So I recently watched Troy for the first time. I don’t know how this was my first time as I’m always down for a good Greek Gladiator Goddess type movie. Anybody seen 300? So much testosterone. But for some reason, I couldn’t take this movie seriously. I found myself voicing my commentary throughout the whole movie and Sam was ready to punch me in the face. I felt like too much of the movie was on the ridiculous side. I had to take into consideration that this movie was made in what, 2004? I hadn’t realized how much the camera angles have changed since then, along with the acting, or lack thereof. Anyways, if you haven’t seen Troy, and you’ve been dying to for the past 11 years, don’t keep reading. Spoilers will be taking place big time. I’m going to try and think back to my commentary and what on earth went through my mind as I watched this movie.
First off, this:
I understand that it’s plausible for Greeks to have naturally blonde hair, but as a good old-fashioned judging American, I’m all like, “That chick aint from Greece.” When I think about how women look in Greece, I think of dark brown/black hair, dark eyes, and tan complexion.
This is just like when I watched Pompeii last summer, and Kiefer Sutherland played the bad guy and it really grossed me out.
Stick to the basics please. (***Also, nearly every painting of Helen depicts her with blonde hair, so I have to just let this issue go.)
Helen is all like, “I’m Helen of Troy now. Thanks for letting me move my shit in.” And the father is like, “Hey, so I know my son stole you from your last husband. Any property of my son’s a property of mine.” That’s a bit much, I know, but they were so nonchalant about it. I guess stealing each others wives was as normal back then as it is today?
Can we talk about the weird ass togas? Who was the costume designer? That looks like a maxi dress I found in Walmart last week. Did they have a tie-dye party and not invite me?
Let’s skip a few scenes and move straight to the phrase, “The face that launched a thousand ships” business. Apparently Sparta wanted to take over Troy to begin with, and Helen just added fuel to the fire by leaving her husband in Sparta to be with Paris, the Prince of Troy. Sparta wasn’t too happy about this, and decided to take off for Troy to “retrieve” Helen, aka, steal the city.
These types of movies bother me because they’re just a bunch of greedy bastards stealing what isn’t theirs. I’m American, remember? We know….we know….we decided to cover up the fact that we killed a shit ton of Native Americans by cooking up a turkey and inviting them to dinner. The Greeks play harder than we do.
This is Achilles.
He is your typical warrior soldier who knows nothing else about life other than fighting and killing enemies. He has some deep moments about the Gods, so I guess you can consider him ancient times Atheist? He is the war leader for Sparta, so he goes head strong towards the Trojan walls to attack.
The Trojan King (gross), says his walls are just too damn good to break through. It still sounds terribly wrong doesn’t it? Since they know the Sparta soldiers won’t go away, like those pesty little fruit flies, they decide to confront them by attacking back. So a whole war breaks out between the two parties while the rest of the royalty watches like it’s a Shakespearian play.
Helen’s estranged husband waits outside for Orlando Bloom, Helen’s new sugar daddy. He obviously wants to rip him to pieces.
Orlando Bloom (Paris) suggests they fight to the death. If Orlando Bloom wins, the Sparta soldiers head back to their hood. If Sparta wins, they can take over Troy. Of course, Eric Bana (Hector) is like, “Dude, what the fuck? We didn’t want Helen to begin with and now you’re dragging the rest of us into this shit?” Orlando Bloom is dead set on this, knowing for sure he will win against this troll of a man.
Helen’s estranged husband Menelaus is like, “I’ll eat that kid for breakfast,” while the King Agamemnon is like, “Bro, we didn’t necessarily come here for Helen, you do remember that right?” Menelaus says, “But dude, you told me we would come here for my smokeshow of a wife.” Agamemnon says, “Ugh. Fine, go for it. I don’t give a shit. We will attack anyway.”
Orlando Bloom didn’t do so hot in this scene. By the end of it all, Menelaus had the sword to Orlando’s neck ready to chop it off until Orlando shimmies away, crawling like a punished puppy over to his brother Hector. He looked like such a little bitch. That’s unfortunate considering Orlando Bloom is up there with the hunky men in this movie, but his character totally sucks.
Hector helps him up and then kills Menelaus. Since Orlando Bloom screwed up big time, a war is breaking out anyway and everyone starts fighting each other again.
Meet Briseis, the cousin of Hector and Paris.
By far my favorite character in the whole movie. For someone with a vagina living in ancient times, she was quite the badass. She like, hit men when they touched her, or spit in their faces. It was awesome. So, Briseis gets stolen in the night. The weird part is that nobody seems to notice. Literally, not one person in the royal family is like, “Where the hell is Briseis? She’s missing all the action!” She ends up in the care of Brad Pitt (aka Achilles) as his new pet.
Meanwhile, this is what’s happening to Paris right about now….
Helen tries to calm him down by saying, “It’s okay you bitched out. I’m not looking for a fighter, I’m looking for a lover. Peace mahn.” She then slips into a Pugs Not Drugs t-shirt.
Back to Achilles. He’s like a good bad guy, or a bad good guy, however you want to see it. You want to hate him because he’s trying to take over a city that is not his, but then again, he’s just a soldier doing what he’s told by the King. We start to learn that Achilles actually doesn’t care about Troy, so in a way, you have to like him because of it. He saves Briseis a number of times. When a group of horny men toss her around the campfire like a beach ball, Achilles jumps in and threatens to chop their balls off with his sword. He carries her into his tent and tries to wash her up with a dirty cloth, but being the badass chick that she is, she slaps the cloth away wanting nothing to do with the hunkmeister.
We all know what happens right? They of course fall in love. He expresses the fact that the Gods admire them because they are mortal, and Briseis is like, “Dude did you to go college or some shit?” And Achilles is like, “Nah…I’m just shmart.” So one evening, Briseis takes a knife to Achilles’ throat while he’s sleeping but he knows her plans, and he convinces her not to kill him because frankly, being dead would be better than living on this shit of an earth. She’s like, “That’s kind of hot…what you just said. I’m going to act helpless now so that you get turned on….” And it’s a no brainer what comes after that.
Achilles wants to pack up the boats and leave, but the King doesn’t like that idea at all. In fact, none of the other soldiers do, but Achilles calls the shots and says they should leave. The next morning, the Spartans head for battle towards Troy. As they all run towards each other like ants, a masked Achilles makes an appearance acting all heroic and ready to take down some Trojans. Hector sees Achilles and wants in on that action. They go head-to-head, and the rest of the soldiers stop fighting and circle around the two to watch it all unfold like they are at recess. Hector slits Achilles throat and he tumbles to the ground. Everyone stands back appalled until they take off Achille’s helmet and realize, ehhh gads! It’s not Achilles, but his crazy-identical-annoying-kid of a cousin! You can tell immediately that Hector is regretting this situation, and he feels horrible that he just slaughtered a teenage boy.
Achilles doesn’t care how bad Hector feels…he needs Hector dead. Briseis tries to talk him out of it because Hector is her beloved cousin, and she’s completely oblivious to the fact that him and the rest of the family have no clue that she’s even missing. Achilles practically chokes her to death and makes her shut up, which is weird considering Briseis takes no shit from no man, unless of course she’s in love, in which case, this is typical behavior. Achilles takes off for Troy to meet Hector face to face to finish what was “started”.
“Maybe he will go away,” says Hector.
While Achilles is obnoxiously shouting “Hector” for twenty minutes straight, and impressively not losing his voice, Hector is making the rounds to all of his loved ones. He stops to Paris and is like, “You’re in charge now brother. You are the one and only Prince of Troy.” You can see the disappointment across everyone’s faces in this moment. He says goodbye to his father, his wife and baby, before approaching Achilles. I think if Hector didn’t just ASSUME he was going to die, he might not have died. He literally set himself up for failure. At this point, I’m losing faith in the Trojans as their confidence levels are just oh-so-terribly low. Not surprisingly, Hector dies. And Achilles ties him up by the ankles and drags him across the sand on his carriage like a rag doll. That was the most disturbing part of the whole movie.
Achilles brings the body back to the campsite and Briseis yelps in sadness over her dead cousin. Then in the middle of the night, the Trojan King shows up to speak with Achilles about getting the body back. It was a very heart wrenching moment for the two of them, and Achilles learns, “Well kids, that’s what you get when you let anger take over your soul. Stay in school.” Achilles agrees to give the body back and on the way out, the Trojan King sees Briseis.
“Like, OMG Briseis. What are you doing here? I thought you’ve been hiding in your bed chamber for the past two weeks!”
Briseis replies with, “Gee thanks Uncle. Actually, I’ve been held captive here, and now I’m in love with the man that murdered your son. Can he come by for dinner later?” Achilles is like, “Awww shit Shorty, you don’t have to do that. By the way, you’re free. You shouldn’t be with a guy like me anyway….” (*Cue Christian Grey smolder)
And there goes Briseis, back to her palace and tie-dye togas.
The Spartans hatch a plan to build a giant ass Trojan horse for the Trojans to find, tricking them into believing the Gods built it for them as their new spiritual statue of some kind. I don’t even know….
But of course the plan worked! Except Paris is like, “Mmm that seems kind of fucked up. You really believe that the Gods, like Zeus and Athena, those folks, built us THAT?!” Everyone is like, “Ummm, yeah…where else would it come from? Other than the fact that we found it in the abandoned campsite that the Spartans were staying at. But it couldn’t have been them.” What-ever….
So the Trojans pull the giant horse into the city, through those major Titanic unbreakable walls so that people can prance around it with flowers.
Then in the evening, the Spartans bust through and start attacking everybody and burning everything to the ground. What I don’t get is why are they burning everything when they want to steal this city for themselves? That makes total sense. “We want your city but we will destroy it first until there’s nothing left….”
Achilles tries searching for Briseis until he finds her in the hands of King Agamemnon, who blames her for the downfall of Achilles and his masculinity. “He lost a pair because of you!” he screams as he tries choking her to death. Achilles steps in, saves her per usual, until Paris sees them from afar and starts shooting arrows until he kills Achilles. Briseis is like, “Are you actually kidding me right now!?” Briseis screams and screams for Paris to stop shooting the god damn arrows, but for some reason, he can’t hear her and keeps shooting? Once again, dumb….And he doesn’t even feel bad that he killed his cousin’s boyfriend. What a douchenozzle.
It ends with the royalty scurrying away through a tunnel to escape the city, including Paris because he’s a little bitch of a douchenozzle.
So there you have it. A completely ridiculous and sarcastic post. If you have read the whole thing, I’m impressed. You deserve a reward of some kind. Perhaps Brad Pitt’s chiseled abs? Or that super looking crown Helen was wearing? Paris’ balls as I’m sure he won’t be missing them? Anything your Greek heart desires.
Please note: This movie was A-okay. I think I was just in a mood on the night that I watched it. Forgive me if this is like, your all time favorite flick. My bad….