Art, My Idea Of Being An Adult, Thoughts, You're Fine

My Quarter Life

There has a been a weird vibe in the air. I don’t know if any of you can feel it but I certainly can. It’s been here for a while. It could still be the aftermath of January and all that it has to offer me, which is usually nothing. It could be the fact that I’m still adjusting to my move. But something seems…off. Things seem strange with friends whom I haven’t talked to in a while, but I have been busy over the last month. Life in general feels like it’s tipping over. I no longer have a routine.

My days are now mushing together and I don’t like it. I find myself sinking into my bed, staring at the twinkle lights I hung up around my closet door for what feels like hours. I like to stay busy, but I have very little motivation lately. Every day, I find a new bruise on my arms, legs, or neck from putting together furniture since I arrived in Charleston. My body is sore. My mind is weak. I haven’t even had much inspiration to blog. If I go on WordPress, I glance through the feed for about two seconds before tossing my phone at the end of my bed and crawling under the covers for the rest of the morning.

But I was in my car this morning thinking about my quarter life crisis I had nearly a month ago. I was home in New Hampshire visiting my family before I moved down south. It was 2am, and I was sobbing into a pillow with my mom by my side. I’m not even sure what happened to make me so upset. It wasn’t the thought of moving away from my family. I’ve already done that what feels like a thousand times. I think I’ve said goodbye to them more than I’ve said hello. I was telling her about a potential job in an art gallery in Charleston that I’m both excited and terrified about it. I finally admitted to my mom that I’m scared I will fail. After all those years in college, studying, memorizing, practicing, and drooling over the art I was taught, I’m scared that in the end, I will find out I’m not actually good in the field at all. Then what? Perhaps that’s why I’ve had such trouble finding a job in my field since I graduated. I’ve secretly been sabotaging myself into believing I will fail and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Then my mom brushed the hair off my face and simply said, “I have never, not even once, been worried about you succeeding. When it comes to art, you know exactly what you’re doing and saying. I have no doubt you will be great.”

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So, I’ve been trying to remember what she said. I have to stop convincing myself that something will go wrong. I have to focus. But, if I wake up every morning like I did this morning, with Mumford’s paws wrapped around my leg and his head digging into my ankle, I will definitely spend an extra fifteen minutes in bed.

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23 thoughts on “My Quarter Life

  1. commutingwithkristen says:

    Hey girl, it sounds like you finally got all your bed pieces from those stupid movers. So at least you’ve got a comfy bed goin’ for you, am I right?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your mother sounds amazing. My mother takes the opposite tack (“You will fail. You’re stupid and you will fail. Imagine even thinking you could succeed! How ridiculous! Maybe you should just give up now. Accept that you will never amount to much.”) which… I don’t know if it’s supposed to be reverse pyschology but it definitely doesn’t work.

    I think a lot of us have been in a serious gloom for the past two months. I know I’ve had a weight on my shoulders I just can’t shake off and can’t name. It’s a struggle to get out from under the dark cloud but I’m doing my best. You sound like you’re doing your best too, and can we really expect more from ourselves than that? It’ll pass. We’ll get motivated again. That’s what I’m counting on, anyway…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d like to think your mother is trying out reverse psychology haha but you’re right. Most of the time that doesn’t work.
      It’s definitely been a weird gloom. I can’t tell if it’s a gloom I get at this time of year every year but it’s been very hard to shake off. Let’s hope it passes soon!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We’re all beginners until we’ve done something for a while. I think the art you’ve shown here is great. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone’s taste is different. You have talent, and your work will appeal to those who appreciate it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is me on most days, minus the cat nibbling on my ankles. I’d probably kick it into next week. I’ve felt this vibe among bloggers to, it’s like we’re living the same kind of life. I don’t know what the answer is. Naps forever?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I could never kick Mumford into next week. If you saw what I saw this morning, I’m sure you’d be like “I’ll give it another ten seconds before I move.” Meanwhile, it took me an hour. I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt him haha. And I agree, naps always and forever until the feeling is gone.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m experiencing a lot of change and weird feelings right now. Some days I’m super excited for the future and other days I wonder when/if I’ll ever figure life out.

    I’m there with you, Jess.

    Life is rough sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

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