A little over a year ago, I read Fifty Shades of Grey. My friend will still text me funny things she finds on Vine, Twitter, and Tumblr that makes fun of the porn-filled novel that was turned into a motion picture. Now, I don’t usually like to say when a book is “bad”. I try to avoid it because everyone has their own taste when it comes to books, movies, and music. I get it. It’s not even so much the plot that got me to hate the book and burn it in a trash can, blazed by flames created with my own two hands (I didn’t actually because playing with fire freaks me out), but the writing of it. There were so many mistakes, plot holes, and language that made absolutely no sense that I couldn’t even conceive it as real. You can find my review here: Slapping, Floggers, and Pancakes, Oh My!
Now, E.L. James basically sums Christian Grey up by naming three characters from British Literature:
Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester.
Elizabeth Bennett’s Mr. Darcy.
And Tess Durbeyfield’s Mr. Alec D’Urberville.
For some of you who have either 1. never read any of these three books, and 2. never seen any of these three movies, probably have no idea that all three characters are complete dickwads. I will give brownie points to Mr. Rochester and Mr. Darcy because they ended up being alright in the end – simply misunderstood. Just look into circa 2005, the Emo era.
At the time, when I read Fifty Shades of Shit, I hadn’t read Tess of the D’Urbervilles, written by Thomas Hardy in 1891. I knew nothing about the novel besides for what I found on Google when Ana Steele basically announced she had the hots for Alec D’Urberville, and that made Christian Grey very, very happy.
Well, I finally finished Tess of the D’Urbervilles, which makes me hate E.L. James even more. Not only is the book absolutely amazing, heartbreaking, and passionate, but I now have to associate the novel with fucking Fifty Shades. Super.
Secondly, it made me want to punch Ana Steele right in the baby maker. She says she’d rather have an Alec D’Urberville in her life. Lemme explain:
Alec D’Urberville, who was Tess’ cousin (which I know was a thing back then, but it’s still nasty), took advantage of sixteen-year-old Tess by raping her once she fell asleep in a field. He was one step away from necrophilia. He basically said, “Hey look. She’s unconscious. Don’t mind if I do…” Which then resulted in her getting knocked up, ruining her purity and reputation. The poor girl knew her life was ruined because she could never get married due to the fact that some slimy man got his hands on her first. After her baby died of complications, she meets Angel Clare, a very handsome, polite, well-mannered man who falls so deeply in love with her, and wants to marry her. She feels the same way by being like, “Hey, I really, really dig you too. But I just can’t for reasons I can’t explain.” The book is amazing because given the fact that it was written in the 19th century, it really shows rape as an actual problem, and the double standards between men and women. Basically, everything in Tess Durbeyfield’s life went straight to hell the moment Alec D’Urberville showed up.
HE SOUNDS LIKE A REAL CATCH.
After I finished this life altering novel, I had to ask myself, or to E.L. James, why on earth she thought it a good idea to compare Christian Grey to Alec D’Urberville? Does she want us to like him, or hate him? It’s a fair question, I think. I understand that E.L. James created this fan fiction from Twilight, but come on. That’s insulting as well. I know a lot of people out there are like, “Bella and Edward had an unhealthy relationship, and he abused her emotionally, and he was so controlling, blah, blah, blah.” Bullshit. Edward was a fucking vampire. She was a human. He was trying to keep her safe from those crazy vamps in Italy who would have killed her the second they laid their gross, red eyes on her. Edward could be as controlling as he wanted! She held his biggest secret for crying out loud! Control on, man.
Anyways, E.L. James – you are despised. Not only because I can’t look at this Thomas Hardy novel with pure eyes, but because you get to sit in your mansion, rolling in your cash and laughing like a lunatic because you made writing, which is extremely difficult and challenging, to look easy. Congrats.