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My Hullabaloo

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It looks like I’m heading home for the holidays. I didn’t originally plan to go home, but it’s needed right now.

Who here has read The Bell Jar?

‘Cause I’m feeling a little bit like Esther Greenwood without the whole suicide thing. None of you need to be concerned for the safety of my health but my mind is not working properly right now. I’ve hit a bit of a rough patch.

I haven’t been working for nearly six months and I’ve become a bit of a slump. I’ve lost my way, so to speak. My focus is shot, my ambition is shot, and overall, I’m unhappy with how things are going at this point. For almost a year, I’ve been wanting to write about this “hullabaloo” that Esther Greenwood/Sylvia Plath mentions. She says,

“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”

Ever since I finished that book back in February, I’ve been feeling like I know Esther Greenwood like she’s my pal. The word hullabaloo means “clamorous noise or disturbance”. But after finishing the book, I realized what hullabaloo means to both me and Esther. The two of us are floating in what our eyes is a sea of nonsense. While we feel like we are drifting, the rest of the world still moves on, doing everything they think they are supposed to be doing when we are unsure what role we play.

Perhaps I’m selfish for not appreciating every job opportunity that comes my way, but it is what it is. For the past two and a half years since I’ve graduated, I’ve felt more unaccomplished than perhaps I should. Sure, I got my master’s, but for right now it’s just another degree that I have to figure out what to do with like it’s a puzzle. I chose a complicated route to take in finding myself and what I want in a life and career, I’ll admit that. It causes a lot of rejection and failure, but I knew that going into it. It’s not easy being far away from everyone and everything I knew, and so far, California hasn’t been treating me with kindness.

So, right now, I need to go home and clear my head. I need to go home to check on my relatives whom, health wise, are not doing the best. I need to go home and basically figure out my life and what I want. I need to breathe and focus. I need to have meaningless chit chatter with my sisters, and watch highly inappropriate shows and movies with my mother. I need to put all of my energy into positive possibilities, and grab hold of it if something comes of it.

T-minus 27 days until I land in Boston, and I could cry at the thought.

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14 thoughts on “My Hullabaloo

  1. Kadi Didn't says:

    Jessie,
    There are so many ways that I can relate to you. Finding our path is so difficult! I also read a book that brought this to my realization. John Green’s, Looking for Alaska he keeps talking about this Labyrinth, this maze that is difficult to find out way out. Good Luck and I hope when you go home you can remember why you started.
    Sincerely, Kadi

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The first several years after graduating is always really difficult. I think we have all these expectations that everything will magically fall in to place. And when it doesn’t and things are harder and harder to figure out, it’s discouraging. It’s cliche to say but eventually things do fall into place. But for the time being, a trip back home with family is probably the best thing for you.

    Liked by 1 person

      • That’s really the most difficult, and probably the thing I struggled with the most after I graduated. It’s so hard to decide what you ultimately want to do. Hopefully the trip home will help clear your mind and figure things out a bit.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been on that kind of feeling since I was graduated 15 or so years ago. I just getting a feeling I should be doing more with the things I’m good at, and not doing the crap I don’t. So are you going home for a while or just the holidays?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Two things.
    One: We both reposted our blog posts at the exact same time today.
    Two: I feel like you went inside my hide, took all the thoughts out, and wrote this post. This is exactly how I feel too.

    Liked by 1 person

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