It looks like I’m heading home for the holidays. I didn’t originally plan to go home, but it’s needed right now.
Who here has read The Bell Jar?
‘Cause I’m feeling a little bit like Esther Greenwood without the whole suicide thing. None of you need to be concerned for the safety of my health but my mind is not working properly right now. I’ve hit a bit of a rough patch.
I haven’t been working for nearly six months and I’ve become a bit of a slump. I’ve lost my way, so to speak. My focus is shot, my ambition is shot, and overall, I’m unhappy with how things are going at this point. For almost a year, I’ve been wanting to write about this “hullabaloo” that Esther Greenwood/Sylvia Plath mentions. She says,
“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”
Ever since I finished that book back in February, I’ve been feeling like I know Esther Greenwood like she’s my pal. The word hullabaloo means “clamorous noise or disturbance”. But after finishing the book, I realized what hullabaloo means to both me and Esther. The two of us are floating in what our eyes is a sea of nonsense. While we feel like we are drifting, the rest of the world still moves on, doing everything they think they are supposed to be doing when we are unsure what role we play.
Perhaps I’m selfish for not appreciating every job opportunity that comes my way, but it is what it is. For the past two and a half years since I’ve graduated, I’ve felt more unaccomplished than perhaps I should. Sure, I got my master’s, but for right now it’s just another degree that I have to figure out what to do with like it’s a puzzle. I chose a complicated route to take in finding myself and what I want in a life and career, I’ll admit that. It causes a lot of rejection and failure, but I knew that going into it. It’s not easy being far away from everyone and everything I knew, and so far, California hasn’t been treating me with kindness.
So, right now, I need to go home and clear my head. I need to go home to check on my relatives whom, health wise, are not doing the best. I need to go home and basically figure out my life and what I want. I need to breathe and focus. I need to have meaningless chit chatter with my sisters, and watch highly inappropriate shows and movies with my mother. I need to put all of my energy into positive possibilities, and grab hold of it if something comes of it.
T-minus 27 days until I land in Boston, and I could cry at the thought.