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Things I’ve Learned Before The Age of 25

It’s still eight months away but, I will be turning 25 soon. Those eight months are going to fly by, and fast. I already feel I’ve learned some valuable things, but they are things you can’t necessarily take back. They are things that will change your attitude entirely.

Like, remember when you were 18, and you could eat two cheeseburgers, a bag of potato chips, and wash down a Devil Dog with an orange soda? And that was all just for lunch? I do.

Until one fateful day, I awoke to a belly the size of a six month pregnant lady.

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It just springs out of nowhere like a wart you need to have surgically removed. And you’re like, “It’s okay. I can fix this! I’ll work out and I’ll have my body back!” Nope….

You wanna know why? Once you go there, it will never be the same. It’s just like how I imagine when kids walk in on their parents having sex. It will always be there, in your mind, hovering. And for the ladies…we’d have to run a marathon every single day in order to lose a couple of pounds. It’s just how our bodies work. My aunt calls it the “childbearing years”, which is the explanation to a constant struggle females seem to have. I have to point out, that completely sucks. I’m not ready for kids, so if my pre-baby weight can take a fucking hike, that would be greeaattt.

200-23Another thing I’ve noticed is that women are much more friendly towards one another than in high school and college. Maybe it’s because our bodies stopped being assholes and hormonal and take it out on innocent girls. Here’s a scenario:

You’re with a guy friend of yours and he asks if you want to stop by his dorm room to hang out, maybe watch a movie with his roommates and a few friends. You’re like “Hm, yes. Sounds splendid.” You show up to the room and find three other girls you don’t know on the couch chatting with everyone. All three of them glare at you because another female has stepped onto their territory. I swear it’s like cats in heat. They pee all over unsuspecting boys to claim them and the poor saps have no idea it’s happening. It reeks in the room of female cat piss and you instantly feel uncomfortable. You’ve reached a zone that you didn’t have the secret password to. And the guys are adorable because they have no idea that World War III is erupting with our eyes, backhanded compliments like, “Oh, I saw that shirt the other day! I absolutely hated it on me but it looks cute on you,” and the awkward silence. So your guy friend is like, “This is great! You know my friends, I know yours, and we can all be friends! YAYYYYY!” I just want to point out, this doesn’t work in girl world. We have to go through obstacles, exams, and at least one funny scenario for us to call truce and be friends. I’m happy to report that I have not experienced this after college.

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Even though I’m on the verge of turning 25, I’m now constantly asked when I will be getting hitched. I get it. It’s a fair question to ask. I’ve been with Sam for five and a half years. And of course, I see tons of girls on Facebook getting engaged each week, and it’s hard not to compare yourself to them. It’s in our nature.

“Well, Jill has only been with her boyfriend for 6 months!”

“They’re still in school! How crazy is that?!”

When in reality, the girl could totally be knocked up, they’re engaged, have a quickie wedding, and boom, “OH MY GOD I’M PREGNANT. Crazy, right?!” So, try not to compare yourself too much. There’s always more to the story.

I’ve also learned what it’s like to live with a boy. I’ve learned their sneaky ways, and tricks into getting out of something. What I pride myself in is the fact that I’m learning all of this NOW and not 15 years into my marriage.

Here’s another story for you:

Sam is hungry. No, hangry. You know, hungry and angry? Well, when he’s hangry, the world is ending. The internet takes a second longer to load, and suddenly he’s like, “WHAT?! WHAT IS THIS? DO WE NEED TO CALL CHARTER? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.” Instantly, I know…he’s hangry. Then his phone isn’t working, and his check is taking longer to cash then planned, and he didn’t record his favorite TV show, and basically everything else you can think of is wrong. So I calmly tell him, “Go make some Ramen. Breathe…and eat Ramen.”

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He walks over to the Ramen bag and fiddles with it. It’s as if he has forgotten how to function as a regular human being. He fiddles, flips, tosses, and he still can’t open the damn bag. He finally looks over, “Can you just do it? I just, I just can’t right now.” At that point I’m like, “Just give me the fucking bag. I’ll do it.”

Mission. Accomplished.

He completely got out of something he had no interest in doing because he was hangry. And he knows I’ll do it so that it will shut him up for five minutes. He’s smart. Boys and girls – take notes.

I’ve also learned how to cook dinners other than frozen dinners, take-out, and spaghetti. You kind of have to, because like I stated before, you can’t eat like you’re 18 anymore. I’ve learned how to cook actual chicken, tacos, vegetables, rice, etc. I made the most delicious Shrimp Scampi and if Sam wasn’t eating the other half, I would have eaten the entire thing. Number one rule in cooking, don’t read recipes. Skim them, at best. After you’ve skimmed it, go from there. All of the times I read a recipe too closely, I’ve screwed it up completely. But the ones where I had a direction and winged it, they’ve come out wonderful.

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You wouldn’t think that 25 would be a huge leap from 22, but it is. I know people get all bummed when they get older, but honestly, it’s much better than those teenage years when the only thing you knew is what colleges you were applying for and your new license. Every once in a while, getting older feels kind of good.

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6 thoughts on “Things I’ve Learned Before The Age of 25

  1. Sherri says:

    Hahahaha! Hangry. I love it. Maybe you should keep some Snickers around for when he turns into a “Diva”. BTW: Every man I have ever known is like this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this! Everytime my friends talk about how mature they are and how much they’ve “learned/experienced” I think about how they’ve never lived with their men and chuckle to myself as I sip tea with my pinky out. Silly girls (and sometimes boys)…. they have no idea what horror lies before them

    Liked by 1 person

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