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Trying to Escape Beer Pong

I am one of very few people in this world who dislike Beer Pong. For some, they learned it in high school (not me), and for most of us, we learned it in college. Next to playing Kings, it was probably the first drinking game you ever played. I thought that after my college graduation, I wouldn’t come across the damn game again. I was sadly mistaken.

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I’m sure most of you are probably thinking, “Why don’t you just not play, Jess?”

I wish it were that simple. I’ve never really come across peer pressure when it came to drugs and alcohol. I think for the most part, nobody actually cares and they are thinking, “More for me!” But when it comes to Beer Pong, forget it. You are thrown onto the list without even knowing and soon, you’re being dragged up to the table by your hair forced to play.

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There are several reasons why I despise Beer Pong.

First off, I’m not a competitive person. At least, not enough to get up there and get excited over my hand-eye coordination, which doesn’t exist for me. Last thing I want to do when casually drinking with friends is to have some macho dude yell, “YEAH! IN YOUR FACE!”

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Secondly, everyone, and I mean everyone, plays the game differently. I’ve never come across so many rules in my life when it comes to Beer Pong. Some people says girls can only throw the ball with their left hand while guys throw the ball from behind their back. Some say form the diamond when there are four cups left, while others say leave it the hell alone. Some say run around the table two times when the opposing team calls for “Balls back!” Some say stand on your head and spin while tossing the ball into the cup. Some say eat a bowl of live spiders if your team loses.

And then, of course, when you don’t know THEIR rules, they ask, “Awww, is this your first time playing?”

200-8Thirdly, I’d much rather play Kings. There are so many funny elements to the game such as 8 Pick a Date, 6 Chicks, and then Waterfall, and yadda yadda yadda. Beer Pong doesn’t make me laugh, and I’d like to laugh.

Fourthly, you are sometimes partnered up with a stranger, which is the absolute worst. You don’t know how they are as a person, therefore if you suck, they most likely hate your guts and you have to avoid them the rest of the evening. Or they suck more than you do and you have to carry the game, which is hardly a good thing.

And my fifth and final point, some people take Beer Pong way too seriously. They get all hot headed, flex their muscles, kick and yell if the game isn’t fair. They hardly smile or laugh because they are concentrating too damn hard because if they lose, their manhood is diminished slightly. This goes for girls too. It just means you suck just as much as they predicted, which is a sting to your ego. Trust me, I get it. Anytime I actually get the ball into the cup, I hear “There ya go!” like I’m a dog fetching a frisbee.

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This is just a reminder that you are literally tossing a ping pong ball from a not-so-far distance into a solo cup filled with beer. This, in no way, proves your athletic abilities, intellect, or character. All that it shows is that you’re trying to get drunk. End of story.

I’ve played a lot of Beer Pong games with a lot of different people. Some of them have been with friends while some have been with strangers, and it’s almost always the same. Therefore, when I say I’m all “Beer Ponged out”, I mean it. I seriously, 150% do not want to play.

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6 thoughts on “Trying to Escape Beer Pong

  1. YESSSSSS. Finally someone agrees with me! I’m slightly convinced a lot of people pretend to like it just to avoid the inevitable “oh you’re not playing because you know so-and-so and I will sweep you guys.” Nah dude, just not playing cause this game SUCKS SO HARD.

    Liked by 1 person

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