It’s that time of year when we Americans hold hands around a large dining room table with a stuffed turkey in the center singing “Kumbaya” like we are trying to bring back our dead pilgrims. It’s that time of year when it’s socially acceptable to eat three rounds of turkey, mashed potatoes, vegetables and try every single one of those 15 pies in the kitchen with a scoop of ice cream, only to grovel in pain on the couch the rest of the evening while watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. It’s that time of year when you can continuously drink wine throughout the day because chances are, you are not driving anywhere. It’s that time of year when we all share what we are thankful for, and then ignore everything we say once midnight hits for Black Friday.
It’s Thanksgiving season.
When it comes time for my awkward turn around the table to express what it is I’m thankful for, my immediate response almost always is, “I’m thankful for my friends and family.”
Sure. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends and family, and having them around is swell. But let’s be honest here. I’m thankful for a hell of a lot more than that, and much of it is probably stupid. So here is my honest list of all the things I am thankful for but I won’t actually express any of them at the table:
1. Taron Egerton’s Jaw
2. Cow-tipping my cat Mumford
3. Peanut Butter
5. Any show on TLC
6. The fact that cooking spaghetti takes approximately 20 minutes and doesn’t require me to clean up my kitchen.
7. Steam Cleaners (It’s on my Christmas Wish List)
8. When you buy headphones that last longer than 6 months.
9. Headphones in general so you can ignore social situations while walking down the street.
10. White Wine — because Red Wine sucks.
12. Gilmore Girls, for giving me everyday quotes to live by, and copy.
13. Mac Computers, because every PC I touch turns into a virus.
14. Paper towels, not just for spills, but for when the baby sneezes after I’ve just given her a mouthful of sweet potato.
15. The satisfaction I get when a car is following me in a parking lot, hoping to snag my spot, only I’m not leaving.
16. Amazon – For when I’m too lazy to get in my car and buy whatever it is I need to buy.
18. Breakfast Burritos
19. Investigation Discovery Channel for causing distrust with every individual I meet…but at least I won’t get murdered.
20. Investigation Discovery Channel commercials. Your “Southern Fried Homicide” commercial was by far the best.
22. Ben & Jerry for coming up with the best ice cream combos.
23. J.K. Rowling
24. The ocean mostly because if I had to swim in a lake my whole life, I would just die. (If you’re not freaked out by lakes, have you ever seen an Investigation Discovery Channel show?)
25. Adele for her chillingly beautiful voice.
That about sums up all of the weird and lame things I am thankful for. What are some of the things you are thankful for this season? And don’t just say your “family and friends” because I will call you a liar.