 year old Bitter Ben to start writing down all those bitter things you experience at this age cause they will give old Bitter Ben a lot of material.

    Liked by 1 person

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