Dating, Girls, My Idea Of Being An Adult, Thoughts, You're Fine

Little Bird

A little bird gave me a wonderful piece of advice and wisdom recently that I’m trying to hold onto dearly.

But first, I’ll explain how my date went with Navy Man on Monday. He was a gentleman, for sure. He held the door open for me. He paid for me the entire evening. He made good conversation with rare moments of silence that didn’t really feel awkward. However, I did find out within the first 30 minutes that he turned 21 in March. Instantly I knew, this guy is too young for me. I was confused because he explained that he went to culinary school for 2 years, and then has been in the navy for the past 2 years, which is why I thought he was more in the age 24 range. Did this guy graduate from high school at 16?
I accepted his age in that moment and decided to just enjoy myself. After dinner, we went to another bar, tried a few weird cocktails called a Jimlet, which tasted exactly like a gimlet, and listened to a Beatles cover band.

On Wednesday, he texted me saying that he had an amazing time and hopes that this wasn’t a one time thing. He said he really enjoyed my company and wants to get to know me more. Now, I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. After a couple of days, I decided I really wasn’t interested in this guy anymore for various reasons, and not just the slight age difference. I politely said that I really appreciate what he has said and I had a great time and would like to hang out again sometime on more casual friendly terms. I told him I’m not looking for anything serious or long term, which in hindsight, is true. Suddenly, he pulled a 360 on me. His response was, “I could be on the other side of the planet in 6-7 months. I don’t know where my job is going to take me. I’m just looking to have a little fun while I’m still here…”

Oh, so now I’m an escort. Or a Geisha. I’ve been downgraded. Immediately, I was even more turned off by this guy than before. I know he responded that way because I kinda sorta rejected him. He said all of these nice things and now he’s considered me his party animal. Oh, okay.

To be fair, I did tell him I wanted things to be casual and light hearted. But he could have responded in a better way.

After that comment, I don’t have an intention of seeing him again. Which brings me back to what my little bird friend said to me a few weeks ago. To sum it up, they explained that dates are kind of pointless. People treat them more like a checklist, which is not the way to find your potential partner. You should find your future someone when you’re comfortable with them and nothing is forced. If you have to force conversation simply because you “matched” on Bumble, then it’s kind of doomed from the start. Everything should come naturally.

Which brings me to my question: if what I said to Navy Man is actually true, that I’m not looking for anything long term right now, then what the hell am I dating for? To pass the time? To seek out attention when I’m feeling the most vulnerable? Writing that out makes me feel like I’m wasting my time and I’m already annoyed with myself.

So, how can you just accept yourself for who you are, without the needs of someone else? I’m getting there, slowly but surely. Especially a few weeks ago when that guy made the cute comment and I shut it down immediately. I’m tired. I’m tired of the same conversation over and over again. I’m tired of the same compliments. I’m tired of trying to find a way to let people down gently. It’s all very exhausting.

I need to stop dating out of boredom. I need to learn how to take myself out on dates, and be content with myself. I’ve been told you can’t fully love someone unless you love yourself first. But that’s easier said than done.

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10 thoughts on “Little Bird

  1. I can definitely relate to this. When I was casually dating, I went through this phase where I really questioned the whole point of it all. I wasn’t in the mindset to want anything serious. I still found myself stressing the dates and worrying over what to wear, what to talk about, etc. When I was actually on the dates, even the non-horrible ones, I mostly wanted to go home. If you’re not getting anything out of dating, then there’s nothing wrong with taking a break. When you eventually return back to the dating scene, you’ll feel a lot more energized and positive about the whole thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m definitely considering just taking a break. It was fun at first, especially since I was in a new city and just trying to meet new people, but now it’s gotten redundant.

      Like

    • Hahah it is quite the epiphany! It’s reassuring, annoying, and confusing all at the same time. I’m in one of those “can everyone just leave me the eff alone please?” kind of moods.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hate dating. I do think it is awkward and forced. Once of my friends will occassionally tell me about her Tinder dates and they always seem to end awkwardly. My short foray into OKCupid certainly didn’t have any successes.

    I’ve definitely experienced my fair share of trying to make things happen with someone just to have that relationship, cross that goal off my checklist. Each experience has been a dismal failure. You’re absolutley right that we have to accept ourselves first. Definitely easier said than done. Sometimes it sucks. But I really think the best relationships (like most of the best things in life) come along when we aren’t desperately looking for them.

    This is such a relatable post, Jess. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Scrubs and I were having dinner the other day and there was a couple seated nearby who were clearly on their first date. The girl was running through her list of hobbies like it was an interview. Scrubs looked at me and said, “thank God we skipped all that.”

    Over a year before I met Scrubs, I had this same epiphany you’re having now. I realised I was wasting my time and not even enjoying it, and I decided just to focus on myself and enjoy myself and not get into anything until I met someone who was really worth it. It had moments of Suck because I stayed celibate through it (waaaaah), but then I met Scrubs and we clicked and there weren’t really even any dates we just…. fell together. I do know I was enjoying myself IMMENSELY in that year! That’s my experience with it for whatever it’s worth.

    Liked by 2 people

    • If and when that time comes for me where I just solely focus on myself, it will be liberating. A lot less stressful for sure haha thank you for sharing your thoughts!

      Liked by 1 person

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