We Americans celebrate every holiday. And not just the old, “Hey, Happy National Doughnut Day.” No. We go all out. We stand in line for hours just to get one free doughnut just so we can say we celebrated National Doughnut Day. Naturally, the Fourth of July is one of the biggest holidays of the year. If you’re near a beach, you spend the whole day sunbathing until you’ve turned into a lobster, and you eat an unhealthy amount of hot dogs, burgers, and dip along with an entire 30 pack of beer in one day. No wonder why the obesity rate is so high. We pretty much do this with every holiday.
Hell. We do this for holidays that don’t even belong to us. Cinco de Mayo has more Americans celebrating than actual Mexican Americans.
Let’s just face it. We love parties.
And parties mean the consumption of alcohol.
I’ve decided to put together a Fourth of July drinking game. Now the goal is to not die, so please, drink responsibly.
1 Sip if…
– You see someone wearing an Independence Day bathing suit. This includes any red, white, and blue combo.
– You see and/or hear random fireworks popping during the day/night.
– You hear “U-S-A” chants.
– You see someone wearing red, white, and blue face paint.
– You see someone eating a hot dog and/or hamburger.
– You see someone drinking a festive Fourth of July beer can.
2 Sips if…
– You see a parent yelling at their kid.
– You see someone funneling a beer.
– You see kids playing with sparklers.
– You see people playing beer pong.
– You see a chicken fight.
3 Sips if…
– You see a couple drunkenly fighting.
– You get hit on.
– You see a strange and accidental tan line.
– You hear people singing The National Anthem.
– You see someone wearing a cowboy hat.
– You see someone puke.
Finish your drink when…
– You see a woman in a bikini that is barely covering her private parts.
– You see a man in a speedo.
– You see someone passed out in an unlikely place.
I hope you find this game festive and useful to your activities throughout the day. May you all consume more than one hot dog and hamburger, and may you all be safe from malfunctioning fireworks and sparklers.
I hope you all have a wonderful Fourth of July. For the rest of you who don’t celebrate this holiday, have a splendid Saturday.