There was a short period of time when all I watched were TLC Wedding shows, such as Say Yes To The Dress and Four Weddings. They are the perfect resources for little souls such as myself to help me prepare for all of the things that I don’t want for my future wedding. For instance, bringing 15 people to help pick out your wedding dress.
Say Yes To The Dress is basically upperclass women who can afford, or more likely, their parents can afford a $5,000 wedding dress of their dreams. Trust me, if I could afford a pricey gown such as those, I’d be calling Kleinfeld’s right now and booking my appointment. But I doubt I’m crazy enough for the producers to allow me on the show.
Some of these women seem to bring everyone and their pets on these adventures to find the perfect wedding dress. And there is always, ALWAYS, someone who is like, “Oh you like that dress? I fucking hate it.” I cannot stand these women. Usually it’s the bride’s sister, mother, aunt, or grandmother. And they always say, “I just didn’t picture you walking down the aisle in this dress.” Let’s rephrase that : “I just can’t picture myself walking down the aisle in this dress.” I’m sorry, but if I’m helping a friend go wedding dress shopping, I’m going to throw all of my dreams aside and listen to her, since you know, she’s the one getting married. I don’t look at her trying on dresses and say, “When I envision you walking down that aisle….” NO! You envision yourself. Throw that shit away man. It’s not your day.
Secondly, the bride always has someone in particular they are trying to please. “It’s super important that my mother loves my wedding dress. If she doesn’t like it, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
Why is this a deal breaker? I mean, I’m close with my mom and everything but we have two completely different styles. I know that whatever I want in a dress, my mother would love anyways. It’s your wedding day. Why are you walking around trying to please everybody else? Just buy the damn dress you fell in love with and screw the rest.
Let’s talk about Four Weddings, one of the most ridiculous wedding shows I’ve ever seen. Four strangers invite each other to their weddings and they grade each other on overall experience including dress, venue, food, etc. The winner gets an all paid honeymoon with their groom to a surprise destination – a.k.a. some cliche tropical resort where they can sip on Margaritas and spin each other around for the new Sandals commercial.
This show is rigged! It makes ZERO sense. Four strangers, who know nothing about each other, grading weddings. It should be called Giving This Wedding a Five Out of Ten Because The Bride Didn’t Have Enough Diamonds On Her Wedding Dress. They just sit there, degrading one another because one wedding served too much seafood and she “doesn’t like seafood”, therefore she thought the wedding sucked ass.
And naturally there’s one bride who gives everyone else a low grade in hopes to win because her wedding is just so much better. I get excited when that bitch is dead last on the grading scale.
Some things I’ve learned from wedding shows:
- If you want a big blow out wedding, then fine. But please, do not hire those fire breathing Polynesians. You’re trying too hard.
- There’s no such thing as a “Classic Southern Belle Wedding”. We get it. You’re from the South. Throwing on some cowboy boots with your dress doesn’t just give you a Grade A for a Southern Wedding. Moving on.
- Do not tell me what horoscope you are to explain why you’re being a crazy bride bitch. The stars are not aligned asshole. Stop screaming at your mom.
- Be at the weight you want when you go wedding dress shopping. Walking in, telling the assistant that you plan to be thirty pounds lighter by the wedding is stupid and unrealistic. You are going to have a nightmare of fittings for the next few months.
Who else is obsessed with these wedding shows though?