I’ve finally made it back to New Hampshire and I’ll be here for three whole weeks! I can’t wait to lounge around in the humidity and smell the fresh green grass as opposed to the dry, red sand that clogs my sinuses. I’ve traveled so much during my first 24 years on earth, and the flight from LA to Boston was a real shitter. I forgot how much I despise airports.
Here are 9 signs you’re about to have a god-awful flight.
1. You have a connection flight.
Sam and I do our best to avoid connection flights at all costs. Of course, if it’s 300 dollars cheaper to do a connection, we will do it, but we will be extremely bitter about it. 90% of the time, one of your flights will be delayed, and you are either sitting in the airport for 6 hours or you’re running from terminal to terminal because you have 10 minutes before the flight takes off. It’s a huge feat when you actually make it to the gate on time.
2. Security triple checks your bags because you look like a suspicious character.
Note to self: Do not pack Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina in your backpack because it looks like the B-word. Going through security is the absolute worst because these guys are high class dicks. It’s almost like every airport trains their security personnel on how to perfect being a dick by yelling at citizens to keep moving. I struggle every time to lift my damn duffle bag onto the belt on top of pulling out my laptop, kicking off my shoes, finding my cellphone, taking off any jewelry, and praying I didn’t lose my boarding ticket in the process.
3. There are no bars and/or restaurants to lounge in.
Sam and I like to travel in style, and we enjoy getting to the airport a little early so we can wine and dine. That way you can conk out on the plane and pretend like you never stepped foot on the jetliner. The worst is when you end up in a terminal where civilization ceases to exist. The only thing that’s bumpin’ is the crappy Starbucks where the coffee is either too sweet or too bitter, and the convenience store where you can do some light reading on the Kardashians and snack on a Kit Kat bar.
4. You’re in the last zone.
I really wish flights would call passengers up according to their seats. It makes no sense to have person in 28B board first while the person in 5F is boarded last. It’s a clusterfuck. Everyone is running around the cabin trying to find their seat and running to the end of the airplane to store their luggage overhead. There has to be a better way to go about this folks!
5. They make you check your luggage even though there is plenty of room.
Nothing worse than getting up to the gate to board and they steal your luggage because there “isn’t enough room”. Say goodbye to your bags because it could very well end up in China. I absolutely hate checking bags, especially if it involves a connection. What makes it even more horrible is when you finally board the plane and your bag could have easily fit snuggly between the Hello Kitty backpack and the hockey gear.
6. The seats are uncomfortable.
Some airlines have the most comfortable seats and you feel snug like a bug in a rug. Meanwhile, there are the demon flights that make you feel like you are sitting on a pile of rocks. If you’re short like me, you can’t find a proper head rest because your neck doesn’t reach the actual head rest on the seat. By the end of the flight, you feel as though your neck has snapped in half.
7. There is a baby and/or child sitting in the seat in front of you.
Let’s just say I had the pleasure of having both a child and a baby sit in the seat in front of me. And said child may or may not have peed in her sleep while I felt a gush of liquid freshen up my feet and stain my backpack. I don’t know for sure but either way, the kid spilled some form of liquid all over my legs and backpack, and I was even more grumpy than before.
8. There is no sleeping during a red eye.
No matter how large the sleeping pill is, there is no sleeping up in here! Zero. Zilch. Nada.
9. The conveyer belt for the baggage claim is broken and you have to wait an extra 20 minutes.
The airport just loves your company so much that they will do whatever it takes to make you stay longer. Not only are you praying that your luggage even makes it on the conveyer belt and it’s not in Hong Kong, but you have to search the many suitcases and duffle bags in hopes yours isn’t the last one on the belt.
I’m glad I don’t have to get on an airplane again for another 3 weeks. Unlike poor Sam: LA>BOS>LA>SF>BOS>LA. Talk about a nightmare. Let’s all pray for Sam during this long month of July for him.