*Dials number to Sixteen-year-old Jess, fully aware that the ringtone is a Boys Like Girls song*
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Hey, hey, hey! Who is this?
Current Jess: I forgot how annoying you were…
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Okay, seriously. Who is this?
Current Jess: This is Jess…from the future.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: That’s impossible. I don’t believe you.
Current Jess: You’re probably wearing a really tacky and unfashionable Hollister sweatshirt right now.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: That doesn’t prove anything. Everyone has those sweatshirts. Tell me something nobody else knows.
Current Jess: You never read the first Harry Potter. And you read the rest of them completely out of order.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: That was a really lame example…
Current Jess: Okay fine. You kissed Aidan Murphy in the fifth grade…
Sixteen-year-old Jess: *GASP* What do you want? Why are you holding this against me?
Current Jess: He had extremely chapped lips and it freaked you out…
Sixteen-year-old Jess: EW. STOP.
Current Jess: I’m here to fill you in about life.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: How old is future Jess right now?
Current Jess: I’m 25.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: *Sighs* I can’t wait to be 25. I’m going to go to Clark University and study anthropology. Or I’ll go to the Art Institute of Boston and become an art teacher. 25 is going to be amazing.
Current Jess: *Chuckling* Oh Jess…none of that happens.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: What do you mean none of that happens? I had a plan!
Current Jess: I know you do. You were stuffing college brochures in your desk drawer since you were thirteen.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Did I at least study abroad in England like I always wanted to do?
Current Jess: Yes. I will gladly tell you that you accomplished that. Congratulations.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Okay, well at least that’s something. So what happened to the rest of it? You’re 25. You’re supposed to be set in your career. Am I an art teacher? Do I work in a fancy office? Do I wear nice clothes? Do I have my own apartment? Am I getting married soon?
Current Jess: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Lassie. First of all, you never became an art teacher. You studied art history.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: But I hate art history.
Current Jess: You grew up and changed. It happens to all of us. You also like broccoli now.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: So what do I do for a living?
Current Jess: I’m not going to dive too far into that one because it’s messy, frustrating, chaotic, and frankly, you’ll want to punch me in the throat.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: What about marriage? Am I getting married soon?
Current Jess: No, probably not.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: *hyperventilating* WHY NOT?
Current Jess: I don’t know, dude. Calm down. You can’t just marry the first guy to pay attention to you. It doesn’t work like that. Take your time. You haven’t even figured the career part out yet.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: But there is so much I wanted to do. I wanted to teach English to schoolchildren in Nigeria. I wanted to backpack through China. I wanted to hole myself up in a cabin in Washington State, away from everyone else for a little while. Kind of like Johnny Depp but without the mental breakdown.
Current Jess: There’s still time. Just because you haven’t done those things by the age of 25 doesn’t mean you need to write them off the list entirely.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: What about my friends? I still have my friends, right?
Current Jess: Eh. Not really. Only a select few. But that’s okay. You enjoy being by yourself, remember?
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Yeah, I suppose. But what happened to those friends?
Current Jess: You just realized they weren’t the best people to be around. Quality means more to you than quantity.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: So, what’s your plan now?
Current Jess: I don’t really have one.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: What do you mean you don’t have one? This is our life you’re screwing with!
Current Jess: Remember when you were around three-years-old, and you used to go with mom to her night classes at Lesley? And you would walk ahead of her through Harvard Square?
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Yeah. I would pretend I was a Harvard student even though I was three.
Current Jess: Exactly. That’s when you started dreaming about college.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Get to the point, please.
Current Jess: My point is you’ve been planning your life out since then.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Since I was three…
Current Jess: Yes.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: So you’re saying I’m a lunatic.
Current Jess: Yep. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Stop planning and start living.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: How do I do that exactly?
Current Jess: Don’t think. Just do. Just be happy. That’s all that matters.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: Okay. I guess that’s decent advice. Can you just tell me one thing?
Current Jess: Shoot.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: You’re still with Tristian, right?
Current Jess: HAHAHAHAHAAHA. Nah. He’s married to some Romanian girl now.
Sixteen-year-old Jess: What?!
Current Jess: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. *click*