On Monday last week, my co-worker came up and asked me to head over to the Santa Ana Recording-Thinga-Ma-Jigg’s office to hand them some paperwork. Hesitantly, I said okay, but that I’m still not too familiar with my way around these parts. There are too many cities, streets, and towns that it doesn’t matter how quaint the town is, there is a huge chance you may get lost. Or at least I will.
She handed me the address along with the address to park, and I headed out. The Santa Ana office closed at 4:30pm, so I had approximately 45 minutes to get over there, do what I need to do, and come back. Plenty of time.
The last time I used my GPS on my phone, it spazzed out. It took me around in circles for twenty minutes when all I had to do was go straight. I got so frustrated, I chucked my phone across the seat and let my spirit animal guide me.
I’ve never had much luck with GPS devices. This is how I imagine our conversation:
Me – Take me to Westminster Mall.
GPS – Mmm are you sure about that?
Me – Yes. I want to go to the Westminster Mall.
GPS – Alright, alright. Hold up. Let me find where you’re at.
Twenty Minutes Later….
GPS – Okay. Looks like you’re in Long Beach.
Me – No. I’m in Huntington Beach.
GPS – Actually, you’re wrong. Just trust me for once.
Me – Fine.
GPS – Get in the middle lane.
Me – I’m in the middle lane. Now what?
GPS – Are you serious? You need to take a right turn. And you just missed it you idiot.
Me – But you told me to go in the middle lane.
GPS – No, I didn’t. You’re just a dumbass. Redirecting now….. (Ten Seconds Later) YOU’RE MISSING THE LEFT TURN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me – You can’t redirect me and then have me swerve into oncoming traffic just to make that left turn that appeared out of nowhere!
GPS – Redirecting now because you’re the stupidest human alive. (Ten Seconds Later) Keep going straight for 3 miles.
30 Seconds Later
GPS -LEFT! LEFT! TAKING THE FUCKING LEFT!
Me – You said 3 miles!
GPS – Well there’s traffic so I was TRYING to help you and you fucked it up again.
Me – You can’t just do that!
And this is why I hate GPS devices. And this is precisely what happened on this gloomy Monday, only lucky me, it was on the 405. During rush hour. The highways make absolutely no sense. In the north east, we go by exit numbers. In California, you go by exit name. So it really screws me when it says to take exit “22 Long Beach” because it actually means Highway 22, not Exit 22. Hence why I screw it up every time.
Anyways, as I’m sure you are figuring out by this post, I got lost on my way to Santa Ana.
I finally found where I’m supposed to park, the time being 4:25 pm. I frantically called my office to have my co-worker direct me as to where I’m supposed to walk. Naturally I have to walk down a cat walk of homeless people. Now, normally this wouldn’t bother me. The homeless are everywhere in California, but in this particular moment, there were about a hundred. This is no exaggeration. A HUNDRED HOMELESS PEOPLE. So I sprinted down the cat walk holding onto my obnoxiously bright Dooney purse, feeling bad on the inside, praying internally, until I finally reach the office that I need to be at.
4:32 pm….the office doors are locked. It’s at this moment that I start tearing up. I cried. I blubbered like a little baby all the way back to my car, ignoring the hand gestures of the thousands of homeless people surrounding me until I get in my car and loose it.
Since it was so late in the day, my co-workers told me to just head home. My drive home consisted of snots drooling out of my nose, my throat closing up out of pure frustration and sadness, and listening to Super Smash Brothers mixing it up with some Missy Elliot and Taylor Swift. While I jammed out, and still blubbering, by the time I got home I felt like this kid:
But on the inside, I felt like this:
It’s funny how two different emotions can be happening all at once. We are not one dimensional people. I may look sweet, innocent, and small to you, but you get me on the wrong side, and I’m like Reptar ripping through your Reptar cereal. It was this day that I realized how much I miss dancing. I danced for several years and I will never forget what my dance teacher taught me. I was trying to master the art of sprinting, and then forming a C in the air like I’m an acrobat.
“Picture someone you really, really hate standing in the middle of the room. Now go, and kick them in the face!”
This is how we should approach life. If it’s kicking you in the ass, just sprint after that sleaze-ball and pound a nice karate kick to the face. That should do the job.
Check out some other funny bloggers, whether they are participating in today’s Funny Blog Friday or not! Because they’re awesome. And I said so.
Alanna of White Girls Be Like…
Victoria of Angst Anarchy
Jamie of Fits of Wit
H.E. Ellis of H.E. Ellis
Alice of Alice at Wonderland
Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog
Jenn of Properly Ridiculous
Chicks A&E of Too Funny Chicks
Gina of Endearingly Wacko