Humor, Out of the Ordinary, You're Fine

You May Call Me Chutney

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Elle Woods: Miss Windham, did you hear shots fired?

Chutney: No, I was in the shower.

Elle Woods: So, sometime in the twenty minutes that you were in the shower, your father was shot. 

Chutney: I guess. 

Elle Woods: Your father was shot while you were in the shower, but you didn’t hear the shots, because you were in the shower?

Chutney: Yes. I was washing my hair. 

So this incident occurred last night. After filling up on carbs and garlic bread, I jumped into the shower to clean away the tiny two miles I ran earlier. It was an unusually long shower because I was a bit distracted.

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As soon as I got out of the shower, Sam was nowhere to be found. I heard a village of people outside like they were all having a secret meeting without me. Sam came rushing in and said I needed to get outside PRONTO.

Apparently, some drunk driver lady swerved into our street, banging up five parked cars along the road before coming to a complete stop. Luckily, our cars were untouched. But she managed to bang up against the last car and drag it from it’s parking spot to the middle of the street.

How Sam describes it, it was a loud screech and a patter of bangs down the street one right after another. The entire neighborhood was standing on the street watching everything unfold like the Dane Cook joke. Instantly his voice rang in my ears.

Dane Cook: You were in the basement? She was in the living room! I was in the kitchen cleaning a dish! And then I heard it, so I came out. 

That man has mapped out a car accident perfectly. You hear the screeching noise, the bang, and then instantly look for your shoes. You run out, everyone’s watching, nodding, explaining their theories to what must have happened. You stand there for hours until everything is cleared out. Everyone discussed about how loud it all was, and meanwhile I was like:

chutney

I feel like this happens to me a lot. Sam hears neighbors in the street screaming at each other, I’m in the shower. Sam hears helicopters and jets overhead, I’m in the shower. Sam thinks he hears gun shots (unlikely), I’m in the shower. Sam feels an earthquake, I’m moving around too damn much to notice.

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I don’t know what it is about incidences such as these that make us want to be a part of it. It’s almost like trying to join a club of people who have experienced shit, and when you don’t get into that club, it just reminds you of the days you were picked last in gym class. You know it will be a topic of conversation for the next few days that you can’t actually participate in. Instead, you’ll just nod your head in agreement without uttering a word because you didn’t hear a damn thing.

Unfortunately, one of the banged up cars was a neighbor of ours, but luckily, no one seemed to be hurt. The drunk driver was arrested, and now we are back to our regular, boring lives.

Moral of the story: Don’t shower.

I’m just joking. Seriously though, don’t drink and drive. This person is going to be paying off these cars for the rest of her adult life. Considering our neighborhood is busy, full of people walking their dogs and jogging, it’s a miracle nobody actually got hurt.

Stay safe folks.

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12 thoughts on “You May Call Me Chutney

  1. When my Gerald goes on a long walk without me, something interesting always seems to happen (he sees a bald eagle, there’s a dog fight, etc. etc.). If I’m with him – nothin’. And when he goes to the gas station or the store or WHEREVER, there’s always some “incident.” He’s seen teenagers yahoo (steal) beer from the convenience store, he’s gotten into some verbal altercation with another driver, etc. etc. Yeah, some of it is most likely self-induced, but still.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I do my best thinking in the shower. Can’t say I’ve ever missed anything exciting like you, but I did come up with a really cool mathematical equation once that helped end poverty and starvation across sub-Saharan Africa, so that was cool.

    Or, more likely, I made an animal shape out of shampoo.

    Whatevs…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Moral of the story: Don’t shower” hahaha. When I was at school living in residence, I was in the shower when the fire alarm went off. It was too loud not to here but man was it annoying walking outside all wet.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I live right by an intersection that is bad news (2 one way streets). I’ve witnessed at least 10 flipped cars, but always from my front porch…in my robe. I am always in the shower when I hear the familiar screech/thud/crash.

    Liked by 1 person

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