Humor, My Idea Of Being An Adult

The Office

office

It’s been a few months since my last office job and even though the stability of work and a paycheck was nice, I’ve come to terms with the fact that working in an office is not for me. Some people enjoy the same routine over and over again, day after day and I honestly wish I got that same satisfaction. I look back on my office days and can’t help but feel dread and gloom. Here are some reasons why working in an office is not for me.

1. I Eat My Life Away

When you are sitting at a desk for eight hours, you can’t help but reach for the chips, chocolate bars, and pastries. It’s just like when you are watching TV. You have to snack on something to pass the time.

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2. Everyone Is On A Diet

Just like you, everyone else is snacking. Therefore, all of your fellow employees are on a diet. So when you reach for that third miniature candy bar, they snatch it away, letting you know they are doing you a favor. And you also get to feel like the cow of the group when you head out to lunch together and order a burger instead of a salad, dry.

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3. You Have To Fake A Smile

When your boss approaches you saying they have a really awesome project for you with animation and jazz hands, only to find out you will be picking out the new file cabinet from Staples, you force that award-winning smile. And it’s ridiculously painful.

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4. You Get Thrill Over Silly Things

You never thought of yourself as a person who got excited over mundane things but when you’re stuck behind a desk, you become that person. Your entire day is mapped out before you, so when you get a mysterious package on your desk that actually doesn’t belong to you, it means you get to walk away for a whole five minutes to find the owner.

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5. You Are Never Sure Who To Trust

It’s always nice to have that best bud from work who you can complain with, and tell each other the latest office gossip. But sometimes, you don’t know who you can actually trust. Is that best bud going to use your friendship as a ploy to reach to the top? Or is she going to continue the frivolous friendship like you hope?

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6. Work Parties = Awkward Social Gatherings Where We Discuss Work

You’d think with the free wine and food and happy-go-lucky atmosphere, that work parties would be the time and place to break out of your shell a bit. Get to know your co-workers on a more personal level, and find out that Grumpy Dan from Accounting actually has a sense of humor. But in reality, you will be meeting more people at your company you had no idea existed, and then you are forced to make conversation with them, and naturally the first bit of conversation that comes to mind is about work. So it’s just more work…away from work.

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7. You Still Have To Deal With The Public

I always thought that outside of my restaurant and retail job, that I would eventually land an office job that included not talking to the public. People suck. End of story. But I have yet to come across a job that doesn’t require you to deal with shitty people. I’m convinced they don’t exist. To some level, you have to deal with someone at some point.

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8. Fluorescent Lights

I’m reliving my middle school dances all over again.

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9. When Projects Go South

Your manager says, “Hey, can you build a schedule for me, and color code it? I just need to stay organized but I don’t have the time to do it.” Coloring? Hell yeah! So you create this wonderful schedule, perfectly neat and outlined to help with her chaotic life. You are so proud that your graduated skills of coloring in between the lines has paid off. Until she sees it and says, “Hmmm….could you actually start the calendar week with a Monday instead of a Sunday?” And then you start over, but you don’t care. It’s fine. She didn’t specify. So you fix the masterpiece until she says, “Actually, can you label my PTA meetings in red instead of blue? It just makes more sense for me.”

….sure. So you fix it. Then she says, “Mmmm, no wait. The PTA meetings in blue were fine. And can you actually make the boxes bigger?”

You want to say, “Why the hell didn’t you just make it?”

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Perhaps my next office job, if I get one, will be slightly better. It always depends on the actual job. Sitting at a desk reading and editing would be a dream. If only Michael Scott was my boss. 

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25 thoughts on “The Office

  1. I’ve never worked in an office but this reminds me a lot of the staffrooms I’ve been a part of, especially the diet thing. Ugh. I don’t know how many kale salads I had around me, making me look like a slob with my cookies.
    And yeah, the parties….you think that they’ll be a good opportunity to get to know one another outside of work but then you inevitably discuss work because there’s nothing else to talk about.
    Love this!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I’ve had way too many kale smoothies to the point where I felt like I was growing an alien inside me. And then to pretend that I thought it was delicious only to be daydreaming about mac n’ cheese an hour later. #painful
      And of course at the work parties, you want to drink more in order for your brain to collect creativity in conversations but then you just look like a lush. It’s a vicious cycle.

      Like

  2. I have an office job and today I am feeling RESTLESS. I am sooo ready to get out of here. And the office drama around here gets ridiculous. You’d think we’re all in high school again. I shudder at the thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with this overall, but fortunately have found the exception to the rule with my current employer. This afternoon, we are having a creative offsite meeting at my boss’s house with food and booze. Not a bad way to break up the monotony!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have been working in an office for two years. In those two years I have gained a good 30lbs. Me and this other girl constantly order Mexican, Chinese, Italian and bunch of other take out. Food and an office go hand and hand lmao

    Liked by 1 person

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