Anecdote, Awkward, Girls, Humor, Thoughts, You're Fine

How to Fend People Off

I had an attractive evening last night, I say with sarcasm. I met up with my new friend, Felicia, who I met on Bumble BFF (yes, that’s a real thing. Bumble isn’t just for dating). Since Felicia and her boyfriend, Larry, are also new to Charleston, they join these MeetUp groups in various locations to meet other new young people. It’s kind of a nice way of making new friends and breaking the ice since you’re both there for the same thing. So, I gathered with a MeetUp group last night and it was all kinds of shenanigans.

I turned into Miss Sassenfrass, probably from the tequila shot I took. THEY MADE ME DO IT. Peer pressure at its finest. So I’m going to give you four solid examples on how to shoo unwanted people away, Jess style.

1.) The Cute Comment

A guy I had just met with the MeetUp group decided to flirt with me by asking if anyone has ever said how cute I am.

I wasn’t even sure how to answer such a stupid question. Now, it’s not stupid because I think highly of myself. It’s stupid because I’m a girl, so when I go out with my friends and a man comes up to me, 9 times out of 10, it’s the first thing he says. I’m 5’1”. That’s usually a straight shot towards the cute comment.

So I stared at him and said, “Um…yes. All the fucking time.”

In which he said, “Oh, so you think you’re hot shit?”

WELL THAT TOOK A TURN.

In which I said, “No, not at all. But that comment isn’t exactly bizarre either.” Which I think was my way of hinting that I was not impressed by any means.

2. ) The Tough Guy

Larry was joking around with Felicia and he pushed her. They were both pushing each other in a playful way, so the whole thing really was innocent. All of a sudden, some guy jumped out and shoved Larry up against the wall yelling, “You think you can touch a female like that!?”

^^^ By the way, why did he have to say “female”?

Felicia and I were a bit surprised and we had to grab the guy off of Larry and explain that they were just joking around. However, the tough (and drunk) guy decided to follow us and heckle Larry down the street, accusing him of beating girls. After about 15 seconds of him following us, I whipped around and yelled, “Can you fuck off!?” (I think that was the tequila talking.)

My lady bark was big enough that the tough guy quickly walked away.

I may be small, but don’t underestimate my barking capabilities.

3.) The Guy Who Rubs the Seat Next to Him Like a Creep

In one of the bars we were in, there was a giant swing that can fit about four or five people. A few of our friends decided to sit on the swing and I pushed it out of friendliness. For some reason, the guy sitting on the end kept motioning me to sit next to him like we were in a Marvin Gaye music video. It was weird and uncomfortable. So, I pretended not to hear him, and continued pushing the swing.

Now, this is just a simple Ignore-Him-Until-He-Gives-Up-Because-He-Will-Eventually-Give-Up.

4.) When Everyone Wants Your Pizza

Felicia, Larry and I (Third Wheel for Lyfe) decided to get pizza. Naturally. I got my pizza (I will not tell you how much pizza I got because I’m still thinking about how disgusting of a human I am), and walked all the way home. However, the drunks on King Street tried to take my pizza. Every ten seconds I’d walk by someone yelling, “Can I have some?” So, I put on my good old New England gremlin face that says, “Don’t talk to me” and walked as fast as I could to get away from the leeches. Once I turned a corner onto a quiet street, I happily dug in.

I hope this post serves you well. If you have any suggestions on how to fend people off, please share them in the comments. I will be taking vigorous notes. As vigorous as the man rubbing the seat next to him.

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Attempting to talk sports, Festivities, Humor, Thoughts

19 Thoughts While Filling Out My March Madness Bracket

‘Tis my favorite time of year. Let the March Madness begin.

  1. This is happening. It’s happening. Oh my god it’s happeningggggggg.
  2. There’s something so satisfying about filling out a bracket.
  3. I think I’m sexually attracted to March Madness brackets.
  4. Hmmmm Wisconsin or Virginia Tech?
  5. GOING WITH VIRGINIA TECH BECAUSE I’M A SPICY MAMMA.
  6. Isn’t Baylor a form of Ibuprofen?
  7. I just Googled it. It’s not. But it sounds like it could be, doesn’t it?
  8. Ask your doctor about Baylor today. Side effects include…
  9. I swear to God, Baylor is some kind of pill. Allergy pill? Anyone? If you find the pill, please let me know so that I can stop feeling crazy.
  10. Purdue sounds like a type of soup.
  11. When I say Gonzaga, it sounds like the dramatized version of “Mufasa”. And now I’ve potentially ruined Gonzaga for you. You’re welcome.
  12. Why am I not tweeting this shit?
  13. I feel like those gamers with the headsets and four different screens in front of them while filling out my bracket.
  14. This is the first year I’m betting money with a group. I better win.
  15. Heart palpitations.
  16. Water water water.
  17. Heart palpitations.
  18. North Carolina, do not fail me. Go for the gold.
  19. And now I get to do this all over again with a second bracket. And I cannot wait.
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Books, Humor, I Wasn't Worried, Thoughts

Rory’s Books

Okay Gilmore Girls fans. I found the Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge. I’m sure I’m a few years too late but I don’t care. I’m acting as if this list was released yesterday.

I know. You’re just as excited as I am. As if the Goodreads Reading Challenge isn’t stressful enough, let’s just add another one to the mix. But, I am a woman with goals. Maybe this list will take me five years, twenty years, or a hundred years. But golly oh mighty, I will finish this list.

So friends, come wallow with me in the pain that is this reading challenge. I’m sure you’re all jumping to the opportunity to read The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

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RORY GILMORE READING CHALLENGE

1.) 1984 -George Orwell
2.) Adventures of Huckleberry Finn – Mark Twain
3.) Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
4.) The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay – Michael Chabon
5.) An American Tragedy – Theodore Dreiser
6.) Angela’s Ashes – Frank McCourt
7.) Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
8.) The Diary of a Young Girl – Anne Frank
9.) The Archidamian War – Donald Kagan
10.) The Art of Fiction – Henry James
11.) The Art of War – Sun Tzu
12.) As I Lay Dying – William Faulkner
13.) Atonement – Ian McEwan
14.) Autobiography of a Face – Lucy Grealy
15.) The Awakening – Kate Chopin
16.) Babe – Dick King-Smith
17.) Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women – Susan Faludi
18.) Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress – Dai Sijie
19.) Bel Canto – Ann Patchett
20.) The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
21.) Beloved – Toni Morrison
22.) Beowulf: A New Verse Translation – Seamus Heaney
23.) The Bhagava Gita – Unknown
24.) The Bielski Brothers: The True Story of Three Men Who Defied the Nazis, Built a Village in the Forest, and Saved 1,200 Jews – Peter Duffy
25.) Bitch in Praise of Difficult Women – Elizabeth Wurtzel
26.) A Bolt from the Blue and Other Essays – Mary McCarthy
27.) Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
28.) Brick Lane – Monica Ali
29.) Bridgadoon – Alan Jay Lerner
30.) Candide – Voltaire
31.) The Canterbury Tales – Chaucer
32.) Carrie – Stephen King
33.) Catch-22 – Joseph Heller
34.) The Catcher in the Rye – J. D. Salinger
35.) Charlotte’s Web – E. B. White
36.) The Children’s Hour – Lillian Hellman
37.) Christine – Stephen King
38.) A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
39.) A Clockwork Orange – Anthony Burgess
40.) The Code of the Woosters – P.G. Wodehouse
41.) The Collected Stories – Eudora Welty
42.) A Comedy of Errors – William Shakespeare
43.) Complete Novels – Dawn Powell
44.) The Complete Poems – Anne Sexton
45.) Complete Stories – Dorothy Parker
46.) A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
47.) The Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
48.) Cousin Bette – Honore de Balzac
49.) Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoevsky
50.) The Crimson Petal and the White – Michel Faber
51.) The Crucible – Arthur Miller
52.) Cujo – Stephen King
53.) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time – Mark Haddon
54.) Daughter of Fortune – Isabel Allende
55.) David and Lisa – Dr Theodore Issac Rubin M.D
56.) David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
57.) The Da Vinci -Code – Dan Brown
58.) Dead Souls – Nikolai Gogol
59.) Demons – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
60.) Death of a Salesman – Arthur Miller
61.) Deenie – Judy Blume
62.) The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America – Erik Larson
63.) The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band – Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, Mick
Mars and Nikki Sixx
64.) The Divine Comedy – Dante
65.) The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood – Rebecca Wells
66.) Don Quixote – Cervantes
67.) Driving Miss Daisy – Alfred Uhrv
68.) Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde – Robert Louis Stevenson
69.) Edgar Allan Poe: Complete Tales & Poems – Edgar Allan Poe
70.) Eleanor Roosevelt – Blanche Wiesen Cook
71.) The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test – Tom Wolfe
72.) Ella Minnow Pea: A Novel in Letters – Mark Dunn
73.) Eloise – Kay Thompson
74.) Emily the Strange – Roger Reger
75.) Emma – Jane Austen
76.) Empire Falls – Richard Russo
77.) Encyclopedia Brown: Boy Detective – Donald J. Sobol
78.) Ethan Frome – Edith Wharton
79.) Ethics – Spinoza
80.) Europe through the Back Door, 2003 – Rick Steves
81.) Eva Luna – Isabel Allende
82.) Everything Is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran Foer
83.) Extravagance – Gary Krist
84.) Fahrenheit 451 – Ray Bradbury
85.) Fahrenheit 9/11 – Michael Moore
86.) The Fall of the Athenian Empire – Donald Kagan
87.) Fat Land: How Americans Became the Fattest People in the World – Greg Critser
88.) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas – Hunter S. Thompson
89.) The Fellowship of the Ring – J. R. R. Tolkien
90.) Fiddler on the Roof – Joseph Stein
91.) The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Mitch Albom
92.) Finnegan’s Wake – James Joyce
93.) Fletch – Gregory McDonald
94.) Flowers for Algernon – Daniel Keyes
95.) The Fortress of Solitude – Jonathan Lethem
96.) The Fountainhead – Ayn Rand
97.) Frankenstein – Mary Shelley
98.) Franny and Zooey – J. D. Salinger
99.) Freaky Friday – Mary Rodgers
100.) Galapagos – Kurt Vonnegut
101.) Gender Trouble – Judith Butler
102.) George W. Bushism: The Slate Book of the Accidental Wit and Wisdom of our 43rd President – Jacob Weisberg
103.) Gidget – Fredrick Kohner
104.) Girl, Interrupted – Susanna Kaysen
105.) The Gnostic Gospels – Elaine Pagels
106.) The Godfather: Book 1 – Mario Puzo
107.) The God of Small Things – Arundhati Roy
108.) Goldilocks and the Three Bears – Alvin Granowsky
109.) Gone with the Wind – Margaret Mitchell
110.) The Good Soldier – Ford Maddox Ford
111.) The Gospel According to Judy Bloom – Judy Bloom
112.) The Graduate – Charles Webb
113.) The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
114.) The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
115.) Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
116.) The Group – Mary McCarthy
117.) Hamlet – William Shakespeare
118.) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – J. K. Rowling
119.) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – J. K. Rowling
120.) A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius – Dave Eggers
121.) Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
122.) Helter Skelter: The True Story of the Manson Murders – Vincent Bugliosi and Curt Gentry
123.) Henry IV, part I – William Shakespeare
124.) Henry IV, part II – William Shakespeare
125.) Henry V – William Shakespeare
126.) High Fidelity – Nick Hornby
127.) The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire – Edward Gibbon
128.) Holidays on Ice: Stories – David Sedaris
129.) The Holy Barbarians – Lawrence Lipton
130.) House of Sand and Fog – Andre Dubus III
131.) The House of the Spirits – Isabel Allende
132.) How to Breathe Underwater – Julie Orringer
133.) How the Grinch Stole Christmas – Dr. Seuss
134.) How the Light Gets In – M. J. Hyland
135.) Howl – Allen Ginsberg
136.) The Hunchback of Notre Dame – Victor Hugo
137.) The Iliad – Homer
138.) I’m With the Band – Pamela des Barres
139.) In Cold Blood – Truman Capote
140.) Inferno – Dante
141.) Inherit the Wind – Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee
142.) Iron Weed – William J. Kennedy
143.) It Takes a Village – Hillary Rodham Clinton
144.) Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
145.) The Joy Luck Club – Amy Tan
146.) Julius Caesar – William Shakespeare
147.) The Jumping Frog – Mark Twain
148.) The Jungle – Upton Sinclair
149.) Just a Couple of Days – Tony Vigorito
150.) The Kitchen Boy: A Novel of the Last Tsar – Robert Alexander
151.) Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly – Anthony Bourdain
152.) The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
153.) Lady Chatterleys’ Lover – D. H. Lawrence
154.) The Last Empire: Essays 1992-2000 – Gore Vidal
155.) Leaves of Grass – Walt Whitman
156.) The Legend of Bagger Vance – Steven Pressfield
157.) Less Than Zero – Bret Easton Ellis
158.) Letters to a Young Poet – Rainer Maria Rilke
159.) Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them – Al Franken
160.) Life of Pi – Yann Martel
161.) Little Dorrit – Charles Dickens
162.) The Little Locksmith – Katharine Butler Hathaway
163.) The Little Match Girl – Hans Christian Andersen
164.) Little Women – Louisa May Alcott
165.) Living History – Hillary Rodham Clinton
166.) Lord of the Flies – William Golding
167.) The Lottery: And Other Stories – Shirley Jackson
168.) The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
169.) The Love Story – Erich Segal
170.) Macbeth – William Shakespeare
171.) Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
172.) The Manticore – Robertson Davies
173.) Marathon Man – William Goldman
174.) The Master and Margarita – Mikhail Bulgakov
175.) Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter – Simone de Beauvoir
176.) Memoirs of General W. T. Sherman – William Tecumseh Sherman
177.) Me Talk Pretty One Day – David Sedaris
178.) The Meaning of Consuelo – Judith Ortiz Cofer
179.) Mencken’s Chrestomathy – H. R. Mencken
180.) The Merry Wives of Windsor – William Shakespeare
181.) The Metamorphosis – Franz Kafka
182.) Middlesex – Jeffrey Eugenides
183.) The Miracle Worker – William Gibson
184.) Moby Dick – Herman Melville
185.) The Mojo Collection: The Ultimate Music Companion – Jim Irvin
186.) Moliere: A Biography – Hobart Chatfield Taylor
187.) A Monetary History of the United States – Milton Friedman
188.) Monsieur Proust – Celeste Albaret
189.) A Month Of Sundays: Searching For The Spirit And My Sister – Julie Mars
190.) A Moveable Feast – Ernest Hemingway
191.) Mrs. Dalloway – Virginia Woolf
192.) Mutiny on the Bounty – Charles Nordhoff and James Norman Hall
193.) My Lai 4: A Report on the Massacre and It’s Aftermath – Seymour M. Hersh
194.) My Life as Author and Editor – H. R. Mencken
195.) My Life in Orange: Growing Up with the Guru – Tim Guest
196.) Myra Waldo’s Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, 1978 – Myra Waldo
197.) My Sister’s Keeper – Jodi Picoult
198.) The Naked and the Dead – Norman Mailer
199.) The Name of the Rose – Umberto Eco
200.) The Namesake – Jhumpa Lahiri
201.) The Nanny Diaries – Emma McLaughlin
202.) Nervous System: Or, Losing My Mind in Literature – Jan Lars Jensen
203.) New Poems of Emily Dickinson – Emily Dickinson
204.) The New Way Things Work – David Macaulay
205.) Nickel and Dimed – Barbara Ehrenreich
206.) Night – Elie Wiesel
207.) Northanger Abbey – Jane Austen
208.) The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism – William E. Cain, Laurie A. Finke, Barbara E. Johnson, John P. McGowan
209.) Novels 1930-1942: Dance Night/Come Back to Sorrento, Turn, Magic Wheel/Angels on Toast/A
Time to be Born – Dawn Powell
210.) Notes of a Dirty Old Man – Charles Bukowski
211.) Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
212.) Old School – Tobias Wolff
213.) On the Road – Jack Kerouac
214.) One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey
215.) One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
216.) The Opposite of Fate: Memories of a Writing Life – Amy Tan
217.) Oracle Night – Paul Auster
218.) Oryx and Crake – Margaret Atwood
219.) Othello – Shakespeare
220.) Our Mutual Friend – Charles Dickens
221.) The Outbreak of the Peloponnesian War – Donald Kagan
222.) Out of Africa – Isac Dineson
223.) The Outsiders – S. E. Hinton
224.) A Passage to India – E.M. Forster
225.) The Peace of Nicias and the Sicilian Expedition – Donald Kagan
226.) The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Stephen Chbosky
227.) Peyton Place – Grace Metalious
228.) The Picture of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde
229.) Pigs at the Trough – Arianna Huffington
230.) Pinocchio – Carlo Collodi
231.) Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain – Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain
232.) The Polysyllabic Spree – Nick Hornby
233.) The Portable Dorothy Parker – Dorothy Parker
234.) The Portable Nietzche – Fredrich Nietzche
235.) The Price of Loyalty: George W. Bush, the White House, and the Education of Paul O’Neill – Ron Suskind
236.) Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
237.) Property – Valerie Martin
238.) Pushkin: A Biography – T. J. Binyon
239.) Pygmalion – George Bernard Shaw
240.) Quattrocento – James Mckean
241.) A Quiet Storm – Rachel Howzell Hall
242.) Rapunzel – Grimm Brothers
243.) The Raven – Edgar Allan Poe
244.) The Razor’s Edge – W. Somerset Maugham
245.) Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books – Azar Nafisi
246.) Rebecca – Daphne du Maurier
247.) Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm – Kate Douglas Wiggin
248.) The Red Tent – Anita Diamant
249.) Rescuing Patty Hearst: Memories From a Decade Gone Mad – Virginia Holman
250.) The Return of the King – J. R. R. Tolkien
251.) R Is for Ricochet – Sue Grafton
252.) Rita Hayworth – Stephen King
253.) Robert’s Rules of Order – Henry Robert
254.) Roman Holiday – Edith Wharton
255.) Romeo and Juliet – William Shakespeare
256.) A Room of One’s Own – Virginia Woolf
257.) A Room with a View – E. M. Forster
258.) Rosemary’s Baby – Ira Levin
259.) The Rough Guide to Europe, 2003 Edition – Rough Guides
260.) Sacred Time – Ursula Hegi
261.) Sanctuary – William Faulkner
262.) Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay – Nancy Milford
263.) Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller – Henry James
264.) The Scarecrow of Oz – Frank L. Baum
265.) The Scarlet Letter – Nathaniel Hawthorne
266.) Seabiscuit: An American Legend – Laura Hillenbrand
267.) The Second Sex – Simone de Beauvoir
268.) The Secret Life of Bees – Sue Monk Kidd
269.) Secrets of the Flesh: A Life of Colette – Judith Thurman
270.) Selected Hotels of Europe – Unknown
271.) Selected Letters of Dawn Powell: 1913-1965 – Dawn Powell
272.) Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
273.) A Separate Peace – John Knowles
274.) Several Biographies of Winston Churchill – Winston Churchill
275.) Sexus – Henry Miller
276.) The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
277.) Shane – Jack Shaefer
278.) The Shining – Stephen King
279.) Siddhartha – Hermann Hesse
280.) S Is for Silence – Sue Grafton
281.) Slaughter-house Five – Kurt Vonnegut
282.) Small Island – Andrea Levy
283.) Snows of Kilimanjaro – Ernest Hemingway
284.) Snow White and Rose Red – Grimm Brothers
285.) Social Origins of Dictatorship and Democracy: Lord and Peasant in the Making of the Modern World – Barrington Moore
286.) The Song of Names – Norman Lebrecht
287.) Song of the Simple Truth: The Complete Poems of Julia de Burgos – Julia de Burgos
288.) The Song Reader – Lisa Tucker
289.) Songbook – Nick Hornby
290.) The Sonnets – William Shakespeare
291.) Sonnets from the Portuegese – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
292.) Sophie’s Choice – William Styron
293.) The Sound and the Fury – William Faulkner
294.) Speak, Memory – Vladimir Nabokov
295.) Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers – Mary Roach
296.) The Story of My Life – Helen Keller
297.) A Streetcar Named Desiree – Tennessee Williams
298.) Stuart Little – E. B. White
299.) Sun Also Rises – Ernest Hemingway
300.) Swann’s Way – Marcel Proust
301.) Swimming with Giants: My Encounters with Whales, Dolphins and Seals – Anne Collett
302.) Sybil – Flora Rheta Schreiber
303.) A Tale of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
304.) Tender Is The Night – F. Scott Fitzgerald
305.) Term of Endearment – Larry McMurtry
306.) Time and Again – Jack Finney
307.) The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
308.) To Have and Have Not – Ernest Hemingway
309.) To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
310.) The Tragedy of Richard III – William Shakespeare
311.) A Tree Grows in Brooklyn – Betty Smith
312.) The Trial – Franz Kafka
313.) The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters – Elisabeth Robinson
314.) Truth & Beauty: A Friendship – Ann Patchett
315.) Tuesdays with Morrie – Mitch Albom
316.) Ulysses – James Joyce
317.) The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath 1950-1962 – Sylvia Plath
318.) Uncle Tom’s Cabin – Harriet Beecher Stowe
319.) Unless – Carol Shields
320.) Valley of the Dolls – Jacqueline Susann
321.) The Vanishing Newspaper – Philip Meyers
322.) Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
323.) Velvet Underground’s The Velvet Underground and Nico (Thirty Three and a Third series) – Joe Harvard
324.) The Virgin Suicides – Jeffrey Eugenides
325.) Waiting for Godot – Samuel Beckett
326.) Walden – Henry David Thoreau
327.) Walt Disney’s Bambi – Felix Salten
328.) War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
329.) We Owe You Nothing – Punk Planet: The Collected Interviews – Daniel Sinker
330.) What Colour is Your Parachute? 2005 – Richard Nelson Bolles
331.) What Happened to Baby Jane – Henry Farrell
332.) When the Emperor Was Divine – Julie Otsuka
333.) Who Moved My Cheese? – Spencer Johnson
334.) Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf – Edward Albee
335.) Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West – Gregory Maguire
336.) The Wizard of Oz – Frank L. Baum
337.) Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
338.) The Yearling – Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
339.) The Year of Magical Thinking – Joan Didion
Read: 31
Remaining: 308

 

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Humor, Thoughts

A-Z Thoughts: Part 2

Asthma – Mumford is having a series of asthma attacks this week, even though he’s still on steroids. I think he’s immune to them now. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and feel the lump of cat by my feet and abruptly touch him to make sure he’s still breathing. #Momlife

Bachelor – Paul’s blog posts on The Bachelor make me want to watch the show. Although I’m certain his commentary is better.

Charleston – I told myself that I would start packing up some of my things this past weekend and I didn’t. Besides, I work much better under pressure.

Date – I’ve been trying to take myself out on a date for the past two weekends and I’m sort of failing. I’d much rather stay in bed and watch Netflix.

Emma Stone – I’d like her to be my best friend.

Flood – Long Beach, California is practically under water right now. I think it rained three times during the whole year and a half I lived there.

Granny Smith Apple – These are my favorite apples, and I usually eat one every day with peanut butter. I didn’t pack one today and I’m licking my chops.

Hawaiian – I ate pizza for the first time in months on Friday night. I had Hawaiian. I’m still drooling over it. I’m still on a pizza high. Bread sticks were involved too.

Ice cream cake – I’m pretty sure my work will be serving us our monthly ice cream cake fix tomorrow. Not that I’m paying attention or anything…

Johnny Depp – There’s another Pirates of the Caribbean movie coming out. And no, I’m not joking.

Kayak – The video I watched of Long Beach drowning, a guy floated by in a kayak. I’m glad I moved.

La La Land – I finally saw this in theaters. I’m not really into musicals but this one I loved. It deserves all of the Oscar nominations it has received this year.

Mark Wahlberg – I also saw Patriot’s Day. For those of you who have followed my blog for a while probably know that this movie was going to tug at something a lot more personal. I’m glad I went to see this alone because I cried from beginning to end. And had a minor anxiety attack during the scenes with the bombs. But overall, it was a pretty good movie, and the Boston attitude was perfect throughout the whole thing.

Nana – My Nana celebrated her birthday yesterday and my family had a party. My mom sent me some “family portraits” that were done. Basically my uncle laying shirtless across everyone’s lap while my aunt pretends to poor a Budweiser on his chest.

Oracle – I saw the man who created this computer system on TV once. And I wanted to punch him in the throat.

Paris – I’ve been listening to The Chainsmoker’s song “Paris” on repeat. It’s so catchy.

Queen – I still don’t think Beyonce is queen.

Ragnar – Colleen’s cat, who will soon be Mumford’s new best friend.

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Seyit & Sura – Colleen got me into a Russian show with subtitles on Netflix. She has hyped it up so much that I couldn’t resist, and it’s not disappointing at all. For the first time since Pretty Little Liars, I’m yelling at my TV screen, “No Petro! NOOOOOO!” If you want a good heartbreaking series to watch and you don’t mind subtitles, give this show a shot.

Tierney – If you missed my last post, don’t forget to follow my friend Tierney on WordPress! She’s new. Welcome her!  https://tierneyann.wordpress.com/

Uhaul – The thought of transporting a U-haul attached to my car kind of terrifies me. But I am woman. Hear me roar.

Viagra – Does anyone else feel terribly uncomfortable when the Viagra commercials come on? When the women sit on the bed wearing a football jersey?

Winter – We have less than two months of winter left, thank goodness.

Xander – I saw there is some sort of Xander movie out, but I instantly think of Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Youths – There’s a high school I pass every afternoon while on my break and the kids always seem to have half a day. Do kids not go to school anymore?

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Zzz – I got absolutely no sleep last night. It was one of those nights when time was passing quickly but I don’t feel as though I actually slept.

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Humor, Memories, Thoughts

Song Roulette

Paul wrote a post last week playing song roulette. He placed his music on shuffle and wrote out the first thoughts that came to mind when the song came on and then he asked his readers to play along with the game. This was his subtle way of trying to find more music to listen to but he wouldn’t say it specifically. I believe I started a post similar to this a couple of years ago but I don’t know what happened to it. Maybe my dog ate it. Anyways, I came in second (I think) as his honorary best friend for the day but who are we kidding? I already consider myself a best friend.

So here I am playing the game. I honestly have never watched any of these videos so I have no clue what you’re in for. Good luck.

1.) When Did Your Heart Go Missing? – Rooney

This catchy song makes me happy. I think I first heard it on Gossip Girl my junior or senior year of high school, which automatically brings me back to the college application process.

2.) Your Bones – Of Monsters and Men

Of Monsters and Men is one of my favorite bands. There is something very natural and beautiful about their voices that brings a chill to my spine. I got really into them last summer, so I instantly think of the humidity of Connecticut and my morning commute to work through Southport and Westport.

3.) Unforgetful You – Jars of Clay

I first heard this song a million years ago, circa 2003, when I was about 12 or 13. I re-downloaded the song back in the fall of 2015 around the time of my Chicago Marathon, and as a treat, I went to Big Bear Lake the following weekend to relax. I listened to this song on repeat during the drive up.

4.) Stubborn Love – The Lumineers

This song makes me melancholy. It reminds me of my hometown in New Hampshire. Small, quaint, and quiet. I started listening to this song almost three years ago when I had to visit my hometown again to attend a wake for a boy I went to high school with. His suicide really shocked me, and even though we weren’t very close, he was always very kind and sweet towards me whenever we were together.

5.) Dirty Water – The Standells

Boston, Boston, Boston. You walk anywhere in Boston, it’s guaranteed you will hear this song at least once.

6.) In The Waiting Line – Zero 7

Garden State.

7.) I Walk The Line – Johnny Cash

I remember going to my grandparents house and sitting on my Grampy’s lap as he taught me how to play poker with the rest of the adults. They always had some kind of old country music playing in the background like Hank Williams.

8.) Tree Hugger – Kimya Dawson & Antsy Pants

This is a very bizarre song but once you reach the end, you’re like, “Okay…I get the message.” It’s from the Juno soundtrack.

9.) Mercy – Duffy

I don’t actually think of anything in particular when I hear this song but it makes me want to put some heels on and strut down the street.

10.) Girls Chase Boys – Ingrid Michaelson

I listened to this song quite a bit during my drive cross country when I moved to California.

11.) Surrender – Ashlee Simpson

I recently downloaded her Autobiography album because I was once obsessed it with when I was in middle school. I listened to her whole album on repeat when me, my mom, stepdad, and stepbrother went on a family vacation one summer to visit Kentucky and West Virginia.

12.) Mary Jane’s Last Dance – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Senior year of high school, I started reading the Twilight series. I would listen to this song while reading it.

13.) Coat of Many Colors – Dolly Parton

I seem to have quite a few oldies here so far. My parents used to live in Southern Texas. Anything by George Strait, Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, etc., I think of Texas and their bluebonnets.

14.) That’s What You Get – Paramore

I’m a huge Paramore fan. I almost went to a concert once but then my cat broke his leg and I had to look after him. I was real bitter about it.

15.) Blank Space – Taylor Swift

Eh, Taylor Swift is one of those artists I really, really, really don’t like, yet I always find myself downloading her latest song. I have more of her songs than I care to admit. It’s like heroin – you try to stay away from it, but you keep coming back for more (I wouldn’t actually know…I’ve never done heroin. I don’t even know what it looks like). But, I was happy to hear that I’m not the only one who hears “Starbucks lovers” in her lyrics.

16.) American Girl – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

I made myself laugh with this one. Who here remembers the Disney Channel movie My Date with the President’s Daughter?

17.) Into the Sea – Aidan Hawken

I heard this song in a movie I watched on Netflix, Before You Go. It’s one of those unknown movies that was never in theaters but it’s actually really amazing and I loved it. I suggest you put it on your To-Watch list.

18.) Unwritten – Natasha Bedingfield

This song brings me back to my middle school days.

19.) Pieces of You – Jewel

Any Jewel song, I think of my mom and my sisters. We know all of her songs backwards and forwards.

20.) Stay the Night – Zedd

Great song to jog to.

21.) 1234 – Feist

I used to listen to this song during my long study sessions in college at the library.

22.) 23 – Jimmy Eat World

This song makes me want to bid farewell. Every year at my old dance studio, at the year end recital, the girls graduating high school/college would do a little group performance together at the end of the show. Each senior had their own solo piece they performed in the recital, so the group senior performance always made friends and parents tear up. My dance teacher would recite a little blurb for each dancer as a way of saying goodbye. Now, they didn’t use this song as THE song, but rehearsal in the auditorium was almost a two week affair, and I was expected to be there for hours at a time nearly everyday to rehearse my routines with my classes. There were moments of down time, so I would sometimes sit in the audience and watch my friends perform their routines and cheer them on. At times, I’d have my headphones in and this song would come up. Sometimes the routines they were performing matched the beat to this song.

^ That was a long winded explanation.

23.) Does Anybody Hear Her – Casting Crowns

Weird…I did a duet dance to this song with my friend Bridget.

24.) California – Tupac

I, of course, blasted this song as soon as I entered Los Angeles. Duh.

25.) Sweet Disposition – The Temper Trap

I think it’s pretty clear I don’t listen to the radio often. I got this song from 500 Days of Summer. I get most of my songs from movies.

26.) So Yesterday – Hilary Duff

Talk about a throwback.

27.) Believe – Mumford and Sons

I went to their concert over the summer and this was the first time I heard this song. Brilliant, as always.

28.) No Church in the Wild – Kanye West & Jay-Z

The Great Gatsby. I was surprised that I wasn’t wigged out by the soundtrack to the movie given that most of the songs were modern and didn’t matched to that period of time. But somehow, it was fitting.

29.) The Chain – Fleetwood Mac

I used to listen to this song to stretch and warm up before ballet classes in college. I’ve always wanted to choreograph a dance to this.

30.) Ain’t It Fun – Paramore

To answer Hayley Williams, no. It’s not fun.

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Books, Humor, Writing, You're Fine

My 2016 Reading Challenge: Another Failed Attempt

Welp, I failed my reading challenge once again. Another year has come and gone. I did a bit better than  2015, which gives me confidence that I will be able to handle 40 books in 2017. But for the time being, it looks like I can’t update my About Me page just yet.

Just like last year’s post, I’ll give you a list of the books I’ve read with a slightly sarcastic but very brief review. I had a bit of a dry spell. There were many books I read last year that I didn’t particularly enjoy. With that said, feel free to suggest any books I should read. And I’m talking about books I should read before I suddenly drop dead because they are so life changing that it could alter how I view the world, everyone in it, and myself.

 

1. The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*** by Sarah Knight

Image result for the life changing magic of not givingThis book is a game changer. I thank Sarah Knight for my departure from Facebook. And being okay with not liking quinoa.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel

Image result for station elevenIf you love apocalyptic books, you should read this one! It’s centered around the Toronto area years into the future after a nasty epidemic takes over the world. A band of merrily theater folks move from town to town to continue entertaining those who are still alive while trying to defeat an evil man acting like he’s Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

Image result for Me Before YouAnother predictable love story. You can’t help but love it because…Emilia Clarke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Home Is Burning by Dan Marshall

Image result for Home is burningThe prologue of this book is absolutely hilarious and worth the read. The rest? Not so much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran-Foer

Image result for everything is illuminatedI get a strong sense that if I were to ever meet Jonathan Safran-Foer, I probably wouldn’t like him. His writing is not my cup of tea. First and foremost, this novel is based around the main character named Jonathan Safran-Foer. Yeah…you read that right. Secondly, his writing comes off as jargon(y) and almost condescending. If I have to look up a new word with each sentence, it’s going to annoy me rather than make me feel smarter.

 

 

6. The Last Girlfriend on Earth by Simon Rich

Image result for the last girlfriend on earthA collection of short stories about love. It doesn’t sound all that interesting until you come across a short story that’s in the point of view of a condom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Me and Earl and the Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews

Image result for me and earl and the dying girlI’ve heard the movie is better than the book, and I don’t doubt it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 8. Wedding Night by Sophie Kinsella

Image result for wedding night sophie kinsellaI know I keep telling you all how much I love Sophie Kinsella, but please avoid this book. It’s not her best. Girl wants to marry boy, boy does not want to get married, they break up, she meets up with ex-boyfriend, and elopes with him just a week later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach

Image result for the art of fielding book coverIf you like baseball, you might like this book. I’m not really sure. A pet peeve of mine is when things just happen without an explanation as to how it happened, which this book is filled with these moments. I need things to be realistic in a world when it’s supposed to be realistic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Essays of E.B. White by E.B. White

Image result for essays of E.B. WhiteDeath of a Pig is amazing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Ann Fowler

Image result for z a novel of zelda fitzgeraldThis is one of the most interesting books I’ve read this year. I’m a big fan of The Great Gatsby but I knew nothing about Zelda Fitzgerald, the wife of one of the most famous writers in history. Even though this book is fiction, it makes you wonder just how grossly controlling F. Scott Fitzgerald may have been during his time with Zelda.

 

 

 

 

 

 

12. The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender

Image result for the particular sadness of lemon cakeOne of my favorite books I’ve read this year! At the age of nine, Rose discovers that she has a secret power to feel the emotions in food. Her mother bakes her a lemon cake for her birthday, and she can instantly feel her mother’s sadness and depression from the piece of cake. I got to the end completely horrified that I stood in my shower and stared at the wall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

Image result for wuthering heightsI personally enjoyed Charlotte Bronte more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14. The Unfortunate Importance of Beauty by Amanda Filipacchi

Image result for the unfortunate importance of beautyI hated every second of this book that thirty pages in, I tossed it at the wall. It started out strong. The main character is supposedly drop dead gorgeous but she wants to meet the man of her dreams in an ugly costume because she wants to be accepted by her inner beauty instead. Love the concept, hate the execution. She’s also an Oscar winning costume designer for major motion pictures, and each of her friends are equally successful, one of them being a Nobel Piece Prize winner for a novel, the other being a famous cellist in a New York City orchestra. And none of them are older than 26. Yeah…okay.

 

 

 

 

 

15. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Image result for the picture of dorian grayI absolutely loved this book. It’s creepy, vain, and a little sadistic. I don’t suggest watching the movie starring Colin Firth though. It’s full of orgies, and I don’t think that is entirely what Oscar Wilde had in mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16. To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

Image result for to the lighthouseThis was my third attempt at reading To The Lighthouse, and each time I found myself on page 50, and not able to recap anything that had happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

17. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Image result for one hundred years of solitudeA lot of superstition, some light incest, and a couple of executions, all in this teeny tiny town in Colombia.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Image result for the helpI recommend this book to everyone. Eugenia Phelan is my hero.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

19. The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins

Image result for the girl on the trainI’m pretty sure this was my first murder mystery novel I’ve read and it was quite the page turner. And my personality matched the victim’s personality almost perfectly. I’m just not as promiscuous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20. Me, My Hair, and I by Elizabeth Benedict

Image result for me, my hair and iA book of essays strictly around hair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

21.) All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr

Image result for all the light we cannot seeI’ve already discussed this book before, so I won’t go into great detail about it. The author’s imagery is stunning and memorable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

22.) Landline by Rainbow Rowell

Image result for landline rainbow rowellI’ve heard great things about Rainbow Rowell so I was really excited to read this book. The main character Georgie is having marital problems, and her husband sounds like a douchenozzle who doesn’t support her success/career. She finds an old telephone in her bedroom and realizes she’s able to call her husband in the past, before they were married, which gives her the opportunity to fix everything. Once again, her husband is a douchenozzle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

23.) Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by J.K. Rowling

Image result for harry potter and the cursed childI have much to say about this book. Number one, it was not necessary. Number two, I hated that it was written out like a stage play, mostly because it actually was a play in London. Number three, it was disgustingly cheesy. I gave the book three stars but seriously, don’t waste your time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

24.) Smoke Gets In Your Eyes by Caitlin Doughty

dfdsfsIf you want to know the true horrors of how a body decomposes, this is your book.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

25.) Yes, Please! by Amy Poehler

fdAmy is probably one of the coolest celebrities to read about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

26.) The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Schumer

rerPeople either love Amy Schumer, or they hate her. I’m one of the people who love her. I found her memoir to be surprising in many ways. For instance, she’s not this raunchy, one-night stand kind of girl as she is perceived through her stand-up and even in her movie, Trainwreck. She struggled quite a bit to be a comedian, which made me respect her even more. I personally think you get the real Amy Schumer when you read her book. But don’t get me wrong, she’s no literary genius.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

27.) Room by Emma Donoghue

srIt’s not everyday that you read an adult novel narrated by a five-year-old. But it’s certainly fascinating. The movie is just as wonderful as the book.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

28.) Against Joie de Vivre by Phillip Lopate

gdI don’t quite remember this book sooooooo…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

29.) Looking For Alaska by John Green

gfdI wanted to punch Alaska in the face. Not the state, the character. She was this trashy little teenager who flirted with EVERYONE, and I’m sorry, but did she wear clothes? Ever? Yet, every teenage boy had a crush on her. WHAT A SHOCKER.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

30.) The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet

dfgfAn entire book happened in the first ten pages. It was too much for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

31.) Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust

fsI only ever thought about Gilmore Girls when Max gave it to Lorelai to read and she pretended she finished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

32.) Ghostland: An American History in Haunted Places by Colin Dickey

aHe covers everything from the Winchester Mystery House to the Salem Witch Trials. I really love ghost stories, and this guy ruined them for me. It was like watching Ghost Adventures if Zak Bagans were condescending.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

33.) Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff

dfIt’s about a marriage I didn’t particularly care about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

34.) Big Fish by Daniel Wallace

dsSuch a bizarre book that I didn’t quite understand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

35.) The BFG by Roald Dahl

erewI can’t believe I haven’t read this book until now. I want a big, friendly giant to come to my window and blow dreams into my room with his trumpet. It sounds pleasant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

36.) M Train by Patti Smith

drfShe drinks a shit ton of black coffee.

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Humor, I Wasn't Worried, I'm not a mommy blogger, My Idea Of Being An Adult, Thoughts, You're Fine

21 Things That Prove I Don’t Have It Together

I have a friend, let’s call her Heather, and she’s been going through a bit of a rough time over the last couple of months and has been confiding in me. I think it’s nice to be sought out when the goings get tough. I do my best to give her advice, but let’s face it, I’m no Dr. Phil. Her life seems to be up in the air at the moment, and she’s stressed about her recent breakup from her fiancé, but I try to stay positive and let her know things will work out in the end.

And then this happened:

She asked me what my plans are for the following year, and if I regret any of the decisions I made in previous years when it came to my love life and jobs.

My honest answer was this:

I have no plans. The only plan that seems to stick right now is that I will be moving in with Colleen around February/March. We haven’t picked a location just yet, but we’ve narrowed it down to two places. We will be taking a mini vacation together next month to Charleston, and then I plan to go to England in the spring to visit my newly married friend. But that’s about it.

I have no plans for a job. I could end up working in a coffee house or a flower shop for all I care. As long as I make enough money to pay rent, buy art supplies, and pay my student loans (I like to pretend this one doesn’t happen every month), I’d be happy. I don’t really care about the rest. I think the main things Colleen and I agree on with each other is that we both need adventure, and possibly a prohibition styled apartment (that was her idea).

And even though I have zero idea what my concrete plans are, I don’t regret any of the decisions I’ve made.

This was her response:

“I’m so jealous of your life! It sounds so exciting and care-free. You seem to really have it together.”

Me:

hgfhgf

What’s funny about this reaction from Heather is that I did not get this reaction at a recent Christmas party where I was the only single person and their response was a little more like, “Oh…alright then…”

I never felt so underachieved than I did in that moment.

However, this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten the “Your life seems so great!” comment. I’ve gotten it a bunch of times this year and I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out why.

So here is a list of things to prove I don’t actually have my shit together.

1. I finally removed the month old stain on my carpet the other day.

2. I keep forgetting to give my asthmatic cat his steroids. I’m surprised he’s not dead yet.

3. There is literally nothing to eat in my apartment. I’m not just saying that. I think I have a stale box of Cheez-Its and some rice that I’m too lazy to actually cook.

4. ^ I forget what a grocery store looks like.

5. Some of my belongings are still packed in boxes. I moved into my apartment last March…

6. I STILL have not registered my car and I don’t intend to until I move again. Therefore, I’m illegally driving my car everyday.

7. I have split ends.

8. I come home from work every day and crawl into bed with my cat while watching either Gilmore Girls or Friends, but also contemplate going to the gym but then so much times passes that it’s not even worth it to go anymore.

9. I failed my Goodreads Reading Challenge, AGAIN. Unless I can somehow bust out four books in two days.

10. If you’re wondering why I haven’t been able to reach my reading goal, refer back to #8.

11. I still have canvases and frames sitting in my car from when I went home to NH in the beginning of November.

12. I haven’t managed to shave without cutting my legs at least twice.

13. I don’t moisturize enough.

14. The batteries in my electric toothbrush are out and I don’t feel like going to the store to buy more.

15. My Christmas tree will definitely stand tall for another two months.

16. I’m terrible at cleaning my paintbrushes.

17. I don’t have the confidence to wear red lipstick all the time like I want to.

18. I have a resting bitch face. I’m really trying to work on that.

19. I get a slight boost of anxiety every time I open my bank account.

20. It took me months to figure out that the sign at Planet Fitness that says “Leave egos here” doesn’t say “Leave eggos here”. It makes a lot more sense now.

21. I’ve been paying $65 a month for cable and internet, and I never was able to hook the cable up myself. So I’m still paying for cable even though I technically don’t have it. Why? you ask. Because then that means I have to sit on the phone with my cable company for 30 minutes, most likely talking to a machine and listening to customer service grunt about how I should have cable, and I’d honestly rather pay the extra $20 a month until I move.

So there you have it. I don’t have it together any more than the rest of you, I’m sure.

Please share some of your bad habits with me in the comments. I think we all need a good laugh.

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Awkward, Humor, I Wasn't Worried, Thoughts, You're Fine

How to Get Out of Embarrassing Situations

I embarrass myself daily. Sometimes I’m aware of when it’s happening, other times I’m not. My embarrassing moments usually consist of oversharing, cracking jokes that nobody understands, walking into doors, tables, and walls (how DID that wall get there?), or stumbling on my words to the point where they are incoherent simply because I’m nervous.

dfsd

Here are some ideas I’ve come up with on how to get out of embarrassing situations.

1.) Just yell out words that come to mind.

“Kittens!”

“Sour Cream!”

“Infomercials!”

By simply shouting out random and irrelevant words, you are then distracting from the previous embarrassing moment with a new one that will both confuse and hopefully amuse the other person.

200-32

If asked why you just yelled out (insert random word here), add an improv sentence that relates to the word.

Example:

“Kittens!”

“Jess, why did you just yell kittens?”

“They are just so fuzzy, and cute with little pink noses. I love them so much. Want to see this video?”

*Embarrassing crisis diverted*

2.) Shuffle your way out.

Learn to do a slight dance shuffle. As soon as the embarrassing moment has taken place and the awkward silence occurs, dance your way out of the encounter and move far, far away.

200-33

3.) The classic “Hey! Look over there!”

Example:

Jess has just cracked a joke that was taken far too seriously by the group of individuals, and now they are staring, slurping on their beverages and trying to figure out the next move.

“Hey! Look at that over there!” she yells.

They all turn to look behind them.

200w-9

4.) Pull a Gone Girl

If you haven’t read the book or watched the movie, stop reading here if you don’t want any spoilers.

It’s the perfect plan. Simply fake your own death. Come up with a brand new identity.

Some things you will need to accomplish this mission:

  • Bleach – to clean the fake blood off the floor. Duh.
  • Hair dye
  • The complete opposite wardrobe from what you normally wear.
  • Lots of money
  • More money
  • Some sort of weapon, just in case.

fgfdd

5.) Keep Laughing

Laugh so hard, you look manic.

 

*Please share any methods you find useful!

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101 Things That Make Me Happy

1.) The weeks leading up to fall, and I wake up to a foggy morning.

2.) When my cat follows me around everywhere.

3.) Losing myself in my thoughts while driving.

4.) Long drives

5.) When someone tickles me, no matter how ticklish I am.

6.) The way a dog wags its tail when they look at me.

7.) Strawberries

8.) My Nana’s pet names for me: “Sweetie”, “Schnookums”, and “Slut”

9.) The way my family members name off every child before eventually figuring out my name.

10.) Bar stools – they are the perfect place to talk.

11.) Cheesy Fries

12.) Graphic T’s

13.) Twitter group chats

14.) When my nephew asks me to read him a bedtime story.

15.) Painting

16.) Cider doughnuts

17.) Smelling books

18.) Gossiping with my hair dresser

19.) When my cat sucks on my finger

20.) Bread

21.) Italian food

22.) Holding hands

23.) Tree branches

24.) Buttercup flowers

25.) Reading

26.) Spooning

27.) Long walks, alone

28.) Watching previews at the movies

29.) Dumping M&M’s into my popcorn

30.) Croissants

31.) Body pillows

32.) Swimming pools

33.) Waking up to birds chirping, knowing spring is approaching.

34.) Sleeping in

35.) The smell of coffee

36.) Going out to breakfast

37.) Staying in and watching movies with my mom

38.) The way penguins run

39.) Rolls on a bulldog

40.) The Starbucks “You Are Here” Collection

41.) Singing “Sweet Caroline” at Fenway

42.) Pulling apart and reorganizing my book shelf

43.) When someone laughs at my jokes

44.) Dancing

45.) Slipping under the covers right before bed

46.) Baking

47.) Feeling a baby kick inside a pregnant belly

48.) A hot shower

49.) Thinking about when I was a kid and helped my Grampy peel corn for dinner.

50.) Melted Nutella

51.) Fireplaces

52.) Hot Cocoa during a snow storm

53.) Christmas lights

54.) Music

55.) Quilts

56.) When someone whispers in my ear

57.) Shopping for presents

58.) Sun bathing

59.) Hearing a baby laugh

60.) Cherry Blossoms

61.) Putting on makeup

62.) Train rides

63.) Purring cats

64.) The sound of waves crashing

65.) Feeling the warmth of a coffee mug

66.) New pens

67.) When my sisters and I start singing and dancing to Michael Jackson and Cyndi Lauper

68.) When my friend Colleen sings karaoke

69.) Going through old boxes of memories

70.) Cooking dinner for myself

71.) Singing in the shower

72.) Getting in a cleaning mode

73.) Sniffing candles

74.) Browsing through bookstores

75.) Receiving handmade cards from my five-year-old niece

76.) Vintage stores

77.) Passing by the fields of windmills in Texas and Oklahoma

78.) Watching the kiss cam in arenas

79.) Making s’mores

80.) Socks

81.) Pancakes – preferably chocolate chip pancakes

82.) Lounging in my towel twenty minutes after I’ve showered

83.) Funky sunglasses

84.) Dusting

85.) Listening to Grampy tell riddled jokes

86.) The way my mom’s cats talk to me

87.) Chinese food

88.) Church bells

89.) Horseback riding

90.) Playing with goats

91.) Bathrobes

92.) Flash mobs

93.) Shooting stars

94.) Are you ever up so late at night, and it’s dead quiet outside, but you still hear this weird humming noise in the distance? It must be the highway, but you’re never sure. I love that sound.

95.) Summer dresses

96.) When I overhear guys talking sports

97.) Waking up to drool on my pillow

98.) Postcards

99.) Scarves

100.) When my aunt’s dog jumps into the pool

101.) Making lists

Please share some happy things with me 🙂

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Family, Festivities, Food, Humor, Thoughts

25 Things I’m Thankful For: Part 2

Happy Thanksgiving Eve to my fellow Americans! Once again, I pray I don’t end up in that awkward circle at the dinner table where we express all of the things we are thankful for because mine are typically pointless and embarrassing.

1. Taron Egerton’s jaw (once again)

2. WordPress

I got to meet all of you beautiful people.

3. Cookie Butter

Last year it was peanut butter, but this year, the game has changed.

sadsd

4. Loryn Brantz Comics

5. Connecticut

Even though most people hate you, I appreciate your farmland,  overbearing parents, and the rich New England atmosphere you present.

6. My cat, Mumford

He keeps me company.

7. Netflix

You’ll be presenting the Gilmore Girls revival on Friday. I’m so happy and excited I could cry.

fdfds

8. The Obama Biden Memes

img_6731

9. The Starbucks “You Are Here” Mugs

Because how else will I remember my trip with a Starbucks mug? (I have like, 10 of them.)

10. Donuts

11. ModCloth

12. My Maintenance manager

Because he never bothers me.

13. Moisturizer

Because every time I enter the state of New Hampshire, my skin turns to dust.

14. Post-Its

15. The Christmas Tree Shop

16. Hot Cocoa

17. Michael’s Craft Store

You’ve helped quite a bit with my small painting career.

sdsadasda

18. Goodreads

19. My flannel comforter

20. The Internet

It’s a love-hate relationship.

21. My desk

You store so much of my useless junk.

22. Paper Shredder

23. Garbage Men/Women

Because they take care of your garbage.

24. Cardboard boxes

I’ve kept all of my boxes over the last six months. And now I have boxes to use for Christmas wrapping purposes because I’m schmart.

25. Group Chats

They make my day brighter.

 

Everyone have a wonderful holiday! And I’ll be silently rooting for you as you snatch the boots out of some lady’s hands on Black Friday.

 

 

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Anecdote, Awkward, Humor, You're Fine

4 Methods On How to Handle a Fight You Weren’t Originally a Part Of

I’m in a bit of a predicament that I’ve haven’t been entwined in since my middle school days, so I’m a bit rusty when it comes to handling the situation. Let me do my best to paint the picture for you while brainstorming some methods I learned from catty middle school girls.

A couple of months ago, I was part of a group chat with four other co-workers. We mostly goofed off, sent each other silly gifs, and discussed the next after-work cocktails night we should have. It was all fun and games until something extraordinarily awkward happened.

Meet Don. He’s a bit of a grump with some serious mood swings. He acts like he hates you, and then the next day, says “Good Morning” and asks about your weekend. He’s a confusing, angsty soul.

Meet Katie. She’s sassy, firey, and has no problem letting you know how much she hates her job.

Katie said something sassy in the group chat, and Don fired back. With my clear eyes, it seemed like he was being sarcastic, which that is a language Katie doesn’t speak. Katie took offense to his comment, which started a very short mini argument between the two of them. The other two chatters were silent, and so was I. What do the kids call it? Ghosting? Yes. I did my best to ghost the conversation.

Within minutes, Don left the group chat. Since then, Katie hasn’t really spoken to him. Nothing has changed on my part because I barely spoke to him before the group chat anyway. Fast forward a few weeks, and one of the silent chatters mentioned how Don wanted to go out for after-work drinks, but without Katie…and apparently me. Fast forward to last night, and I found that Don unfollowed me on Instagram, along with Katie.

Needless to say, this guy doesn’t like me, and it’s clear that it’s by association. I’m friends with Katie. I talk to her, and eat lunch with her everyday. Therefore, since Don doesn’t like Katie, he MUST not like me too.

I’ve never dealt with something like this in “adult world”. Especially by a thirty-something-year-old man. What bothers me about this situation is that 1. Katie and I are nothing alike, and 2. this person has made up his mind about me without actually getting to know me, and 3. I’ve done absolutely nothing.

And now I’m left wondering how on earth I got dragged into a fight I was never originally a part of.

So here are some petty mean girl tactics that I haven’t pulled out of my closet since 2005.

1. The Silent Treatment

As adults, we have learned the art of keeping a straight face, smiling, and acting like nothing is wrong, especially in front of someone we don’t particularly like. In teenage girl world, you test out the silent treatment. The person you are in a brawl with asks for a pencil, you stare straight ahead without even a head nod to acknowledge the slight breeze in the air.

dsfsdfs2. The Stink-Eye

Any time they make eye contact with you, just act like they have a booger on their face.

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3. Be Overly and Obnoxiously Nice

I don’t mean hold the door open for him or offer the last office doughnut. I mean being so nice that he knows everything about it is sarcastic.

“HEY DON. HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND? I LOVE THAT SHIRT ON YOU. YOUR WIFE IS SO NICE. LIKE OMG.” – Valley Girl Voice

erew4. Take the High Road

Raise your hand if you’re over the age of eighteen and simply have other things to worry about? SAME.

Ignore methods 1-3 and just “take the high road”. I simply unfollowed him and will continue to move on from this invigorating friendship we once shared.

Feel free to share your methods on handling catty situations as an adult. I could use all the help I can get.

*Names have been changed to protect the semi-innocent.

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Art, Humor, Out of the Ordinary

Guest Post: I Know Art – Paul from The Captain’s Speech

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In college, I majored in Art History. I’m an art nerd. I spent many sleepless nights studying Mary Ellen Mark, Caspar David Friedrich, and my art beau, Jacques-Louis David. There’s no better feeling than spending countless hours finishing my final papers at the end of every semester, downing coffee and pulling all-nighters, and then being able to see the paintings in the flesh. While I trample through the crowds at the Louvre, I’ve asked my dearest friend Paul from The Captain’s Speech to pull a Sister Wendy and share his thoughts on a few art pieces I’ve selected for him.


Bonjour and hello! I thought I would start this post off in two languages because I don’t know about you, but when art speaks to me, it doesn’t just communicate in English. Oh no, mes amis!

I’d like to thank my friend, Jess, for selecting a few pieces of artwork for which I will provide my unique interpretations. Consider yourselves warned.

While I provide my commentary, I ask that you remain as quiet as possible. Art galleries are a place for pondering and placing your hand on your chin, not for talking.

Or did I just describe a library?

Regardless, I know art. Let’s get started. Silencio!

Pangaea Exhibit, Saatchi Gallery, London, UK – 2014

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Ah yes. This one. Gives me the willies, if I’m being honest with you.

What we have here are huge ants on the wall. This is what happens when no one sweeps up for a long time. As you can see, the majority of the ants are huddled together in the corner. Why? They are cold. Do you see jackets on any of them? No!

The rest of the ants are scavengers. They have spread out like a search party to look for food, supplies, jackets, toys for the youth, and anything else to keep them alive on a wall.

Rumour has it that when the art gallery closes at night, the ants come down and sleep on the floor. Kind of like how the toys in Toy Story move around when humans aren’t around.

Seriously though, this piece of art is going to give me nightmares.

Fountain, Marcel Duchamp, Tate Modern (replica), London, UK – 1917

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This, ladies and gentlemen, is an upside down urinal. And what do we call upside down urinals? Anyone? Anyone at all? We call them fountains!

Boys, never put your mouth to a urinal. But when you see it flipped upside down, you can. For it is no longer a urinal, it is a fountain! Instead of relieving yourself, you are filling yourself up.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? I think so.

If you’re wondering where the water comes out of, it’s a surprise. Approach with caution and don’t unzip your pants.

Black Square, Kazimir Malevich, Tretyakov Gallery, Moscow, Russia – 1915

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This is one of those pieces where it really helps if you tilt your head to the left. Trust me, try it. Do you see it? Do you see what I see? You should.

You know how sometimes your car can get so dirty on the outside, to the point where you can write, “Wash Me” on your back window with your index finger? That’s what this is.

It’s a dirty back window of a car that hasn’t seen soap and water in ages. Perhaps it’s been driving on unpaved roads on it’s way to and from work and this is the result. A lot of soot.

You can see that someone took their index finger and tried to draw some sort of pattern, but couldn’t quite get there. My best guess is they were drawing a tic-tac-toe board.

The square outline at the bottom is likely from the car owner’s lunch bag, which probably rubbed up against the back window. When I can track down their lunch bag and check for soot, I’ll let you know for sure.

The Scream, Edvard Munch, National Gallery, Oslo, Norway – 1893

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Oh, this is a classic! What we have here is a person on a bridge, who unaware that they are being Punk’d. This person (Shocky McShockerton) is clearly shocked and screaming at whoever is standing at our point-of-view. We’ll call them a scoundrel. Why? Because the scoundrel just threw Shocky McShockerton’s cellphone over the bridge and into the water.

“Why did you do that!?” – Shocky McShockerton

Meanwhile, you can see two people in the background who are walking towards this distraught person. One of them is Ashton Kutcher – the host of Punk’d. The other is a camera man.

Don’t worry, their real phone is safe and dry. A fake one was thrown over the bridge.

Winged Victory of Samothrace, Louvre, Paris, France – c. 200-190 BC

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And finally, this masterpiece!

If you have ever heard Elton John’s song, “I’m Still Standing”, you will know that it was inspired by this piece of art. Let’s analyze a lyric from that song, shall we?

“I’m still standing after all this time, picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.”

Ah, just brilliant.

You see, this is a statue of a person who was betrayed by their lover. Love takes two wings to fly, this statue and their statuemate (soulmate) broke things off. And when they did, the other statue took their wing away.

It’s taken a while for this statue to get over it, but they finally did, even though they lost their mind, first. Hence the lyric, “without you on my mind”. This person can’t think about their former lover anymore because they don’t have a head to formulate such thoughts.

Love hurts, but you can still stand up after you fall, even if you only have one wing and no head.

Well, that sums up this edition of “I Know Art”. I’ve been Paul and you’ve been informed. Have a nice day and don’t forget to pick up any crumbs you drop. Those ants are big enough.

gfads
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Humor, Thoughts

A-Z Thoughts: Part 1

I’ve seen so many bloggers write posts about the thoughts that have crossed their mind that day that I decided to tag along for the ride. Here are my list of thoughts from today from A-Z:

Ashlee Simpson – I recently downloaded her 2004 album Autobiography, and I’m proud to say I still remember all of the words to every single song. “La la” is disturbingly dirty and I’m glad my little 13 year old ears didn’t understand a word of it.

Books – I’m falling behind on my reading challenge because I have not been in the reading groove like I usually am. I’m hoping my seven hour plane ride this weekend will change all of that.

Chores – I’ve had a lot to do this week to prepare for my vacation and I’ve done none of it. I’ve basically done everything else EXCEPT my chores such as watch movies like A Cinderella Story, Mean Girls, and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Lots of throwbacks here.

Debate – I just read Paul’s debate post and I’m currently on a laughing high this early in the morning. His debate posts are better than the actual debates.

Earthquake – I’m a little bummed I never truly felt one of these babies while living in California. The state supposedly has an earthquake every ten minutes.

Flu Shot – It’s that time of year when everyone is trying to convince me to get the flu shot but I’m declining the offer. The only year I’ve ever gotten the shot, I ended up with the flu and fainted in the shower.

Ghostland – My current read by Colin Dickey about America’s “ghosts” and “legends” since we seem to have so many.

His Face – Very excited that my acrylic painting “His Face” has been sold to a happy buyer!

Internet Crushes – I’ve seen this term thrown around quite a bit without fully understanding the meaning. Now that I do, I realized I most definitely have an Internet crush on at least a dozen people. It’s apparently normal.

Johnny Gosch – There’s a Netflix documentary called Who Took Johnny? and it’s rather creepy. 12 year old Johnny went missing and then nearly fifteen years later, his mother claimed he showed up at her apartment with some strange man she’d never seen before and they talked for about an hour and a half, and then he disappeared again. CREEPY.

Knuckle Sandwich – I’m guessing kids don’t say “knuckle sandwich” anymore. When did that term die? I want to bring it back.

Latte – I went out of my way to get a latte this morning and it tastes like poo.

Matthew McConaughey – I’m not understanding the appeal of him. I’ve never found him attractive like every other woman on the planet. He has a nice face and a body like a Greek God, but everything else about him I despise. He’s always chewing with his mouth open! His accent is annoying, and another thing about his accent is that it never changes no matter what movie he is in. His character is supposedly from Staten Island in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and his entire family has a southern accent. WHY? Oh yeah, because he’s not that great of an actor and probably can’t alter the way he talks to match his character.

Nail Salon – I just got my nails done for the first time in months yesterday so yes, my cuticles have been ripped to shreds.

Ophelia – Constantly have this Lumineer’s song stuck in my head. I’m not complaining.

Pumpkin carving – I never got to do it this year and I’m sad about it. I thought my pumpkin last year was pretty clever.

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Q Tips – I have a weird obsession with Q-Tips and I ran out for a little while and was in total disarray. I should be on an episode of My Strange Addiction.

Register – I’m avoiding registering for just about anything. I’m two months overdue on my car, and I haven’t registered to vote and the election is in a few weeks. But who am I kidding? I was planning on staying at my desk reading your wonderful blog posts than go to the town hall to vote.

Soft claws – My friend is going to be watching Mumford while I’m away and she asked to put soft claws on him because she has a small dog with one eye. It basically just looks like his nails are painted. I tried holding him down last night with the glue and plastic claws and he kept flicking his paw away from me like the jerk he is. It didn’t work. I know what my plans are after work.

Thanksgiving – I wonder what insults and suppressed thoughts will surface during this holiday like they did on Columbus Day.

U2 – I’m still a bit peeved that U2 gave everyone in the world their album for free on our iTunes account because they are still popping up on my playlist while on shuffle. I realize that I can probably just delete the songs but I keep forgetting about it.

Versailles – I love this palace so much that I’ve watched many documentaries on the History Channel while sipping on a glass of wine. And I get to see it in a week. I can’t breathe.

Whole Wheat – Is it actually better for you, or are we just kidding ourselves? I order whole wheat all the time thinking it’s better for me when I’ve heard differently. I’m about an entire pizza away from not caring anymore.

Xerox – I once had a job strictly based around making copies and sending faxes. Post grad life has been really awesome.

Yoga – Every person I’ve talked to has said yoga changed their lives. Therefore, I’m starting classes in a couple of weeks. I’m hoping to get my flexibility back.

Zenon – What ever happened to the girl who played Zenon? And who else thought her catchphrase consisted of the word “penis”?anigif_sub-buzz-21349-1464371468-4

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Humor, Hyperbole, Travel, You're Fine

5 Reasons Why I Love the Airport

I LOVE GOING TO AIRPORTS.

Airports are places where cranky, slightly smelly people transfer from one spot to the next, and post their location on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram captioning it “LAX —> BOS” or something even more obnoxious. I’ve been guilty of doing this but I own up to my mistakes…most of the time.

Here is my list of reasons why airports are the absolute best because, you know, “NYC —> DC!!!”

1.) When you need to jump out of the vehicle because you’re not allowed to stop.

I do not have the luxury of someone dropping me off at departures, so I can’t experience that thrilling moment when your driver tries to pull over, let you out and bid you safe journey’s only to have the security guard yell that you “can’t park there” so you’re leaping out at a rolling stop, hoping for the best. What a drag.

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2.) The friendly TSA staff

Nothing better than racing to security, ripping off your shoes and removing every technological device you own and stick them in separate bins without holding up the line. The best kinds of people are the ones who forgot to remove their 17 pieces of jewelry they’re wearing and a bagful of change in their pocket. It’s such a grand feeling when security needs to triple check your bag and pull you aside because your 800 page book you’re currently trying to get through too closely resembles a you-know-what, and you walk away with a sense of relief that you didn’t pack those tweezers.

ffdg

3.) Magically growing a second pair of arms

I will be carrying my fifty pound travel bag because I’m incapable of prioritizing my weekend packing, my purse, my wallet/ID, my phone, and being able to walk through the line at the exact same time. The upside to technology nowadays is that I can now upload my plane ticket on my phone, so it’s one less thing I need to pull out of my bag and not break my arm in the process.

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4.) Exercise

Luckily, with all of that carrying and running to your gate, and practically stripping naked at security, you’re most likely breaking a sweat equivalent to your normal day at the gym.

fgfd

5.) Testing your reflexes

After waiting for your boarding number, cramming yourself onto the plane, and trying with all of your might to get your bag in the overhead compartment because your 5’1 frame won’t allow it, you have finally sit down. If you’re like me, you quickly grab your headphones, shutting out any possible chit chat with fellow passengers. Maybe I’m just bitter, but no, I don’t feel like telling you why I’m going to this location of choice, or where I grew up, or what my favorite Mexican dish is.

sadsa

Please share some of your favorite moments in the airport.

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Humor, I Wasn't Worried, Insomnia, My Idea Of Being An Adult, Rant, Sarcasm, You're Fine

I Need a Paper Bag and a Bottle of White Zin

I don’t get easily stressed.

Well that was a big fat lie. I actually get very stressed but I pretend like none of it bothers me so that I can keep my cool and lie to myself even more.

I stress out about everything. I’m surprised I don’t have more anxiety attacks. I have one maybe once a year, and each time it creeps up my shoulder like the grim reaper. Why does my chest feel like this? Am I having a heart attack? Are the walls bleeding?

If something bad happens, I do a Nick Miller head nod and say, “Well…that happened…” And then I brush off the fleck of stress off my shoulder and continue with my day like I’m cool as a cucumber. I do this over and over and over again for months until one day, I explode. It’s like an episode of Ren and Stimpy, and I whip my head around my environment taking mental screenshots of everything I’m avoiding: the dishes are piling up, I need to take out the trash, I haven’t glanced at my mail for two weeks, my unfinished painting is looking sad, is that mold I smell in my sink?, why does it sound like my cat is choking to death every morning?, and for the love of God can he please stop clawing at all of my nice furniture?, am I going bald?, why does my hairline make me look like one of those patients in a Bosley commercial?, I still haven’t registered my car (I hope I don’t get pulled over and have to do the whole “Look at me, Officer. I’m cute. Please don’t yell.”), I have a zit the size of my evil twin on my neck.

Welcome to the inside of my mind. Grab a drink, take a load off because I certainly can’t. I feel like Mrs. Bennett in Pride & Prejudice and I don’t even have five daughters to marry off.

There has been a lot of things happening since last week that my mind simply cannot grasp and/or handle. When I reach a certain point, I babble and say/do weird things. I’ve been so up and down about various things that I feel my heart might burst into flames. So many people tell me I need to de-stress so I Googled some ways to do that and I already call quits on most of them.

1. Meditate

What am I, a monk?

Meditating would look a little like me sitting on my bed eating an entire bag of popcorn and not breaking eye contact with my cat.

2. Exercise

I already exercise regularly, so with my tsunami-like brain waves, my running has been golden. I’ve been walking into Planet Fitness like Usain Bolt. But what do I do after I run off all of those bad vibes? I stress eat. It’s like I never even went to the gym.

3. Drink Green Tea

Because sticking leaves that closely resemble marijuana into a steaming hot cup of water is going to make my troubles go away. Why don’t I just stop shaving and pray every evening to a bowl of granola while I’m at it?

4. Take a Nap

Sure, I could stumble into my apartment after work, crash on my bed and pass out at 5pm. But it doesn’t change the fact that my student loans need to be paid the following day.

I’d rather just take a bottle of wine to my face, talk to my pile of mail, and go to bed.

Tell me some of your de-stressers, or lack thereof. I’ll be sure to take some notes.

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