Humor, Internet Things, Rant, Social Media, You're Fine

Why Technology Needs To Find a New Planet

I feel like I keep beating this topic to death. Sometimes I bitch about it in my own head, on Twitter, Facebook, or just all around out-cry in my apartment. I use technology throughout most of my day. At work, on my cellphone, fax (YES, FAX. PEOPLE STILL USE FAX AS A FORM OF COMMUNICATION), driving, the grocery store, everywhere I go, there is some form of technology. You would think that technology would make us smarter…but I beg to differ with that. I cannot stand technology for a million ridiculous reasons.

1. The Selfie

I am actually friends with individuals who post 15 photos in one week, and every single one of them is a selfie. They are sitting in traffic, waiting for their coffee in Starbucks, reading by the fireplace, cooking dinner, picking out a wedding dress, or just simply bored at work. How do I put this nicely?

I can’t.

Nobody gives a shit. I don’t care if that hurts your feelings. Ohhhhh, you’re sitting in traffic? So is the rest of America who work a 9-5 job. You’re waiting for a coffee at Starbucks? Better snap that selfie before your hands are full from all that coffee holding. You’re reading by the fireplace? I highly doubt it because you should be so engrossed in that sophisticated Charles Dickens novel you’ve been bragging about instead of taking damn pictures of yourself. You’re cooking dinner? You must be so talented at making spaghetti. You’re picking out a wedding dress? Maybe you should focus on that considering that is pretty vital to having a wedding. Bored at work? #FIRSTWORLDPROBS.


This seriously kills me. I’ve taken one selfie during my time of owning Instagram. One. And I felt like a moron doing it. How do you accomplish such a task as to posting multiple selfies in one week? The idea of doing that stresses me out more than my graduate thesis.

2. Internet Trolls

They have a name. They are the ones who ruin your cute animal video watching by screaming, “SEXIST. RACIST. BODY SHAMING.” It could be a video of a boy dog fetching a ball and someone will just say, “Um, excuse me? What’s wrong with female dogs?” Please stop the nonsense. I recently read a hilarious post by Buzzfeed. Two plus size women were testing out and modeling plus size clothing in comparison to what America considers to be “Plus Size Models”. The article was butt-clenching funny. One woman commented on it by stating, “These women have similar body types where they have more weight in their stomachs. It’s funny, but it would be nice to see this by someone who is pear shaped.”

I’m going to take a wild guess and say that woman is pear shaped. Buzzfeed, you should have known! Why didn’t you call this woman directly to get her input before posting such an “okay” article? She can’t relate to this at all because you didn’t include a pear shaped woman! Why can’t people just accept the article for what it is, laugh at it, say, “Hey, I have that problem too when I shop!” and then move on? It’s been established, no I’m sorry, it’s been tattooed into our brains that everyone has a different body type. You don’t have to keep reminding us. You could be an internet troll and you don’t even know it. I’m sorry if I just ruined your day.


3. Political Articles

Some people are die hard into politics which is totally cool by me. Somebody has to be, right? It certainly isn’t me. You start talking about homeland security, and I’m already thinking about that gelato I’ve been craving for hours. The big topic nowadays, mostly because younger kids are now starting to get into politics more than when I was in high school and college, are social issues, probably because that is the only form of politics they actually understand. Legalize marijuana? Gay marriage: yay or nay? Birth control methods? Abortion: yay or nay?

Isn’t there a saying that goes something like, “Don’t bring up politics at the dinner table”? What ever happened to that? Clearly that has gone completely out the door now that we have Facebook, the Internet land that brings us all together. Please, please, please…stop bringing up politics and/or religion on Facebook. I don’t know how much more I can take. It’s all about respect. You can have your opinion, but don’t degrade the other parties opinions within your opinion. At least half of your friends list is going to disagree with you and want to hit you upside the head with a hockey stick, while the other half will praise your common sense. We will NEVER be 100% happy in this country. There will always be something that needs fixing. There’s no reason to make someone feel stupid because they disagree with you.


Do not, I repeat, DO NOT invite me to a presidential candidates fan page. How rude is that? Why are you just assuming I’m voting for them? Get a grip.


4. The iPhone

The fact that a new iPhone comes out every six months is insane. You can barely enjoy the brand new one you just upgraded to, and then before you know it, a new one is being released next month. Great marketing for Apple, but such a waste of money for consumers. You then have to wait a year and a half to purchase the “newest” version, and during that time, your phone will slowly begin to fade away, your data is non-existent, and you most likely cracked it one drunken evening and need to cough up $200 at the Apple store to fix it.


5. Twitter…in a nutshell.

Twitter 1

Is this actual English I am witnessing?

Twitter 2

Or just the fact that the cage could unhinge itself and fall down however many stories…but sure, a tornado is plausible.

Twitter 3

Yeah guys, like omg. An 18th century painting is not nearly as important as your 3pm selfie.

Twitter 4

The fact that this account even exists is annoying.

Twitter 5

I sooooooo do not want to have kids now….

Twitter 6

Oh the horrors! Talk to me in ten years, let alone twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, basically until your death bed.

Twitter 7

It’s called being an adult. And that’s only about half of what we do…

Twitter 8

By all means, quit school, find a job, pay bills, and then tell me how life is going….


I wish I could go back in time and live in like the 50’s. You know, when people knew that Titanic was real outside of the James Cameron movie. Yes, there are children on the Internet today who say, “Why didn’t anyone save those people while filming? That’s just sick!” or the ever famous comment, “OMG, Titanic is real!?!?”


I want to live in a world where people do not believe Nirvana is vintage yet….too soon. Too. Soon.

Either technology has to get the hell out, or I’m gone. I’m pulling a Matthew McConaughey and changing dimensions just to get away from this universe. I do not belong in this decade.


I’ve tapped out.

You’re lucky this rant wasn’t written by Sam. He has a thing or two to say about technology and the fact that it never works for him.

But in all seriousness, thank you for sticking through this obnoxious rant. It has been long overdue.


17 thoughts on “Why Technology Needs To Find a New Planet

  1. Yes, yes, yes and yes. If the kids these days had any idea what life was like before cell phones and tablets, they would die. And heaven forbid if wi-fi or the power goes out. Can you even imagine how few of them would survive a week if the power went down permanently? Like that show on NBC? The horror!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is the greatest thing I’ve read in a long time. The thing that drives me nuts about selfies is it’s never going to stop. There will never be a day where people stop taking pictures of themselves and posting them to social media. Internet trolls needs a life. Have they not noticed yet that no one in the history of time has won a debate on Facebook? Anyways, this was great. Probably gonna read it again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Unfortunately this is true that the selfies will never end. I swear Internet trolls know they are being trolls and do it just to be a troll. And the amount of comments and statuses on FB that are completely botched grammatically that I can’t even read it makes me loose faith in our intellectual abilities.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I really want to get 10 internet trolls/ppl who rite lik dis on fb (man that was painful) in one room and just ask them what’s going through their mind. For me, it takes more effort to post with spelling mistakes or short forms than if I type normally. I wonder how some people graduated high school sometimes.


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