Awkward, Humor, Manic Monday, My Idea Of Being An Adult, Rant, You're Fine

The Self Check-Out Line

I loathe grocery shopping. It’s usually a train wreck of a situation because no matter the time of day I go, it’s always chaotic and crowded. I’m never thrilled to go grocery shopping because that just means I’m dropping an X amount of money for food that will last three days. There are a million reasons to hate grocery shopping.

  • Those assholes who take up an entire aisle with their cart and completely ignore you when you try to scoot past them. (P.S. I will stand there like a gnat buzzing in your ear until it annoys the shit out of you that you move.)
  • The line for check-out goes all the way through the chips and crackers aisle and wraps around the display of $20 steaks.
  • To buy fruit or not to buy fruit? Only for it to rot the next day.
  • Finding creative ways to make one trip from your car to your apartment.


When I know I need to do a big spending spree of a week’s worth of food, my goal is to be in and out in thirty minutes. And that’s a long time for me considering how much I hate grocery shopping.

I’m sure we’ve all noticed the “Self Check-Out” registers grocery stores have installed now. They’ve been around for a while, and they claim to be faster than standing in line waiting for the 15 carts one customer has piled food into. This is a lie.

I know what you’re thinking – the self check-out line is not for people who are buying food for their seven children and four pets. I agree. The only people I’m buying for is myself and Sam. So our “big spending spree” consists of bananas, a few frozen dinners, two nights worth of actual dinner making, and cereal. Therefore, I feel entitled to use the self check-out line anyways.

The self check-out line was made by the writers of Pretty Little Liars who say, “Faster? Hahahaha false alarm!”

The self check-out line was made by your mom, who constantly checks on you to make sure you’re okay.

The self check-out line was made by the Patriots, who can’t seem to get away with anything. Not even lying about how many paper bags they’ve used.


The self check-out line is a heinous joke on humanity. At least it is at Ralph’s. For some reason, I always go through it. And every time, I regret it instantly. It’s like taking those tequila shots at the bar with your friends. It always seems like a good idea, convenient even, and then you wake up the next morning wanting to bash your skull against the wall.

They squeeze in six registers in a tiny little space that should only hold like, four. My cart can barely fit next to the register.

You must, I repeat, you must place the item you just rung up on the register, and put it inside the bag on the weight station. Otherwise, “An attendant has been notified to assist you.”

If you’ve bagged up four paper bags, they must all be kept on the weight station and not put away in the cart like a normal situation, otherwise, “An attendant has been notified to assist you.” 


Is the register having a hard time finding the bar code? “An attendant has been notified to assist you.” 

You constantly have someone watching your every move. It’s vital to the self check-out process, but it also feels like I’m on probation wearing a neon orange jumpsuit picking up trash on the 405.

Yet, I still always come back to it. I guess that just means I have faith, or I’m an idiot. You decide.

What are some of your horror stories from the grocery store?


11 thoughts on “The Self Check-Out Line

  1. Yeah, all I needed was one greeting card and for some reason the weight wasn’t registering and the credit card wasn’t taken, then when it was all done I never got a receipt, but I had already spent too much time, so I just left with the hope that I never have to return that card.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d seriously wait in line behind an extreme couponer with 50 cases of diet coke in their cart (who needs 50 cases of diet coke?) than go through the self check-out lane. Those robots are out to get us!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your disdain for grocery shopping equals mine, and for all the same reasons. I am a big fan of the U-Scan (self checkout) lanes, though. But only because I know what I’m doing, unlike 90% of the people who use it.

    Liked by 1 person

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