I haven’t watched the summer finale of Pretty Little Liars yet, so please, no spoilers. But honestly, I’ve grown to not care anymore. It’s the same predictable crap over and over again. SOMEONE DIES. “Oops! Jokes on you guys!”, says Marlene King. I’m going to guess that someone dies in the summer finale, or gets close enough to death to scare the bejesus out of viewers. What bugs me is that none of the liars are actually ever close to dying compared to all of the other characters. They’ve had close calls but realistically, we all knew those bitches were not going to die. Looking back, their close calls are comical. Like in season one when Toby chases Emily out of the dance and she has this weird fall and somehow breaks her arm. Or Spencer getting choked by Ian in the bell tower, very Poe-like by the way. Hanna has had more brushes of death than anyone else when she gets run over by the car, and then most recently held hostage. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget Aria disappearing from a train FULL OF PEOPLE leaving her dramatic Leonardo di Caprio hand print against the window only to find her in a coffin with an irrelevant dead guy.
They aired the “Five Years Forward” back in January, and I was on board with everyone else, excited to see a change in the show. I was looking forward to seeing how the girls progressed in the course of five years, but I was met with disappointment because absolutely nothing changed. Let’s discuss these “changes” Marlene King had in store for us:
Spencer is/was some big time political advocate of some sorts, working in Washington D.C. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she was the President’s assistant within a year or two. Hanna quit her insane assistant to a designer job and is now happily starting her own clothing line with the help of Lucas who is a millionaire all on his own at the age of twenty-three. Aria landed an editorial job at a publishing house and is now going to be a best-selling author. Let’s not forget Allison, who is a high school English teacher after spending most of her high school career in hiding, yet somehow managed to finish college and get her teaching certificate.
I thought these girls were supposed to be fresh out of college? What happened to the unpaid internships and eating Chinese food out of the container in the dark because you can’t afford electricity? Or the fetching of coffee because you’re at the bottom of the totem pole?
The only liar who has the most realistic job right after college is Emily, who is now a bartender. Good for you, Em! You’re keepin’ it real.
*I realize she hasn’t actually finished college yet, but you get the picture.*
Everyone is getting married. Hanna was engaged, but BIG SURPRISE, now she’s not. Toby is engaged to someone irrelevant and is currently building a house for his love in Maine. Aria and Ezra were about to elope in Italy until they found out Nicole might still be alive (and then when they found out she wasn’t, Aria so badly wanted to throw a dance party to celebrate her continuous death). Allison eloped with that psycho Elliot and then tripped on a bump in a rug that somehow Elliot planted, and we all watched her fall dramatically down a flight of stairs. I laughed out loud.
Also, everyone except for Spencer somehow ended up with their ex. We all know the Emily and Paige story will continue.
Now that the liars are of age, they obviously will be drinking in every single scene.
Here’s how it actually works after college: you go to your shitty job, come home after sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, put on your sweats, throw on Friends, eat take-out, and then remember at 10pm that you should have had a glass of wine, go to bed instead.
It really hit home for me last week when the girls found the zip drive that contained all of the videos from when they were in the bunker. As it turns out, Noel Kahn was in on everything the whole time. You could see his face clear as day. Spencer wanted to hand that shit over to the police but Hanna was nowhere to be found because she was too busy being stupid, trying to trap Noel and nearly killing herself in the process. The girls were all kumbaya about it and were like, “Hanna isn’t here. It’s only right that we do this thing together.”
Why?! They were acting like they were having a girls day and were about to go get their nails done and were scared Hanna would feel left out if she wasn’t informed first. So naturally, they waited like the dumbasses that they are. Spencer hears a noise in her house, freaks out, sees a shadow and OH LOOK, THE ZIP DRIVE IS GONE. Any chance to take down Noel Kahn is ruined.
Congrats, girls. You’ve done it again.
Their common sense and maturity level is still at an all time low.
And how many mysterious love children are going to turn up in this show? Your estimates are much appreciated.
I guarantee the series will end wrapped up in pretty paper with a nice big bow on top. Everyone will get what they want.
P.S. The guy who plays Marco, Spencer’s new love interest, is like 40 years old….
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