Awkward, Dating, Girls, Humor, Internet Things, My Idea Of Being An Adult, Thoughts, You're Fine

I Don’t Want to Be a Princess

We can go ahead and consider this a new Single Schmingle installment since I’ve discussed this very topic with Myka and Meghan. Bear with me here.

I always thought Mia Thermopolis was crazy. Who wouldn’t want to wake up one day and find out they’re a princess? The girl got a full blown makeover for free, a millions beautiful ball gowns, a tiara she got to wear occasionally, and full service at her disposal. Granted, if you’re introverted like Mia, all of that attention can make you feel like you have a thousand tiny ants crawling all over your body. You’re uncomfortable nearly all the time. You might even feel guilty. And I am exactly like that.

Something Colleen said to me last week struck a chord with me and I can’t shake it off. After I told her the complete switch in enthusiasm from Navy Man when I told him I wanted to be casual and friendly, she said, “You shouldn’t have said anything. You should have just let him treat you like the princess you are.”

“But I don’t want to be treated like a princess,” I said.

“Why the hell not?”

I thought about this for the past few days. I can’t be the only girl out there who feels uncomfortable using a guy to feel special, only to know that I’m not actually interested in him. I’m shocked that girls actually do this. They let these guys take them out to fancy restaurants, buy them presents, and then whisper to their girlfriends that they don’t really like him, they’re just waiting out the storm.

I feel weird if a guy even pays for me all the time. I just don’t think it’s necessary. I’m the type that if a man brings me to a fancy restaurant, I’ll order the cheapest item on the menu. I’m more of a hot-dog-cart-with-a-side-of-cheesy-fries kind of girl. But I know that’s just how my mom raised me. She always said, “Never depend on a man. Learn how to take care of yourself.” I think a mother with three daughters has to feed them that mindset nowadays. Especially a single mother.

Of course, it’s always nice to get pampered every once in a while. Some flowers or an ice cream run when I’m feeling down. But nothing major. I’ve been in relationships where I never got those things, mostly because we grew too comfortable with each other that we forgot how to appreciate one another. And even if those small gestures did happen, I was so surprised by the event that I was asking a million questions to figure out why it was happening.

I can’t help but wonder what would happen if the roles were reversed. What if was the one to ask a guy out on a date? What if was the one to court the guy around and pay for the date? This isn’t some feminist, all mighty woman power post. It’s just a thought. How would the date turn out in the end? Would it be the same? I feel like with every date, the guy is the one who is trying to impress, meanwhile, I think the girl should be equally impressive. We don’t give men enough credit. Some women out there might roll their eyes at that last statement but I’m serious. It takes a lot of guts to ask someone out. And then you have to take that person out and all of the pressure is on them to impress them, and make sure they’re having a good time. Here I am, nervous for nearly every single date, when it seems all I really have to do is stand there and look pretty, maybe laugh at his jokes, and share an anecdote or two. That’s my only job.

I’ve never laughed over a guy asking me out on a date. I’m always flattered, no matter who they are. But men get rejected all the time. For women, it’s once in a blue moon. And when it happens, it doesn’t feel good, does it? Let’s face it, ladies. When it comes to casually dating, we’re kind of spoiled. Even if you never make it to date number 2, you still got a free meal.

However, after discussing this with Myka and Meghan why we may perhaps feel weird about going on dates, no matter how long we’ve been doing it, it could be the slight chance that men have kind of given up. In 2017, a typical date is “Netflix and Chill”. We could have done that in the comfort of our own home. You invite us over to “watch a movie”. We know what that means, gentleman. We suddenly feel like they don’t want to actually get to know us, because who discusses life, hobbies, and family in the middle of a movie?

Of course, this post is all over the place. A lot of it may be contradicting. But that’s just because I’m another crazy woman who doesn’t know what she wants.

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Anecdote, Awkward, Humor, You're Fine

4 Methods On How to Handle a Fight You Weren’t Originally a Part Of

I’m in a bit of a predicament that I’ve haven’t been entwined in since my middle school days, so I’m a bit rusty when it comes to handling the situation. Let me do my best to paint the picture for you while brainstorming some methods I learned from catty middle school girls.

A couple of months ago, I was part of a group chat with four other co-workers. We mostly goofed off, sent each other silly gifs, and discussed the next after-work cocktails night we should have. It was all fun and games until something extraordinarily awkward happened.

Meet Don. He’s a bit of a grump with some serious mood swings. He acts like he hates you, and then the next day, says “Good Morning” and asks about your weekend. He’s a confusing, angsty soul.

Meet Katie. She’s sassy, firey, and has no problem letting you know how much she hates her job.

Katie said something sassy in the group chat, and Don fired back. With my clear eyes, it seemed like he was being sarcastic, which that is a language Katie doesn’t speak. Katie took offense to his comment, which started a very short mini argument between the two of them. The other two chatters were silent, and so was I. What do the kids call it? Ghosting? Yes. I did my best to ghost the conversation.

Within minutes, Don left the group chat. Since then, Katie hasn’t really spoken to him. Nothing has changed on my part because I barely spoke to him before the group chat anyway. Fast forward a few weeks, and one of the silent chatters mentioned how Don wanted to go out for after-work drinks, but without Katie…and apparently me. Fast forward to last night, and I found that Don unfollowed me on Instagram, along with Katie.

Needless to say, this guy doesn’t like me, and it’s clear that it’s by association. I’m friends with Katie. I talk to her, and eat lunch with her everyday. Therefore, since Don doesn’t like Katie, he MUST not like me too.

I’ve never dealt with something like this in “adult world”. Especially by a thirty-something-year-old man. What bothers me about this situation is that 1. Katie and I are nothing alike, and 2. this person has made up his mind about me without actually getting to know me, and 3. I’ve done absolutely nothing.

And now I’m left wondering how on earth I got dragged into a fight I was never originally a part of.

So here are some petty mean girl tactics that I haven’t pulled out of my closet since 2005.

1. The Silent Treatment

As adults, we have learned the art of keeping a straight face, smiling, and acting like nothing is wrong, especially in front of someone we don’t particularly like. In teenage girl world, you test out the silent treatment. The person you are in a brawl with asks for a pencil, you stare straight ahead without even a head nod to acknowledge the slight breeze in the air.

dsfsdfs2. The Stink-Eye

Any time they make eye contact with you, just act like they have a booger on their face.

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3. Be Overly and Obnoxiously Nice

I don’t mean hold the door open for him or offer the last office doughnut. I mean being so nice that he knows everything about it is sarcastic.

“HEY DON. HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND? I LOVE THAT SHIRT ON YOU. YOUR WIFE IS SO NICE. LIKE OMG.” – Valley Girl Voice

erew4. Take the High Road

Raise your hand if you’re over the age of eighteen and simply have other things to worry about? SAME.

Ignore methods 1-3 and just “take the high road”. I simply unfollowed him and will continue to move on from this invigorating friendship we once shared.

Feel free to share your methods on handling catty situations as an adult. I could use all the help I can get.

*Names have been changed to protect the semi-innocent.

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Anecdote, Art, Cats, Humor, Internet Things, Memories, Mumford, Out of the Ordinary, Social Media

I Spoke to The Lumineers

I remember when everyone first started to tweet, it was a THING to tweet at celebrities and bands, just to see if they would respond. I rarely do it because 99.9% of the time, they don’t respond to you and you look like a 15-year-old weirdo. Last night, I was listening to The Lumineers, my favorites being “Ophelia” and “Cleopatra” while painting at my desk with my cat falling asleep on my foot. I stopped and thought, “Man, my life is pretty rad.”

I decided to make a casual shout-out to The Lumineers, until it no longer became casual…at least for me.

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I, of course, instantly freaked out and began painting like a maniac and hoping my cat wouldn’t move from his spot for several hours. I responded with the picture they requested, not thinking they would respond to that until…..

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My night was made. And brownie points to Mumford for being the good little model that he was. It definitely made up for the lack of sleep he’s given me the past four nights.

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Festivities, Humor, My Idea Of Being An Adult, Things I Should Have Solved A Year Ago, You're Fine

6 Pieces of Advice on Wedding Etiquette

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It is now officially June. ‘Tis wedding season, folks! I wrote a post back in September about the TLC Wedding Shows, and now I have an updated list of wedding etiquette we should all be following. I’ve now been invited to a fair share of weddings, especially this year. It seems everyone is getting married, and if you’re one of them, just know, I hate you.

I don’t hate you because you’re getting married and I want to get married. No, no, no. I hate you because now I have to deal with other people around the wedding buzz, and at times, it can be unbearable.

Here is a list of things I personally believe you should avoid, whether you’re the one getting married, or you’re attending a wedding.

If You’re Getting Hitched…

1.) Please don’t send me an engagement announcement.

I’ve received wedding announcements via snail mail. Some couples spend like, $800 or more to take engagement photos, which is perfectly adequate and normal. But then to use that and spend an additional $100 on making engagement announcements just to inform me you’re engaged when I already saw it on your Instagram post is a waste of time and money. You’re already spending a butt load of money and you haven’t even started planning the wedding yet. I liked your post on Instagram. I maybe even texted you. That’s all you and I need.

2.) Don’t get sloppy with your guest list.

I know someone, let’s call him Derek, and his roommate from college is getting married this weekend. Derek hasn’t spoken to this former roommate in a year or two. The roommate texted Derek two weeks before the wedding, asking if he was coming. Derek said, “I haven’t received an invitation, but if I’m invited, I’d love to come!” The roommate said, “Wonderful. I’ll send the details soon.” A week goes by and Derek hears of nothing. The roommate finally texts Derek and says, “Hey man. I’m sorry. The guest list got all screwy. You’re still welcome to come, but it will cost you a lot of money.” First of all, are you charging Derek $75 to attend the wedding for his meal? Secondly, let Derek decide whether it’s a lot of money.

Never, ever do that! It looks so tacky and unorganized. At least if you are unorganized, make everyone believe you’re organized. Derek assumes that the roommate felt obligated to invite him, and then by slipping in that it will cost him a lot of money to attend, was secretly hoping he would not attend at all. It’s much more rude to ask someone to attend at last minute than it is to not ask them at all.

3.) Don’t ask outsiders who they want to invite.

Say you have a close friend, and they want to bring a plus one. If you have it in the budget, go ahead and give that person a plus one. But don’t ask your great aunt Midge who she wants to invite to the wedding, especially if it’s a dozen people you’ve either never met, or have only met once in your entire life. Your great aunt Midge is not the one getting married. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard of couples complaining about how large their guest list is, and then go on to say they’ve invited 50 people they’ve never met before. I then ask why, and they say, “Well, my uncle really wants them there.” WHY? Why does your uncle care so much? Tell your uncle to pay for them then.

If You’re Attending The Wedding…

1.) Oh, the bridesmaids!

Bridesmaids are almost completely useless nowadays. For my generation, many bridesmaids forget that claiming the bridesmaid crown means more than just wearing a pretty dress and locking arms with a groomsman down the aisle on the big day. Bridesmaids actually have duties. My mother describes it perfectly, “Think of the bride as a princess and we are her maids.” The bride is asking you to be a bridesmaid because she needs your help and assistance with things that may be out of her control. They need to help with the Bachelorette party planning, and the wedding shower, and assist in picking items out for the registry. On the actual wedding day, if the bride is in the middle of getting her hair done and she says she’s thirsty, offer to grab her a water.

Another thing that bugs me about bridesmaids is their highly opinionated thoughts on dresses. If the bride wants me to wear a clown suit, I’ll wear the clown suit. I’m not the one getting married. I would never tell the bride that I hate the dress she picked out for the bridesmaids because it’s rude and insensitive, and you shouldn’t either.

2.) The registry pickle.

If you’re unsure what gift to buy the bride and groom, a card with a gift card inside is perfectly fine. Especially if you don’t have the time and money to find an expensive blender. But most couples pick out items and place them on a registry for their upcoming wedding shower to make it easier on guests attending. Number one rule: always, always, always claim the item as purchased once you’ve actually purchased it. Some people forget, and then boom, the wedding shower arrives and the bride has received three ice cream makers. And now she has to find time to bring two of them back and hopefully they both have gift receipts.

3.) Comparing and contrasting.

This brings me back to the TLC wedding shows where all it is is comparing and contrasting between weddings. Don’t compare your wedding, or future wedding plans, to the wedding you are currently attending. There are many reasons I say no to this. Number one: nobody cares. Number two: You are two completely different people with different styles. No judging allowed. Think of this like Planet Fitness! Same mind set. If the bride wanted a doughnut wall instead of a traditional cake (I found this idea on Pinterest and I’m stealing it), just say, “Oh that’s interesting and cool.” Grab a doughnut and then move on.


I hope you all find this useful to you during the 2016 wedding season, and have now become the best damn bride/guests your friends have ever asked for.

 

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How Does She Pee?

I’m not really up with the times when it comes to the Kardashian’s. I don’t watch the show, except for that one time when nothing else was on and Kourtney admitted to taking like, 30 pregnancy tests and she was only 95% sure she was pregnant.

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I was at the gym the other night, just minding my own business, trying to break a sweat, when I saw Kim Kardashian blow up the TV in front of me, and she was wearing this:

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I can never understand why the Kardashian’s are considered the “fashion forward” celebs these days. First of all, is this a highly intensified jumper/romper? Are those boots ATTACHED to her outfit? If so, how the hell does this woman pee?

I ask this because I recently wore a jumpsuit/romper to work a couple of weeks ago. I got many compliments, but it didn’t change the fact that it was such a bitch to go to the bathroom in.

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I don’t know about everyone else, but my mind has the tendency to screw with me. For instance, I’m driving home from work:

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I catch a glimpse of my street corner and suddenly a wave hits me. I REALLY NEED TO PEE. I was perfectly fine about three seconds ago up until now. I speed into my parking lot like I’m training for the Olympics, grab the twenty items from my car and wonder why I have so much stuff with me and how I don’t recall bringing all of this to work, jingle my keys around to find the one that opens the door to the building, fish for my mail because I’m too lazy to come back downstairs to get it, jingle with my keys again to find the key that opens my apartment, bust in through the door, chuck everything in my hands on the floor and fly to the bathroom like Superwoman. Now add a romper to the mix and you might as well pee your pants because you’re never getting that shit off.

How long did it take Kim Kardashian to put her boots on? Especially if it’s attached to her outfit? I can just picture myself trying to carefully slip my entire leg into those babies, and my toes getting tangled up in the web of string. I’d never get those things on. But I have to hand it to her, that’s commitment to her shoes right there. Once you get those things on, you’re wearing them all day. I’ll buy heels and take them off 30 minutes into wearing them because I’m lame. Since it takes so much effort to put those boots on, I wouldn’t want to take them off either.

In conclusion, I’m convinced Kim Kardashian is not a real human, but a fembot. Yes, I said fembot.

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The woman doesn’t pee, and she wears ridiculously high heeled boots that take longer to tie together than it was to write War and Peace. 

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Anecdote, Awkward, Humor, Manic Monday, Memories, You're Fine

That’s Not My Name

This has been happening to me ever since I was a kid. Every new school year on the first day, it was the same thing. The teacher peered down at her list of new students to take attendance. She’d go down the line, calling out names like, “Colin? Joe? Elizabeth? Mary?” All of the kids raised their hands and said, “Present!” or “Here!” or “Moo!” if you’re a jokester. Then I’d hear, “Jessica?” The students, including myself, glanced about the room. “Jessica?” Still no answer.

And then…. “Jessica……(putting her glasses on to read the last name) Ren…Ren…Renya?”

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First of all, that’s not even how you pronounce my last name. It’s not even how you spell it. Secondly, my name isn’t Jessica.

I could be botching this story entirely, but when I was a wee little thing still shoved in my mother’s belly, the doctor tried to determine whether or not I was a boy or a girl. The problem was, I moved around so damn much that he couldn’t get a good look. I was like a cheetah on cocaine. Or I just wanted to keep my privates private. Who knows. So, the doctor figured since I had so much energy, I was probably a boy.

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So, that’s what my parents planned for. My dad really wanted to name me Jessie James. To their surprise, I showed up with not a penis, but my mom was too tired from all of the birth giving that she didn’t feel like changing my name. So she kept the Jessie part, and dropped the James, to my relief.

For years, I’ve tried to understand this weird phenomenon where people just change my name for me. It is clearly written out in black, printed ink, yet still, everyone who meets me calls me Jessica. Even when introducing myself, all friendly and happy, “Hi! My name is Jessie!” They reach out for my hand and say, “How are you, Jessica?”

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Maybe some of you can try to explain this to me. Is it a politeness thing? It doesn’t ever seem to happen to anyone else. For instance, I rarely come across a situation where some girl is like, “Hey, I’m Lizzie!” and the other person says, “Hello, Elizabeth!” NEVER. Same thing with Will and William, or Charlie and Charles. So why must it happen with Jessie and Jessica? I’ve spent a good portion  of my life correcting people who call me Jessica that I’ve just given up at this point. When I get irritated, my friends are like, “DUDE, just correct them!” You don’t even know. You. Don’t. Even. Know. I’ve accepted it now, even though every time I’m called Jessica, a piece of my soul dies away.

There definitely is a stereotypical response to my name. Now that I’ve gotten the “Jessica” bit out of the way, let’s jump to the part where everyone starts singing, “Jessie’s Girl” whenever I walk by. It has happened at every single job I’ve worked. “You know I wish that I had JESSIE’S  Girl!” Yeah, yeah. I get it. I’m here to tell you that Jessie’s Girl is not my theme song.

I think The Ting Tings stole it from me.

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Facebook-Free Challenge

As of February 9th, I am officially Facebook-free. Well, pretty much. You see, I’ve deactivated my account. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, I do not exist anymore. However, once you deactivate your account, you can easily activate it again by simply signing in like you normally would. Damn you Facebook for making it nearly impossible to be rid of you. You’re worse than cocaine. I’ve gathered all of my photos from the past nine years, stored them safely onto my computer, and happily removed the Facebook app from my phone, and I’m upset to say that I was slightly nervous about this. NINE YEARS I’ve been on Facebook, and now I’m giving it up with just the snap of my fingers. Facebook has been a habit for nine years of my life. It’s such a depressing thought to think about all of the other things I could have accomplished before my upcoming 25th birthday instead of waste time on Facebook.

Don’t get me wrong. Facebook was cool during the first year or two. But now, I’m in EVERYONE’S business, and everyone is in my business. For instance, I hate that sidebar that tells me So-and-So commented on Person-You’ve-Never-Heard-Of’s photo eight minutes ago. First off, I don’t care. Secondly, why is that my business? Thirdly, Facebook has unintentionally turned me into a creepy stalker, and I don’t like it at all! I’m finding things out that I wasn’t even looking for in the first place, and I feel very uncomfortable about that.

There are several other reasons for my hatred of this social media platform.

  1. The fact that Facebook can somehow tap into my conversations with other people, or what I look up on the internet. When I first looked into road tripping home from California, within 24 hours, articles on Facebook popped up titled, “10 Reasons Why You Should Go On A Road Trip During Winter”. I felt the walls closing in on me.
  2. At least half of my friends are trying to sell me products with every status update and invite.
  3. At least 75% of my friends are screaming politics where it’s not warranted. The VOTE-OR-DIE mentality needs to come to a stop. Now that I don’t have Facebook, I should be able to breathe again.
  4. Majority of the photos that pop up on my news feed, I don’t recognize anyone in the picture.
  5. I don’t like the thought of comparing my life to others. What better way to stop than to get rid of the direct source?
  6. Everyone is either over-the-top-crazy-happy and must announce it to the world, or everyone is unbelievably-bitter-and-must-complain-about-every-aspect-of-life-no-matter-how-irrelevant-it-is and must announce it to the world.

One of my first thoughts as I hovered my cursor over the “deactivate” button was, “What if I never see these people again?” Deep down, I know that my most important friends are just a phone call/text away. Why am I concerned with people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years? I’ve been living without them perfectly fine, I think I can live without their Starbucks pictures and traffic selfies.

Now that I am Facebook-free, I plan to do my best and put all of my energy into things that could make me a better person. For instance, actually completing my Goodreads Reading Challenge, volunteering (not just taking a photo of me volunteering and calling it a day), and focusing on myself instead of others. Simply doing the things I want to do without the fear of judgement from others. I think this is a start to a beautiful future.

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Calling All Bloggers

holiday

Happy Cyber Monday everyone!

I’ve decided to run a “You’re Fine” Holiday Contest and I need your creative minds to join me and spread the word!

In my last post, I was a bit blue in the face. Since I’ll be home spending the holidays with my family, I’d also like to hear stories from all of you to help lighten up my life. The contest will consist of any and all bloggers to send me a holiday story they have experienced. It can be funny, insightful, scary, awkward, anything that comes to mind, share it with me. There is no word limit, but please don’t send me a 500 page manuscript. Let’s be real here.

After you have shared your stories with me via email, I will pick one winner for the Holiday Contest, the prize including your story to be posted to the “You’re Fine Blog” on Christmas Day, as well as a little Happy New Year present from yours truly. Don’t worry, I won’t send you anthrax or cocaine. The gift will consist of items some of which will have a little touch of myself and my home, as well as fixed to match your personality, blog, and any conversations we may have shared. If the winner lives anywhere outside of North America, sorry, your New Years present will probably arrive in April.

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Between December 1-24, send me your stories to jreyna91@gmail.com.

If you don’t win the contest, at least you’ve made a new pen pal!

I look forward to reading all of your wonderful stories, and if you have any questions, feel free to email me!

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Grasping Snapchat

A couple of years ago, Sam urged me to download Snapchat. Another new social media app that apparently was all the rage, and still is to this day.

I downloaded the app, played around with it for a couple days, and then deleted it. I could not for the life of me understand the purpose of it.

“It’s to send each other pictures!” they say. Well, there is a cool thing called text messaging that has been pretty hip for more than ten years now.

“It’s to share photos with your friends!” they yell. Well, there was Facebook, and then suddenly, boom, Instagram!

“It’s to caption funny photos!” they scream. Once again, Facebook, Instagram, and text messaging does all that too.

For you old folks, or even people out there like me who do not care for Snapchat, nor understand it’s use, the app at first allowed you to send a photo to friends that appeared for however many seconds you wanted before disappearing. And then once the photo disappeared, it went away to some faraway land, never to be seen again. This was the perfect opportunity for teenagers to send each other nudes!

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I mean, what better way to send someone a nude pic when it’s just going to disappear in 3 seconds, giving them zero opportunity to show their friends!

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The Ryan Reynolds eye roll is too good.

P.S. Sending nude pics is still really stupid. Don’t do it.

Now, you can have what’s called a “Snapchat Story”, where you can post all of your photos and videos for everyone who follows you to see. Some people, like pro surfer Anastasia Ashley, accidentally post nudes to their Snapchat Story instead of sending it directly to her boyfriend, and people like myself, laugh at their stupidity.

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How does no one else see that Snapchat is just another version of Instagram? It’s literally the same idea. Posting photos and videos to share with your friends. You can even send a pic directly to someone on Instagram now, so yeah, same thing.

I apparently never deleted my Snapchat account and my friends have been sending me photos and videos for years now. Whoops. I probably looked like a jerk because I haven’t responded to a single one of them.

Sorry guys!

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Awkward, Humor, Internet Things, Social Media, Things I Should Have Solved A Year Ago

Acronym Guide for Dummies

acronym

What happened to “g2g”? And “brb”? And “ttyl”?

Those are the acronyms that will stick with me for the rest of my life. That was when AIM was our text messaging, and there was nothing better than hearing that screeching door open hoping it was your best friend or the cute boy from gym class. That’s how I got my first boyfriend, ya know.

7th Grade. I was at my friend’s house and she asked me why I didn’t have a boyfriend. I look back and chuckle because I was twelve. So she simply said, “The first boy to sign on to AIM will be your new boyfriend.” That was a terrifying thought. Many blossoming romances started and ended with the screeching door.

Nowadays, twelve years later, I’m on the Stupid Train when it comes to acronyms because it seems we have gotten so lazy that every phrase is broken down. I mean, back when we had flip phones and it was a total pain to text on them, it was easier just writing “ttyl”. But now kids have iPhones with a better texting structure and stability, yet we are still doing it. I can barely read Facebook and Twitter posts today because they are all made up of acronyms that I don’t understand. Here are some ridiculous acronyms that exist today I found on Huffington Post:

IRL: In Real Life

Huff’s example: “Your blog post was so interesting, I would love to meet you IRL.”

IANAD: I Am Not A Doctor

Huff’s example: “IANAD, but wouldn’t doing a juice cleanse slow your metabolism?”

TIL: Today I Learned

Huff’s example: “TIL people use their whole brain, not just 10%.”

IRONIC.

WDYMBT: What do you mean by that?

Huff’s example: “WDYMBT?”

^^ It takes more time to figure out what each letter means than it does to just simply read, “What do you mean by that?”

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Those are only just a few on that long list of 33 acronyms. So I’ve decided to come up with some useful acronyms of my own that relate to my everyday life.

TCSITBTA: The cat shit in the bath tub again.

My example: “TCSITBTA…damnit.”

NIWNMYB: No, I will not make you breakfast.

My example: “NIWNMYB.”

TT: Taco Tuesday

My example: “Is it TT yet?”

DDL: Don Draper Love

My Example: “Can we watch Mad Men? I need some DDL.”

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OOC: Out of coffee

My Example: “It’s a rough day. We are OOC.”

DS: Dieting sucks.

My Example: “I’m only allowed 3/4 cup of Honey Nut Cherrios. DS!”

WATPC: Where are the potato chips?

My example: “We can’t be out. WATPC?!”

YF: You’re fine.

My example: “Oh, stop and eat your chicken. YF.”

Let’s see if the kids go along with these useful acronyms.

Now tell me folks, what are some acronyms of your own that would be of some use to you daily?

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Beating Your Manuscript To Death

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I have a goal to finish my memoir by the end of the year. Hopefully sooner. There’s a contest in the University of Iowa Nonfiction Writing Program that starts on October 15th that I’d really like to try and enter. It’s a total long shot, but supposedly we hear who the winner is in the spring and that’s better than looking for an agent for “X” amount of years. At least by then if I don’t win the publication, I can be on the hunt because my manuscript would be finished.

I’ve met a lot of interesting people throughout my writing “career”, and with the AWP Conference in LA next year (YAYYYY! You should come and hang with me!) I’m bound to meet many more. I’ve met some people who have written entire novels in six weeks. And I’ve met some people who spent twenty years on their memoir. Everyone goes at their own pace. I read somewhere that J.K. Rowling spent ten years writing the first Harry Potter book, and after it was rejected many times because they claimed it would never be a hit, it ended up being one of the biggest franchises in the world, with their own park within Disney. Some people don’t see the pure gold you have written while others do. That’s what I love about writing and art – there is no right answer. There are a few people I turn to for guidance and honest opinions that do not shut me down completely. I’ve come across too many writers who believe that there is a right and wrong way to writing, and I’m telling you right now…get rid of those people. You want guidance from those who work with you to move forward on your vision, not tell you “it won’t work”.

As for me, I’ve spent the past two years working on my manuscript. My manuscript was my thesis in order to graduate, and now I already know I want to head in a different structural direction. I’m such a revisionist that sometimes it kills me. I could get this book published next year, and talk to me in ten years and I’ll probably say I want to rewrite the whole thing.

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The problem with writing a manuscript is that you re-read it a hundred times or more to the point that you are disgusted with yourself. It’s like when you binge watch a TV show and you get annoyed with the characters and what you once thought was endearing eight hours ago makes you want to gouge your eyes out with a spoon like you’re in Hostel. It’s the same thing. Spending too much time with your manuscript can be a bad thing, depending on how you work.

I sometimes wish I could just go off the grid for like a month. Live in the deep woods of Washington State or Canada in a cabin to myself and write as much as I can. I’m in need of inspiration.

Which brings me to The Death of The Memoir. This has been such a hot debate for so long. Memoir. The daunting question of, “Why should I care?” Memoirists have this label of being narcissistic with a painful childhood that feel the need to have all of the attention onto themselves. I actually follow bloggers right now who have written about these things stating that nobody cares about their god awful life and to just quit with the memoirs.

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I’m not writing a memoir because I think I’ve had a horrible life, more so than anybody else. Not even close. I’ve had a great life with some obstacles and bad decisions along the way. The hypocritical part is that if I were to write my life and call it fiction, nobody would complain. In fact, I did that once. I wrote a piece that was 95% nonfiction for a fiction workshop, and do you know what the comments were? “This just isn’t believable or realistic.”

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I couldn’t stop giggling because it was all of the parts that were 100% true. The setting, the dialogue, the conflict, all of it. Hence why I stick with nonfiction because hearing those comments are too distracting.

It’s the same reaction when I tell people my age and that I write nonfiction. They think my life is just beginning, so what on earth could I possibly write about? This too, gives me more momentum to continue what I’m doing.

So why is it that people are so turned off by nonfiction? You mean you don’t care to hear about Jeannette Walls’ experience living homeless with her erratic parents and siblings, to eventually living comfortably in NYC while her mother is in the alley rummaging through trash bins? I find that interesting as hell. You don’t care to hear about Maya Angelou’s experience being sexually abused by a man while living in the South? That too, is really interesting. Who has seen the movie Unbroken? That’s a true story. And it was a really cool story.

So, it’s hard to believe how many people get so bent out of shape when a new memoir comes out, like, “Oh, it’s another one of those again.”

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It’s interesting to read about other people’s lives. I’d rather read about them then see what they bought at the grocery store on Instagram. We read about everyone’s lives everyday on social media, so how is a memoir more annoying than that?

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Art, Family, Humor, Internet Things, Social Media

Facebook Emoji’s

FYI – This post has been sitting in my drafts for six months. I’m unsure why it hasn’t made an appearance yet but I’m still mulling over the emojis. 

I don’t know too many people who are active emoji users on Facebook. The only people I know who seem to use them quite often are my grandma and aunt. When used, I’m left with unanswered questions. For instance, who came up with these god awful emojis? How and why did Mark Zuckerburg hire them to design these icons?

EXAMPLES:

The Crying Monkey

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Sad.

This is a monkey. He seems to have this weird white fungus spilling out of his eyes, which is something I’d be pretty upset about too. All the kids at school make fun of him, which is why he’s under the sad category. This is to raise awareness of bullying everywhere.

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The Sleeping Plant

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Sleepy.

This plant is sleeping. I didn’t realize plants slept. Do they really? Is this a new scientific study that plants take a quick break from their slurping of dirty, muddy water and take a snooze? No growing today fellas. Must recharge.

Angry Zombie

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Angry

This working class citizen has clearly turned into a zombie. I wonder if he will be a new character in The Walking Dead. He fits the part perfectly with those grotesque lifeless eyes, chunky blue hair and scowl.

Baby Chick Named “Sunny Side Up”

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Celebrate.

This depicts a baby chick that has clearly taken a wrong turn in life. She’s now become a sensual prostitute and is offering a glass of luscious wine to take the ease off. You’re her Richard Geer.

Angry Zombie Part Two

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Angry.

So, the kids at school pulled a Carrie on this guy. They covered him in hot pink paint while he was auditioning for the talent show singing “Sometimes When We Touch”. He later made out with a tree.

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The Clinging Coach

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Love.

Student-teacher relationship. ‘Nuff said.

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Salad Fingers

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Confused.

Ya’ll remember Salad Fingers? You would be left confused as well.

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Mouse/Cat

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This is an accurate portrayal of how I eat pizza.

Love

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A half-ham half-cat would make a great Nickelodeon show. And he even has a best friend: a gravy boat, though I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be a watering tin.

I just don’t…get it.

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Humor, Internet Things, Social Media

First Tinder Experience

Dating blows. My brief college dating experience was pretty awful, confusing, and stressful that I’m so thankful it only lasted six months before I met Sam. Because I haven’t dated in five and a half years, I’ve been curious to know what it’s like outside of college. Is it any better? Is it easier or harder? I imagine it must be harder because you don’t have those random dorm parties to attend, or Thirsty Thursday where it was socially acceptable to meet the love of your life blackout drunk. When you’re 25 with a full time job, it’s not cute anymore.

Do you still have that awful texting relationship? Do you still stress about how the other person wrote “Hey” instead of “Heyy”? Or is that for petty eighteen year olds?

If I were single today, would I actually join Tinder? Probably not. There are so many dating sites out there, however do you choose? Blackpeoplemeet.com? Isn’t that kinda sorta racist? But then again, there’s Christian Mingle. Oh, let’s not forget about the Farmer’s Only Dot Com theme song. I have it stuck in my head right now.

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Tinder is known to have many run-ins with rude people who say disgusting things that you would never say to someone to their face. A friend from home came to visit us during this holiday weekend and he showed me the ropes of Tinder. It’s quite entertaining.

First of all, you’re totally judging the other person and can easily click the big “X” to make them go away. And then you can “Heart” someone, and that person gets a notification that someone, somewhere out there thinks you’re cute. I began hearting ladies in my area for our friend, clicking on girls I thought looked nice. I’m talking about the girls who are posed while hiking, and cuddling with puppies. Not the girls with heavy lip liner with a scowl on their face because they think it looks sexy. One girl named Hannah responded to my friends “heart”, which was more like my heart. My friend asked me to start the conversation with her, and I immediately began to panic. It brought me back to those horror days.

I clicked through her profile to see what her interests were. She was a USC student, loves the outdoors and animals, and is a lover of sarcasm. “BOOM. RIGHT THERE. NOBODY IN CALIFORNIA HAS SARCASM.” So I started off the conversation strong by stating that we need people like her to carry the sarcasm from the east coast to the west coast. She responded to “my friend” all happy that I said such things. He handed me the phone again to continue the conversation. At the end of the day, if felt like I was starting a relationship with this girl and she didn’t even know it was me.

I was catfishing someone. And I felt bad about it.

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I’m grateful that at the end of the day, I don’t have to actually use these sites.

I hear some people say, “Dating is so much fun!” I can’t help but think, “Good for you man.” If you’re having a positive experience dating, that’s just wonderful. Keep it up, whatever you’re doing.

One of my experiences was in college, when I “dated” a guy for a whole three days. It went fine until one day when we were hanging out, he decided to ditch me to smoke a blunt in the woods with his friend. Needless to say, I figured I wasn’t interesting enough for him to you know, just do it later. And secondly, I didn’t bother to talk to him again…which I’m sure he was too high to even notice. My dating stories don’t get any more interesting than that.

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I’m interested to hear all of your dating stories and how you feel about it!

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Awkward, Humor, Internet Things, Things I Need

Hot Dudes Reading

I’ve been following an instagram account, @hotdudesreading and I think you should too.

It’s exactly how it sounds. Hot Dudes Reading.

It’s not even so much the eye candy that keeps me looking. It’s the commentary. Whoever this creative genius is, I applaud you.

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I’m very impressed with the sneaking of photographs and how well they actually come out. It’s totally creepy and inappropriate, but it needs to be done. It’s a rare thing to find anyone reading anywhere.

Pure genius.

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Humor, Internet Things, Social Media, Things I Need, Writing

Grammar Police

As some of you may know, I enjoy reading comments on articles, Facebook statuses, and videos. I find it hilariously infuriating and enlightening all at once. Most of the time when I see an angry commenter, it’s either a little teenager who thinks they know all about the world and how it works (Ummm, hi? Have you heard of Boys Meet World?) or it’s an elderly crabby woman who owns a lot of cats.

We all know what the Grammar Police is. It’s our go-to insult. I recently read a comment stating if you are only insulting the other person strictly on grammar and not on their actual thought, then the problem is with you, and you’re not as intelligent as you seem.

It got me wondering why our first instinct is to break down the other person’s grammar.

I’m no grammar expert. In fact, my grammar is pretty awful if I’m truly not paying attention. I’m sure some of you will find a million mistakes within this post, and that’s fine by me. But why is it so satisfying to see someone make an argument, only to notice that they can’t seem to figure out the difference between “your” and “you’re”?

It’s no wonder why our society can never move forward. If you were in a hot debate with someone about cleaning products, but you were arguing face to face, you’d be more inclined to actually listen to them instead of pointing out their horrible flaws such as grammar and the wrong use of a verb. Don’t get me wrong. Seeing your high school enemy pick a fight with someone on social media, only to use a word incorrectly, or doesn’t use any form of punctuation gives you a spring in your step. It makes you feel alive, empowered, and even thankful for all of those hate notes they used to pass to you in the hallway. It gives you an ounce of pride as if saying, “Oh yeah? Well, at least I can spell the word ‘hospital’!” I’d say that’s a normal thing to feel. It’s even better witnessing a status complaining about horrible grammar, only to have the wrong form of “pass” written within that very status.

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It’s just like in that Sex and the City episode when Carrie Bradshaw receives a note from Natasha, Big’s new hot and young wife. And although Carrie was feeling really down in the dumps, her spirits were high when the note said, “I hope to see you their next year.”

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We definitely seem to be adding road rage to our everyday lives, and not just on the road. Eventually, we will all need anger management.

Here’s another example, thanks to Louis C.K. Only he can explain this one.

Annnnndddd I just watched about thirty Louis C.K. videos.

I guess my point in this post is obvious bad grammar in a rant or a spiritual picture/meme just cancels everything out. If I read an encouraging poster of a girl dancing on the beach and it says, “Lift You’re Spirits High”, all I can see is the wrong form of “you’re”. Nothing else. It doesn’t take much to grammar check before letting an inspirational poster go viral. Same goes with a Facebook argument. Even if I’m on the person’s side and their comment is a slew of words with no proper spelling, punctuation, and no conjunctions…I’ve changed my mind.

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So Grammar Police…keep blowing that whistle and grammar on.

It brings me joy.

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